


Fugitive Turned YouTuber

by Virginia_Blue



Series: BlackHill On My Mind [1]
Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Established Relationship, F/F, Fugitive Natasha, YouTuber Natasha
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-07
Updated: 2018-01-04
Packaged: 2019-02-11 16:08:01
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 20
Words: 47,886
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12938853
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Virginia_Blue/pseuds/Virginia_Blue
Summary: Natasha doesn’t give af about her criminal status.Or, the one where Natasha somehow becomes a viral YouTube star.[Or, the one where I read QuackTrack's Power Rangers YouTube AU "I Will Find a Way (Or I Will Make One)" and became obsessed with the idea of the Avengers on YouTube]





	1. Natasha Goes Places She Shouldn't

**Author's Note:**

> This will probably take the form of one video and maybe an Insta/Snap thing each chapter. I have an end game that I'll eventually get to, but I'm going to frame it within her videos and social media. Anything you want to see Natasha do? Let me know.

Nobody was really sure why or how it happened, but somehow, some way, Natasha Romanoff was a YouTube sensation. It seemed like it happened overnight. One day, nobody on the planet had seen or heard from her in months, and the next, she had a Twitter account with over a million followers. She started with a series of funny selfies. She had selfies from political rallies of her with politicians who regularly clamored for her head; she had selfies of her with cops from every major city in the US and several from outside; she had selfies in front of posters warning the public about her; in a move she was particularly proud of, she even had selfies with the Presidents of the United States and Russia. 

When she started, it was just a way to have some fun while on the run, but soon enough she found that she loved it. From there she expanded into videos, and before too long she had a YouTube channel with two million subscribers-- and it only went up from there. 

She did vlogs about her life. She did a series called “Disguise 101” where she taught people how to move about unnoticed. She regularly did vlogs from where she crashed various exclusive events-- everything from celebrity weddings to red carpets to concerts. She did any and everything she wanted to, and people absolutely loved it. Despite all of this, no law or intelligence agency had even come close to grabbing her. 

\---

“Hey guys! NatAttack here. I know you’ve missed me for the past few days, but I promise you that when you see what I’ve been up to you’ll forgive me. As you all know, I am what is known as a wanted criminal.” She emphasized those two words and smirked into the camera. “Being such a desired and high valued target, because, you know, I’m _super_ dangerous, everyone in the intelligence game should be on high alert. I shouldn’t, for instance, be able to walk into the FBI headquarters and take a selfie in the Director’s office, right?” Her smirk intensified. “I’d like to welcome you all to my newest video series...Natasha Goes Places She Shouldn’t!” When she said that, bold red and black words flashed across the screen reading “NatAttack on the Loose” and playing dramatic and suspenseful music. 

The words zooming away as quickly as they had appeared, Natasha continued. “So, without further ado, enjoy my first segment. Giving the camera one last smile, Natasha disappeared from the screen to be replaced by a shot of the outside of the FBI building. 

“That, my dear friends, is the headquarters of the FBI.” She turned the camera around so we could see her face, showing that she was in a long blonde wig and a pair of sunglasses. “And we are going on a tour.”

The camera flipped again and showed Natasha walking up to the FBI building and joining a small queue of civilians. We heard her say to an older woman “This is so exciting, have you ever been inside before?”

The woman turned to Natasha and said “I came once when I was a kid, but I haven’t been since then. My husband went a couple of weeks ago though and said a lot of things had changed.”

At the bottom of the screen the words “Time to #GainSomeIntel” scrolled across.

“Yeah I bet. After 9/11 I think everybody tightened up security. It’s a shame really.”

“Got that right honey. I can’t even bring a bottle of water through airport security anymore! Ridiculous.”

“I feel you on that one. I got pulled out for ‘additional screening’ just yesterday because I forgot a tube of sunscreen in my bag!” Then, keeping her voice perfectly neutral, Natasha asked “Nothing like that is going to happen here, right?”

“Oh no, dear, you shouldn’t have anything to worry about with that. They’ll check our bags and we have to go through a metal detector, but the only things they won’t let in are weapons and drugs and stuff. As long as you’re not a criminal you should be absolutely fine!”

The woman looked away for a moment and Natasha quickly turned her camera and raised an eyebrow before whispering into it “Criminal? Me? Preposterous.”

Turning back toward her, the woman said “What was that, dear?”

Natasha laughed and said “I was just saying that I’m definitely not a criminal. Did your husband get to see anything cool on the tour?”

“Well they keep us all in the civilian access areas-- all of the ‘cool’ stuff is behind extra layers of security. There are some great pieces of history on display though, and we get to meet actual agents, so that’s exciting!”

“Yes, it certainly is.” 

Just then the group started moving forward and Natasha pointed her camera back toward herself. “Alright folks, I’m going to turn you off while I go through security. Catch you on the other side!”

The screen went black for a moment before popping back up with the view of an entrance hall. Slowly, the camera did a 180 until it was pointed at the back of a security checkpoint that people were still filtering through. “Fantastic security at the FBI building, as you can see. Of course, we still have a few more layers to get through. I’ll do a lot of this silently, but I’ll add on screen comments for you home viewers later.”

“Right this way, folks!” 

For the next few minutes Natasha followed along with the tour group further into the bowels of the FBI building. She pointed her camera at a lot of things, playing the tourist well, but her on screen commentary helped show what she was actually doing. Every time her camera panned over a security guard or checkpoint things like “Possible point of entry,” or “Solid guard, move on” flashed across the screen. Once, when she passed by someone punching in a key code, the words “Key code memorized [but blurred because I just want to antagonize the FBI, not make them vulnerable to attack].”

They finally arrived to a sort of conference room and stood while three men in suits walked in. Introducing themselves as FBI agents, circles appeared on their badges and the words “Plan ‘steal a badge’ has begun” flashed. 

As the agents split up to mingle with the crowd, Natasha moved toward the one with the smallest crowd around him. She sidled up very close to him, dropping the camera so all we could see were their legs, and started talking.

“You’re an actual agent? That is so hot.” She spoke in a flattering and flirty voice.

“Yes ma’am, I’ve been an agent for five years now.”

Suddenly the words “I flirt with him, it’s boring, I steal his badge. Let’s move on.” flash across the screen and we see their legs again, this time touching. Natasha takes a step back and says “Excuse me for a minute? I need to use the bathroom.” Then, we see her arm reach out and touch his, “I’ll be back in a few, don’t go anywhere.”

As his throat bobbed from him gulping, Natasha then turned her camera and walked back toward the main hallway. Once in the hallway, which is deserted, she points the camera at herself and says “Men are stupid” before holding up the badge, with her hand covering the name of the agent.

Walking down the hall in the direction they came from, she ducks into a bathroom and the camera freezes for a minute before coming back on to her, now dressed in a professional suit. “Pant suit, check. Badge, check. Key code, check. Time to go somewhere I shouldn’t.” And, smirking, she walked back into the hallway.

Going toward the door with a card scanner and a number pad, Natasha holds the camera at her side and effortlessly passes by two security guards, each of whom smiles and inclines their head at her. Keeping the camera pointed at the floor, Natasha scans her badge and keys in the code before walking casually into the restricted area. 

That hallway empty too, she points the camera back at her face and gives a radiant smile. “And I didn’t even have to kill anyone. The FBI is losing its touch.” Still talking as she walks toward an elevator bank, Natasha says “Now, I feel like I should have said this before, but don’t try this at home.”

The doors dinged and Natasha lowered her camera before walking into the elevator, which was occupied by one other woman. Leaning forward and punching the number for the second highest floor, the words “The Director’s office is probably on the top, but I’m starting here. Reduces suspicion and gives me a chance to locate and take the stairs” scrolled by.

Stepping back and leaning into a corner, the other woman’s voice then sounds. “I haven’t seen you around here before. Are you new?”

“Yeah. This is actually only my second week. Fresh out of the Academy.”

The woman laughs, presumably at a face Natasha made, and says “I remember those days. Hang in there though, and if you need any advice, or just want to grab a drink or something, let me know.” The audio suddenly cut off and the words “Hot FBI lady hits on me, asks me for drinks, and tells me her name and department. She gets off of the elevator a few floors before me” pop up.

The elevator dings and Natasha exits onto a very boring office floor, which she takes one full lap of. She grabs a random stack of files, the words “Might need an excuse” flashing across the screen, and proceeds to the stairs. Climbing the stairs, she gets out onto the top floor. 

There is a suite at the end of the hall with the words “Office of the Director” above the entryway. Before proceeding toward the office, Natasha once again points the camera at her and quietly speaks. “This, friends, is where I leave you. As much as I think these FBI guys are lame fucks, I’m not going to give you the keys to the castle, so to speak. I’ll turn you back on when I’m in the office.” Winking, the screen goes black for about five seconds before Natasha’s face pope up, grinning.

Turning in a full circle, Natasha shows that she is indeed inside the office of the Director of the FBI. “Ten minutes have passed since I last spoke to you, and I am now inside the office. Piece of cake.” She set the camera down where it showed the Director’s desk and walked into frame. Taking out her phone, she picked up his name plate and took a few selfies with it. Looking at the camera she asked “Future profile pic?”

Walking around behind his desk, she sat in the chair and kicked her feet up, crossing her ankles. “Mr. Director, I know you don’t like me. If I had your job I probably wouldn’t like me either. I also know that this probably isn’t the way to get you to like me, but I think you should look at this from another perspective. I just pointed out flaws in your system, and now you can fix them. If I hadn’t done this you would still be vulnerable to infiltration from criminals.” Natasha smirked at the camera. “I’ll wait for your thank you note.”

Then, the video cut back to present day Natasha. “Well there you have it folks, your very first segment of Natasha Goes Places She Shouldn’t! You can join me next week same time same place for the next one, but if you don’t want to wait that long to see my gorgeous face, rest assured that you’ll get some content between now and then.” She gave the camera a thumbs up and said “But for now I’m afraid this dangerous criminal has a plane to catch. Catch you on the flip side! NatAttack out.” And the video went black.

While Natasha was flying to who knows where under who knows what credentials, comments and views began pouring in. When she landed, she read and replied to a few of the most amusing.

_NatLover46: OMG this is going to be the best series you’ve done!!! I bet the Director’s face was *priceless* when he saw this. Where are you going next?_

_SHIELDsucks: I will never agree with your past, but I think what you’re doing now goes a long way to rectify that. Keep sticking it to the man. #BigBrotherIsWatching_

_CaptainAmericaIsBae: PLEASE do something with Captain America soon. Tell him that we miss his fugitive ass too!_

_Asgardian899: First off, I would just like to thank you so much for existing and for gracing us lowly humans with your videos. Secondly, I totally agree with @CaptainAmericaIsBae. Tell Steve that he is still loved and that we would be beyond thrilled to see his perfect face._

_NatAttack: @CaptainAmericaIsBae Well then, Christmas may just be coming early for you._

_FutureMrs.BWidow: You are a gorgeous specimen. That is all._

_FutureMr.BWidow: @FutureMrs.BWidow Do we need to fight rn? I feel like our usernames mean we need to fight._

_FutureMrs.BWidow: @FutureMr.BWidow Hmm, maybe? Like, I don’t even know if she’s gay. Idk what the protocol is on this. NatAttack, can you settle this before it comes to violent verbal blows?_

_NatAttack: @FutureMrs.BWidow @FutureMr.BWidow I’ll drop you a hint in my next video. Let me know if you pick it up. (;_


	2. Knives and Steve

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Self-defense lesson with the one and only Steve Rogers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I literally have no idea if this is any good-- I've never told a story indirectly through videos and comments like this. But it's fun, so I'm going to keep doing it. Let me know what you think.

Two days later, her next video dropped. It opened with her standing in a grassy field next to none other than Captain America. “Hey guys! NatAttack here. This hunk of genetically engineered perfection next to me is Steve Rogers. Wave to the camera Steve.” As Steve enthusiastically waved, Natasha rolled her eyes. 

“If you haven’t picked up on it by the title, this is another self-defense video! Super important skills everyone should know. Now, I _tried_ to get my girlfriend to come help me demonstrate, but she said no.” Natasha pouted in an exaggerated way at the camera. “She doesn’t love me.”

Steve laughed and threw an arm around Natasha’s shoulder. “Come on Nat, we both know that’s not true. Are you sure this doesn’t have anything to do with the fact that... oh I don’t know… you’re a notorious fugitive?”

Natasha heaved out the most dramatic and childish sigh she was capable of before glaring at Steve. “I mean, I _guess_ it might.” Then, after pausing for a moment, she turned back to the camera. “But anyway, back on track. Since my beautiful and badass girlfriend refused to help me in my time of need, I had to settle for Steve Rogers, fellow fugitive and Avenger extraordinaire. I hope it isn’t too much of a disappointment.”

He laughed and clutched his chest. “You wound me!”

And then, him having given her a perfect opening, Natasha dropped, spun, and kicked his legs out from under him in less than a heartbeat. Standing back up and smiling dangerously down at Steve, she said “No, but I could if I wanted to.”

He just laughed some more and executed a beautiful roll back handstand to reclaim his standing position, this time with a bit more flex in his knees and wariness in his eyes. Natasha patted him on the arm and turned back to the camera. “Rule number one is to always be prepared, as Steve just learned the hard way. Whether you’re out with your friends, walking to your car in a parking garage, or stuck in a crowded elevator, always be on guard.”

Steve, thinking that he could get the drop on Natasha, quickly lashed out in an attempt to sink a choke. Unfortunately for him Natasha took her own advice and in a blur of movement she had a knife in each hand-- one against his neck and the other against his kidney. Huffing, Steve said “Fine! I give up, give your lesson.”

Smirking, Natasha lowered her hands and twirled one knife back into wherever she pulled it out of. Keeping the other one in her hand, she held it up toward the camera. “This is the subject of today’s lesson. Knives.” Eyes glinting in excitement, Natasha continued. 

“I’ve done video lessons on how to defend against most basic hand to hand attacks and about how to escape from or disarm a gunman, but blade play is a lot different. And a lot more fun.” Steve looked into the camera with a fearful face and shook his head. 

Natasha noticed and slapped him on the back of the head with her free hand. “Don’t listen to him. He has never gained the appreciation of the beauty and intimacy of knife fighting, despite my best efforts. But I digress… Knives are deceptively dangerous. They are easy to acquire, easy to conceal, and can do a lot of damage. We’re going to start this lesson by going over purely defensive moves-- how to block and how to clear enough space to run. After that we’re going to go over disarming and incapacitation on the off chance that you’ll be in a situation where you can’t run. And finally, at the end we’ll briefly go over how to use a blade yourself. And my apologies to Arya Stark, but it’s a bit more complicated than “stick them with the pointy end.’” 

Steve turned to her at that and said “Wait. Who’s Arya Stark? Is she related to Tony?”

Hanging her head, Natasha said “I don’t think I can be friends with you after that. HOW have you not seen Game of Thrones? Like, I know you were a capsicle for five-ever, but you’ve been thawed out for years by now.”

“Ohhh, Game of Thrones. That’s the one with the dragons, right?”

Sighing deeply and soulfully, Natasha shook her head in disappointment. Looking at the camera, she said “This, folks, is who your hero really is. A complete and utter disappointment.”

“Oh come on!”

Natasha and Steve fell into playful bickering as they demonstrated basic techniques, and before long they had moved on to disarming and incapacitation. Each of them hit the ground a few hard times, but they were both enhanced people and didn’t take any serious injury. When the time finally came for them to move on to offense, Natasha made the transition.

“But what happens if you end up with a blade in your own hand and a need to use it? We’re going to go over some of those techniques and situations in a minute, but first I’d like to point out a few major thought processes to overcome.

“First, stabbing someone isn’t easy. I don’t mean emotionally, though I suppose some people might have an issue with that, I wouldn’t really know. No, what I mean it that stabbing someone is physically difficult. People aren’t loaves of bread-- when you stab a person there’s a good chance you’ll hit something hard before you get very deep. Especially as a beginning stabber. When your knife hits bone it’s very easy for your hand to slip forward and you can slice yourself open on your own blade. Which is not a good thing, and we’ll go over a few tips on how to avoid that.

“Second, just because you have a knife doesn’t mean you have to use it. In fact, most situations don’t actually call for using it. People are scared of knives, and seeing one in the hand of an opponent will either make them freeze or make them attack and guard just the knife wielding hand. This leaves your other three limbs open for use. And as I mentioned, stabbing is hard. Kicking or punching while they’re distracted by your knife may be the way to go.

“And...I know I said a few but those are actually the only two I can think of. Come on Steve, let’s do this.” 

Steve gulped, but he dutifully took a knife from Natasha’s grasp and stood at the ready. She flinched in his direction and he dramatically jumped back and squealed “Don’t hurt me!”

Natasha rolled her eyes. “Did you guys hear that? I thought Captain America wasn’t afraid of anyone. It’s a shame, really, how being on the run can change a person.”

Steve just sighed and pointed directly at the camera. “Anyone in their right mind would be terrified of Natasha Romanoff. Remember that.”

Laughing, Natasha lowered herself into a stance and said “Come at me, bro.”

For the next several minutes they stepped through proper hand positioning, body movement, and the best places to attack. Afterwards they did a super quick recap of the lesson, complete with playful banter, and then stood back shoulder to shoulder waiting to sign off. 

“That’s all for this video guys. Sorry it went a little long, but you know how the saying goes...time flies when you’re knife fighting your friend!”

“I may have been a capsicle for seventy years, as you so lovingly named my frozen state, but I at least know that that’s not right.”

“Eh, close enough. Having fun, knife fighting, same difference. Drop me a line in the comments if you have any questions-- or if you just want to tell me how awesome I am.”

Steve scoffed. “As if.”

Natasha just rolled her eyes and bumped her shoulder into his. “Or how awesome this kid is, I suppose. Remember to check back in with me on Thursday for the next segment of Natasha Goes Places She Shouldn’t! NatAttack out.”

_FutureMrs.BWidow: Holy shit, you’re gay?! YES._

_FutureMr.BWidow: @Future Mrs.BWidow I suppose I’ll just bow out now._

_XenaLVR: I live for this._

_CaptainAmericaIsBae: THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!!!!!!!! Steve Rogers is life-- love your friendship!_

_BA.Brock: She is beauty, she is grace, she will stab you in your face._

_ReginaHart36: Thank you so much for doing these videos! Last week I was attacked in a parking garage and thanks to your lessons I was able to fight him off for long enough to get away and phone the police. You’re using your platform and your skills for a remarkable cause, and I don’t think there’s anything more noble than that. If you ever need a place to stay don’t hesitate to contact me-- reginahart@email.com. I may very well owe you my life._

_NatAttack: @ReginaHart36 This means so much to me-- thank you for sharing your story. I know nothing can ever make up for some of the things I have done in my life, but I hope that through videos like this (and maybe in person clinics if I’m ever not a wanted criminal again), I can at least start rectifying my wrongs. Stay strong, stay courageous, and keep kicking ass. <3_

_NatAttackFan69: Omg, who’s your girlfriend? Do we know her?_

_SelfDefense101: Hey @NatAttack, great vid! Do you mind if we link it and maybe pull a few clips for our knife fighting page?_

_NatAttack: @SelfDefense101 Not at all! I believe in the free exchange of knowledge. (:_

_GpaHandMeDowns: @NatAttack Lol, after dumping all of SHIELD’s secrets online I think that’s an understatement._

_ConspTheory00: Alright guys, hypothesis time! Who is @NatAttack dating?_

_Stacy78Jax: @ConspTheory00 Pepper Potts! Wouldn’t that be adorable? Two cute but badass red heads._

_KBell4Ever: @ConspTheory00 My money is on Sharon Carter… though Melinda May is up there too tbh._

_LimeO’Keefe: @ConspTheory00 Definitely a former SHIELD agent._

_Rey4Ren: @LimeO’Keefe Maybe the former SHIELD director? Maria Hill is pretty damn hot._

_314159265Yo: @Rey4Ren No way-- she’s a total square!_

_NatLover46: @ConspTheory00 Idk, but whoever she is, she’s totes a certified badass. NatAttack wouldn’t be with someone who couldn’t hold her own. (and anyone who can hold their own against the Black Widow has to be downright terrifying)_ \-----[liked by NatAttack]

The day after the knife video dropped, Natasha posted a picture on Instagram of a woman looking off of a balcony. The sun was in the final stages of setting and there were city lights shining in the background. All that could be made out of the woman was a shadowed figure with shoulder length hair and an incredible body draped in what appeared to be a light robe. Natasha’s caption of the picture was “The love of my life, everybody. <3”

The comments, predictably, spiraled into a million people proclaiming their intense jealousy or theorizing who the mystery woman was. Natasha thought both reactions were hilarious.


	3. INTERPOL

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The next edition of 'Natasha Goes Places She Shouldn't.'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Brought to you by insomnia and this video of Kate McKinnon [https://youtu.be/ELQfBOJOds0].

The video began with Natasha sitting in what appeared to be a cafeteria and speaking quietly into the camera. “Hey guys! NatAttack here, and you’ll never guess where I am.” She paused for a moment to turn in her seat and show off her surroundings. When she stopped turning we could see a sign behind her on the wall that said “INTERPOL Employees Only.” 

“That’s right, I’m at INTERPOL Headquarters. Specifically, I’m past their three layers of security and in the employee only cafeteria.” She held up a piece of pizza to the camera. “The pizza is terrible, by the way. 10/10 do NOT recommend.”

“I recently spent a couple of days with some friends in Germany, and one of them gave me the idea to break into INTERPOL. I thought it had potential, so I did a test run at INTERPOL’s Germany office, the Kriminaldauerdienst. It was a bit too easy though, so I hopped on a flight and came here to Lyon, France.”

Natasha lowered the camera for a moment and said something in rapid French to a man out of frame. Pulling the camera back up, Natasha said “Seeing as how I had no real plan outside of getting on every security camera they had so they felt extra stupid later, I decided I might as well play INTERPOL employee for the day. That,” she cocked her head in the direction of the man who just spoke to her, “was me being reminded of a meeting I have in 15 minutes.”

She stood up and held the camera at arm’s length, giving us a view of her wardrobe. She was wearing a custom blue suit, complete with a tie. On her lapel was a badge with a fake set of credentials printed on it, and her hair was in a tight brunette bun. Pointing to the glasses on her face, Natasha said “I thought I’d try the whole Clark Kent thing today. How do I look?”

The screen went black and showed the words “15 minutes later…” for a few seconds. Then the video came back up and we saw that the camera was in the back of a room. What was shocking, however, was that Natasha was standing in front of a projector screen and facing the conference table that dominated the room. 

“Sorry about the change of presenters, but Matt had to cancel last minute and asked me to cover for him. My name is Sarah and I work primarily in Terrorist Threat Assessment, but I’ve been working pretty closely with Matt on the Global Watchlist so he thought I would be the best to cover for him today.”

She held a clicker in her hand and appeared to be at perfect ease. Clicking away from the introductory slide, she took a second to look at the next slide before talking. “As you can see here, the agenda for today’s meeting is an explanation of the global watchlist, reviewing feedback from member countries, and a current threats assessment. Please feel free to chime in and ask questions as we go.”

The next five minutes of the video showed pieces of the brief, and through Natasha’s on screen comments it was clear that she had never seen a single slide before those moments. She faked it amazingly well, including making up explanations for various pie charts and bar graphs. According to her presentation, INTERPOL had seen a 4% rise in civilian reporting in the past two months and a 15% rise in those reports leading to verified sightings and captures of criminals. The people around the table were taking diligent notes, and more than once chimed in with questions, which she answered every time without missing a beat. 

Finally, a slide saying “Current Threat Assessment” flashed onto the screen behind Natasha. “And that brings us to the current threats portion of today’s brief.” Clicking through a few slides of terrorists and international criminals, Natasha quickly rattled off their records and the threats they posed. Funnily enough, for most of them she didn’t even reference the slide once she saw the name, and a few times she included information that wasn’t on the slide at all-- such as the fact that Johannes “the Bear” Sledge was currently in Berlin, Germany and the fact that an unknown entity known by the name of “Thrive” was mentally unstable and willing to attack anyone who said the word “sandwich” in earshot of him. 

When the final slide popped up though, Natasha very clearly had a hard time keeping her composure. Staring out from the screen was her face along with the following information:

\---  
Name: Natasha Romanoff

Known Aliases: Black Widow, Natalia Romanova, Natalie Rushman, NatAttack

Hair: Red

Eyes: Green

Age: Unknown, estimated to be in her 30s

Height: 5’ 2”

Weight: 120

History: Red Room operative, KGB assassin, SHIELD agent

Notable Skills: Infiltration, assassination, intelligence, hacking, hand to hand combat, weapons systems, disguise, covert operations, strategizing, torture, etc.

Possible cohorts: Steve Rogers, Wanda Maximoff, Sam Wilson, Bucky Barnes, unknown romantic partner

Reasons for concern: Recent break into the American FBI, complete disregard for laws and boundaries, dangerous past, unknown motives  
\---

Trying very hard not to laugh, Natasha took a deep breath and schooled her face back into a blank mask before turning back to the room. “And, of course, a current threats assessment wouldn’t be complete without a shout out to Natasha Romanoff.”

“I’m sure you’re all familiar with her basic physical attributes so I won’t bother spending much time on that. You should also be familiar with her history with the Red Room, KGB, and SHIELD, given her distribution of SHIELD’s classified files onto the internet. Her skills include weapons, fighting, infiltration, making badass YouTube videos, and just about everything else you can think of.” At her badass YouTube video skill addition a few people in the room raised their eyebrows, but she just rolled on.

“What concerns us most about Ms. Romanoff, however, is her recent notoriety and fame. Simply put, the public loves her. Her YouTube channel has many millions of subscribers, and through this platform she is able to influence a lot of people to her way of thinking.

“Lately she has a new segment called ‘Natasha Goes Places She Shouldn’t’ where she breaks into highly secured areas. I wouldn’t be surprised if she were in this building right now, to be perfectly frank. Her skill set is without parallel, and what’s alarming for us is that we have no idea how she intends to use it.”

Natasha clicked to the next slide, which was a black screen with the words “End presentation” at the top. “I’m sure you can all expect a more detailed brief on the threat posed by Ms. Romanoff within the next week. I believe her next segment of ‘Natasha Goes Places She Shouldn’t’ is dropping tonight, and who knows, maybe some of us will find ourselves in the video.”

One of the men at the table asked “In your opinion, should we be as concerned about the threat posed by Steve Rogers? He was featured in one of her YouTube videos recently, so we know they’re acquainted still.”

Natasha smirked at the man and then glanced back toward the camera, which was filming without anyone else’s knowledge. “Mr. Rogers is not seen as a threat, no. He doesn’t have as concerning a background as Ms. Romanoff, and let’s be honest, he’s nowhere near as cool.”

Smiling widely at the table, Natasha said, “Alright folks, that’s all I have for you today. Thanks for being so flexible with the switch in presenters, and be sure to direct any follow up questions to the Global Threats department. Have a good day.”

Natasha started unhooking her laptop from the projector and packing up her things while everyone filed out of the room, a few stopping to shake her hand on the way out. When they were gone she casually walked over to the door and shut it before walking back to where the camera was sitting. Picking it up and looking directly into the lens, Natasha let out a peal of laughter before saying “I’ll explain later.”

The screen flashed black and Natasha reappeared sans glasses and with her normal hair, sitting on what looked like a hotel couch. “Guys, it’s later.” She shook her head in disbelief and said “That went better than I ever could have imagined. Here’s what happened. I showed up in the morning with the rush of workers and managed to finagle my way inside. Apparently I look like Sarah from Terrorism, because I ran into a distressed worker named Matt in an elevator and he frantically asked me to do his presentation for him. I, of course, said yes, being the kind and considerate coworker that I am, and took a flash drive from him. I decided not to look at it until the presentation. Honestly I just thought it would be more funny that way.”

“I spent the day walking around, I ate lunch in the cafeteria, and while there I was conveniently reminded of the briefing time and location, which you all saw. So I strolled into that room like I owned it and ran with it.” She smiled at the camera.

“Long story short… I walked into INTERPOL as a wanted criminal and walked out having just given a wonderful presentation to the heads of several major departments about the threat posed by none other than Natasha Romanoff.” She paused before saying in her best Maui voice, “What can I say except you’re welcome.”

Sitting up straighter on the couch, Natasha pointed at the camera. “Remember, Natasha Goes Places She Shouldn’t will be back this time next week! Once again, though, I’ll have at least one video before then. And to give you a hint, it involves ropes and chains.” She winked at the camera and said “NatAttack out.”

_BlackBearsJellyFish: Are you fucking kidding me._

_NatLover46: OMG ur amazing. Please keep this series going!_

_45Kali78: Can you go to the White House next? Take a selfie in the Oval Office!_

_KriegsForDayz: Duuuuuudddddeeee. You nailed that! Can you teach me how to fake my English presentation? #Goals_

_CaptainAmericaIsBae: Why you gotta do Steve like that? (lol, jk, I’m sure he thinks it’s hilarious)_

_xxCharlie6: Just pointing out the security flaws again, right? (;_

_NatAttack: @xxCharlie6 Oh, of course!_

_ogThor444: “unknown romantic partner” lol. Even INTERPOL has no idea who you’re dating._

_BDbunny72: Ropes and chains!? Is everyone else just going to ignore that she said ropes and chains?_


	4. So You Want to Tie Up a Widow?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> For her first product review, Natasha chooses to review various restraints. Maria kind of makes an appearance.

“Hey guys! NatAttack here.” Natasha was standing in front of the camera in her recording area-- which happened to have a giant red hourglass on the wall behind her. She was wearing a pair of black leggings and a loose blue flannel over a tank top. “Today I’m going to be doing something a little bit different than usual by jumping on the product review train.”

“Now, I know what you’re thinking. I’m going from fighting Captain America and breaking into the FBI to doing lame product reviews? What, did I get a deal or something? First of all, no I did not get a deal. The whole “international criminal” thing kind of throws a wrench in all of that.” Natasha glanced off camera and smiled and shook her head at whatever was there.

“Secondly, I promise that there will never be anything lame about any product review I do. I don’t do lame, and I don’t want to make you suffer through lame. I value my content and my fans more than that.”

She clasped her hands together and stared directly into the camera lens. “So, for my first ever product review, I’m starting strong with something with which I am _intimately_ familiar.” Muffled laughter was heard off camera and Natasha shot a playful glare in its direction. 

“In both my former line of work and my former and current personal life, I have had immense exposure to restraints-- whether I was using them to restrain others or whether others were using them to restrain me. Or, well, attempt to restrain me.” She shot a smirk off camera. 

“Today I’m going to show you a bit of what I’ve learned through the years. I told my wonderful girlfriend what I was doing for this video, and she selflessly volunteered to tie me up your entertainment.” More chuckling from out of frame. “Because, you know, she’s totally never done that before.”

“I’m going to review four restraint systems for you-- which ones and in what order were determined by her. Also, I’ve been told by M- by my girlfriend that she has a surprise for me at the end. So, you know, I bet that’ll be fun.” Natasha winked at the camera.

Suddenly a black plastic bag came hurtling at Natasha from the right side of the screen, causing her to use her enhanced speed to catch it just inches from her face. Holding it where she caught it for a moment, Natasha turned to glare in the direction it came from, dramatically sigh, and say “Real mature, babe.”

Turning back to the camera, Natasha opened the bag and took out the contents. She ended up with what looked like four blue cuffs connected by steel cables. Recognition lighting her expression, Natasha said “It appears we’ll be starting with the Jameson Forearm Cinch. An interesting little restraint system, it has a few pros and cons. The major con is that on its own it only secures your arms, though it does have an optional lower body attachment. The major pro is simple-- it works.”

Natasha held the cuffs out toward the off camera person and the screen changed to what appeared to be a GoPro type view from the POV of the mystery person. Walking toward Natasha, two hands reached out and took the Jameson system from her hands. Natasha smiled and dutifully held out her arms. The unknown hands moved with practiced ease as they secured two cuffs to Natasha’s wrists and the other two to just below her elbow. In a few quick movements the steel cables were crisscrossed and slotted into their correct attachment points on the cuffs. 

Speaking as the hands were securing her, Natasha said “The Jameson system works by connecting four secure cuffs with steel cables and then cinching them together. It’s a very well designed system in that the more you struggle the more it tightens-- kind of like a Chinese finger trap.”

The hands put the last cable in place and moved to retrieve something from out of frame. Natasha kept talking. “For someone like my girlfriend, who has basically spent her entire career tying people up, securing the Jameson can be done in under 10 seconds. For the lay person on the street, however, it can take much longer to learn where the cables insert. If you need to secure it quickly I recommend leaving the cables attached but as loose as possible.”

The hands came back in frame with a small stick with a triangular head and hovered over the left wrist cuff. “To complete the cinch you need to insert the provided key.”

On cue, the hands inserted the stick into a slot on the left wrist cuff, and Natasha gasped as the entire system tightened and brought her forearms together from wrist to elbow. The camera moved back until it was level with the original camera distance, and the view switched back to the stationary one.

Taking a few steps, Natasha made it so her upper body was clearly visible. “I have been in this system many times, and my escape range is 30-36 seconds. Which, believe it or not, is remarkably slow for me. It would be able to contain nearly all of you indefinitely.”

“I’m going to turn my back to the camera and get out of these-- I don’t want to give away all my secrets.” She winked. “I’ll put up a timer later.” 

Turning her back on the camera, a red countdown timer popped up in the corner of the screen and started ticking. For the first ten seconds Natasha exhibited minimal movement, only having her shoulders rise and fall every few seconds. For the next ten, she bent at the waist a few times and twisted from side to side. For the remaining stretch of time her arms began to move independently, and when the clock said 30 seconds, she turned around with the restraints in her right hand. 

“Like I said, I’ve done that before.” She turned to look off camera and asked “What’s next?”

Natasha went through two more systems pretty quickly-- the Hamm Hogtie and the Kwan Shackles. She moved to a bed to demonstrate the Hamm Hogtie, but she returned to standing for the Kwan Shackles. She got out of them each in 20-40 seconds, but for the shackles she told an interesting story about them.

“Funnily enough, a very similar system was what SHIELD used to bring me in when I surrendered to them. I mean, I had been able to get out of the Kwan Shackles since I was six...but they didn’t need to know that. I elected to keep them on to demonstrate my trustworthiness, but I held them on the point of release the entire time.” 

Natasha broke to laugh at the memory. “But when the Deputy Director offered me her hand to shake, I didn’t even think about it and dropped the restraints. She took it in stride though, and from that day on I was a SHIELD agent.”

Natasha shrugged. “Until, you know, SHIELD turned out to be overrun by Hydra and I released all of their secrets to the public…”

After escaping from the Kwan Shackles, Natasha caught the bag thrown at her just in the nick of time. Rolling her eyes, she opened the bag and took out the contents. Grinning, she looked back up at the camera and said “Time for the highlight of the video, in my opinion. The 4 Corner system!”

“It’s not feasible for quick restraining, or for restraining someone if you don’t have four secure posts already set up, or if you need to move your prisoner… BUT it is fantastic for torture.” A coughing was heard off camera and Natasha smirked at it. “And sex.”

“The 4 Corner system is as simple as they come. It literally spreads you out and ties each extremity to a stable post. That’s it. It’s how we were taught to sustain torture as children, and how we tortured other people as adults. Despite that, though, I have grown to develop a very strong appreciation for the simplicity and usefulness of this design.” 

The off camera person secured Natasha to the bed and moved back to a good distance. Natasha was out of the restraints in 38 seconds, and she actually seemed a bit upset by it. Dramatically sighing, she turned to the camera and said “But, as much as I often wish they could legitimately hold me… they usually don’t.”

Just then, a fifth bag came flying at Natasha and actually succeeded in hitting her in the face. Looking confused, she reached down to pick it up and reached inside. Pulling out a piece of paper, her face slowly split into a smile as she read.

“This is your surprise. Custom designed by me. You won’t be going anywhere-- trust me.”

The camera moved closer to a grinning Natasha, and hands reached out to shove her onto the bed. The hands made quick work of securing Natasha’s arms together above her head and moved back to allow her a chance to escape. After a minute of obvious struggling, it was clear Natasha wasn’t making any headway.

She stopped writhing and asked “How the hell did you make these? … How the hell do I get out of these?”

The view on the screen moved back and forth, making it clear that whoever was wearing the camera shook their head. “Oh come oooonnnnn, babe.” In response, the camera advanced as the unknown person moved onto the bed and straddled Natasha.

The view on the screen was of a flushed and panting Natasha from the waist up, clad only in a thin tank top. She groaned and one of the unknown hands moved until it was flat and pressed into her abdomen. Natasha squeezed her eyes shut before opening them and revealing blown out pupils. She practically growled “Turn the camera off,” and the screen flipped to black immediately.

“That took a bit of an unexpected turn, but I should’ve known I was playing with fire.” Natasha, now with wet hair and wearing a different shirt, glanced to her right side. “I would say I’m sorry for the abrupt end to the main part of the video… but then I’d be lying.” She winked at the camera and quiet laughter was heard from the side.

“Anyway, hope you enjoyed the video and the reviews. Every form of restraint has its pros and cons, and I hope I did a good job of laying them out for you for these four. If you have any specific restraint questions leave a comment and I’ll do my best to get to them.”

“Remember, tune in on Thursday for the next edition of Natasha Goes Places She Shouldn’t. NatAttack out.”

_CLotz <3: Holy hell that was hot._

_BDbunny72: Fuck._

_09MelMart90: I know you kind of glazed over the mention of your childhood, but I just wanted to let you know how incredible I think you are. You were raised in conditions none of us can even comprehend, and yet you make a positive impact every day. Anybody who gives you shit for your past or tries to punish you for it will have to come through me and an army of your fans. Thank you._

_II_TechTeam_II: Ooh, next product review you should do best phones to avoid hacking._

_star66teddy: Your girlfriend seems amazing._

_RockyHorrorFan: @star66teddy BUT WHO IS SHE?_

_ConspTheory00: Seriously, who the fuck is she?_

_NatAttack: @ConspTheory00 @RockyHorrorFan Haha. She said, and I quote, “If they drop your warrants I’ll ride your face in the middle of the goddamn National Mall. But until then they all get nothing.”_

_NatLover46: @star66teddy Operation get them to drop her warrants begins now. Someone make a GoFundMe, I’ll start putting together a movement webpage. I *need* to know who this mystery chick is._


	5. NatAttack in the White House

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Natasha crashes a White House party.

“Hey guys! NatAttack here. As you can probably tell by the video title, this edition of Natasha Goes Places She Shouldn’t brings us to the White House. Before you see the video footage of my eventful evening, though, I thought I needed to give you a little disclaimer.”

Natasha took a breath and smiled a bit sheepishly at the camera. “I got myself invited to the White House Christmas Party-- and no, I will not be sharing with you how I did that. While I was there...I may have gotten a little drunk.”

Laughter sounded from off screen, and Natasha glared at it before turning back to the camera. “Okay, okay. I got shitfaced at the White House Christmas Party. I hope you find this video as entertaining as I found making it.” She shook her head and the video switched to her in front of a bathroom mirror.

Natasha was in a red dress that clung tight to her body but seemed otherwise unremarkable, until she took a step forward and two thigh high slits revealed themselves. Her hair was blonde and in a long Elsa-reminiscent braid down her back, and she wore black heels that must have been at least 5 inches. 

“How do I look?” She smirked into her reflection. “Just kidding, I know I look hot. Since there’s an open bar and I plan on drinking a lot of it, I figured I would lay out my plans for the evening right now.”

“I’m going to be Hana, the young millennial reporter who doesn’t quite know what she’s getting herself into. My goals for the evening are all selfie oriented, keeping in line with my persona. I will get selfies with the President, three secret service agents, and in the Oval Office. The selfies will be posted on Insta after this video goes up.” Natasha winked into the mirror as the bathroom door opened, and the screen switched to her at a bar holding a glass of champagne. 

“Glass number 5.”

The video skipped forward some more to Natasha knocking back another glass. Then another. Then another. 

“Glass number 13. Don’t worry, it takes at least 20 for me to really start feeling it. Enhanced human and all that.”

So the video jumped forward some more and Natasha was grinning into her own camera and holding up a glass. “And finally, we hit 20.” She drained it with practiced ease and turned to look around the room. She glanced at the camera and said “I have an idea. Come with me.”

The camera followed her to a group of women standing on the side of the dance floor. “Senator, reporter, aide. Would you care to join me at the bar?”

One of the women, who was wearing a black dress with a plunging neckline, looked at Natasha and her camera in amusement. “That depends. Who are you, and what do you have in mind?”

“I’m Hana. And as for what I have in mind?” Natasha leaned closer to them and spoke lower. “I was really hoping to take body shots off of a couple of you.”

The women looked at each other as if they weren’t sure she was serious, but then one of them said “What the hell, let’s go.”

The video then skipped to Natasha saying “Here. Hold my phone, make sure you get this.” Then we watched as Natasha stalked toward the woman with the plunging neckline, who was leaning back against the bar and laughing freely. 

Natasha sprinkled salt from the woman’s neck to the swell of her breast and put a shot glass in her cleavage and a lime wedge in her mouth. Then, in a move that left little doubt that she had done it before, Natasha licked up the salt, buried her face in the woman’s chest and knocked back the shot, then retrieved the lime from her mouth-- making sure not to linger too long. 

Laughing, the woman leaned off of the bar and turned to do the same to a woman standing on her right. Natasha retrieved her camera from the unknown person holding it and looked into the lens. “Time to start my checklist? Yeah, I think so.”

She turned her camera so we saw a secret service agent standing by herself in the corner of the room and walked toward her. When Natasha reached the agent we heard her voice say “Hey there, madame secret service agent. Will you take a picture with me? My girlfriend bet me that I couldn’t get three selfies with agents at this party.” Natasha’s last words slurred a little bit.

The agent appeared extremely amused and looked around before shrugging and saying “Sure, I don’t see why not. I wouldn’t want your girlfriend to win the bet.”

Natasha glanced into the camera one more time and grinned before the screen switched to a picture of her with the agent. The agent had her arm around Natasha’s shoulder and was smiling toward the lens. On the bottom of the screen the words “SS selfie #1” showed up.

The video then showed the bar, where there was now a small crowd of people taking shots, and we heard Natasha’s voice say “I think I started something. Sorry not sorry.”

In the next few minutes Natasha took two more selfies with secret service agents, who both seemed to find the tipsy blonde woman amusing more than anything else. We then revisited Natasha in front of the bathroom mirror.

“Okay! I’m definitely a bit drunk right now, but I still have two goals left to accomp- accomp- I still have two goals to reach! The President has been making rounds around the room, so I should be able to get that one without too much difficulty. The Oval Office one will be a bit more difficult though.”

She leaned forward and started fixing her makeup in the mirror. “I’ve done harder things in much more intoxicated states though, so I have no doubts that I can do it. Let’s go get the selfie with the President, and then we’ll knock back a few more drinks before sneaking into the highly secured Oval Office.” Natasha snorted as she said “highly secured” and moved away from the mirror. 

“Time to meet the President.”

The video then flashed forward to Natasha pointing her camera at the President, who was speaking to a man a few meters away. The camera then pointed at the ground and we heard Natasha say “Hi! It’s so nice to finally meet you, Mr. President. Would it be alright if I took a selfie with you? I need proof that this actually happened” in a mildly valley girl voice.

We heard the President say “Of course, of course. Anything for a fan,” and then the screen showed their selfie. Natasha was clearly rolling her eyes and the President was wearing a politician-smile. On the bottom of the screen “President selfie: check” popped up.

Switching back to Natasha, who now stood at the bar again, we heard her say “White Russian, please” and laugh. Looking into the camera, Natasha winked and said “Russian, get it?” 

The bartender handed her the drink and Natasha downed it quickly before slapping the bar and asking for another. Downing that one just as quickly as the first, she stood up and only wobbled slightly as she started walking across the room. Once she was in an isolated corner, she looked into the camera and smirked.

Natahsa’s face was a bit flushed and she seemed far too amused as she said “I’ll be inside the oval Office in less than five minutes… just watch.”

The video jumped to her casually leaning against the President’s desk and saying “Okay, so I lied. It took five minutes and thirty seconds. Still though, pretty good if I say so myself… Which I do.”

She stood up and turned in a full circle, showing that she was clearly alone in the Oval Office. She tossed her braid over her shoulder and said “I, a very intoxicated woman, broke into the Oval Office in just over five minutes.” Natasha grinned and looked at a window through which the party lights were visible in the distance and shouted “Fuck you Secret Service!!”

Natasha then walked over and took a seat behind the President’s desk. “I think this will be my new Twitter avatar. President Romanoff, I can dig it.” Then the screen switched to a picture of Natasha sitting in the President’s chair, turned so the Oval Office was in the background. The words “Oval Office selfie: check” scrolled across the screen. 

The rest of the video was her taking a few more selfies, having body shots taken off of her, and getting increasingly more intoxicated. By the end of the video she was slurring her words and having a conversation with a random White House staffer at the bar. 

“But she’s, like, super dangerous. She’s killed a ton of people.” The man mildly slurred.

Natasha shook her head. “Yeah, but, like, hear me out. That was all back in the day-- I’m pretty sure it’s been almost an entire year since she killed anyone. And she’s, like, a famous YouTube person now. I feel like that kind of automatically makes her not evil.”

The man sighed deeply. “Maybe. I don’t know. She did a lot of fucked up shit in the past, but she does some cool shit now I guess. It’s not an easy question.”

A third person came up and asked “Who are you guys talking about?”

Natasha slurred out “Natasha Romanoff. I don’t think she’s that bad, but this guy thinks she’s evil or some shit.”

The third person, a woman in a basic black suit, said “Nah man, I’m with you. She’s awesome. I don’t care what she used to do-- her videos are hilarious.”

“Thank you!” Natasha exclaimed, and then laughed as she said, “I would totally be her friend.”

The woman snorted and said “I would be far more than her friend.” Then she added “That was inappropriate, sorry. She has a girlfriend.”

Natasha looked into her camera and said “That she does.” Natasha winked and then the screen went dark.

Popping back up with Natasha in her usual studio, she said “So what did you guys think? I got super drunk, but I still accomplished my three tasks. Those selfies will go up on Insta within the hour of this video dropping.”

“If you liked the video, go ahead and share it. I’m meeting with a friend of mine to film a new video in two days, so be sure to check back in for that. It involves quite a bit of jumping and falling, so that’s bound to be fun.”

Natasha offered the camera a wide smile and said “That’s all I have for you right now. Oh, and I feel like I should’ve mentioned this in the beginning, but NEVER drink as much as I do. Steve Rogers is the only person on this planet who can out drink me, and I don’t think any of you are him.”

“NatAttack out.”

_daymillenialldreamz: Drunk Natasha is my new aesthetic._

_Asgardian899: OMG. You just did a body shot off of Senator Gomez. And took a selfie with the President. You are a god._

_XenaLVR: You are perfection._

_fashionista314: Where’d you get that dress? #hot #sideslit_

_NatAttack: @fashionista314 This dress is actually a combination of JC Penney and my sewing machine. I received a very extensive and well rounded education-- including sewing and tailoring._

_BA.Brock: Haha fuck u secret service should be your new twitter bio_

_CaptainAmericaIsBae: You’re doing another video with Steve?! Yes please._

_NatAttack: @CaptainAmericaIsBae Not this time, sorry! I do happen to have more friends than just Steve. [Shocking, I know]_

_Stacy78Jax: Ur girlfriend laughing in the background made my day. I think the fact that she supports u is totes awes._

_HardkoreParkore: Jumping and falling… Are you doing parkour? (please say yes!)_

_NatLover46: Everyone go to [www.FreeNatAttack.com] for information on the movement to decriminalize her existence. Call your congresspeople, share her videos, etc. This website lays it all out._

_Moneybagz90: @NatLover46 Haha this website is great, thanks! We need to start planning protests in DC._

_bghob16: Natasha Romanoff (a former Russian assassin) ordering a White Russian at the White House Christmas Party should go down in history as the best moment of the year. Maybe even the decade._


	6. Hardcore Parkour w/ BirdBoy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Natasha and Clint engage in a friendly parkour competition.

“Hey guys! NatAttack here.” Natasha was sitting on the edge of what appeared to be an extremely high level of a parking garage. “Today you’re all going to get to watch me do parkour. Of course, I’m naturally incredible at it and most parkour practitioners wouldn’t be able to keep up with me, so I needed to enlist a bit of help.”

She turned to look over her shoulder and yelled “BirdBoy! Get your ass down here!”

A few seconds later a body fell from the sky, grabbing the ceiling and twisting so that it fell perfectly through the five foot opening and onto the floor of the parking garage. The body ducked into a somersault before jumping back to its feet and posing like a gymnast with its’ hands up-- facing away from the camera.

Natasha got down from her perch and casually strolled over to the man. Grabbing his arm, she turned him around so he was facing the camera and rolled her eyes. “Ladies and gentleman, I present to you… the Amazing BirdBoy.”

Clint lowered his arms and pouted at Natasha. “Oh come on, that’s not funny. It’s the Amazing Hawkeye.”

“I thought you were retired from that job.”

“Once a carnie always a carnie, babe.” Clint winked roguishly as Natasha and she rolled her eyes again. 

“My girlfriend is literally standing five feet away, Clint. And you know I’m sending this to your wife before I drop it publicly. Maybe tone it down a bit.”

In response Clint just threw his arms around her, picked her up and turned her in a circle, and then set her down and kissed her soundly on the cheek. “No chance in hell, kid. And besides, our ladies know they can never come between us. Bro love is real love.”

Laughter was heard from off screen and Natasha turned to look just to the side of the camera in shock. “Traitor!” Natasha struggled to worm her way out of Clint’s arms, still glaring at the camera holder. “You’re so going to regret encouraging him.”

The camera moved a few steps away from Natasha and Clint, and when Natasha finally got clear of Clint’s bear hug, it clattered to the ground. We saw Natasha’s shoes sprinting off camera and heard shouts and laughter, and then the camera was raising back up and we saw Clint’s close up face.

“While the ladies are busy behaving like children, how about I run you through the plan for the day? It’s kind of going to be like an insane game of horse. I do a jump, she does a jump. Simple as that. Natasha’s girlfriend, and no I’m not going to tell you her name-- I like all of my appendages attached to my body, thank you very much-- is going to be our judge. First one to get five points up on the other will win.”

Clint turned to look in the distance and rolled his eyes at what he saw there. “Guys! We have a video to shoot, stop making out and get your asses back over here!”

Turning back to the camera, he added “You can’t take them anywhere, I swear. You should’ve seen them back when they worked together. Fucking nightmare.” He shook his head and kept talking. “But anyway, back to the matter at hand. Don’t tell her I said this, but she’s totally going to win Parkour Horse. I’m good and all… but she’s literally a super human.”

“I am, however, going to add something a bit more up my alley at the end of the video. So make sure you stay tuned for that.”

Clint turned back to look at wherever Natasha and her girlfriend were and sighed in exasperation. “Are you kidding me!? We’ve been over this, guys, not in public! Jesus fucking christ.” He turned to look into the camera again and said “Excuse me while I go pull Natasha out from under her girlfriend.”

The video then switched to Clint standing next to Natasha, the latter sporting a shit eating grin and looking entirely not apologetic. “Clint has informed me that he already laid the rules out for you, so we may as well get started. Clint, if you will issue forth the first challenge.”

Clint glanced at Natasha and then grinned at the camera. “I figured we’d start small with an exterior descent of this lovely parking garage. Points for speed and flair.”

“Excellent. Babe, can you head down film us from the ground?”

The video then jumped to an exterior view of the parking garage, where we saw Clint casually leaning out over the ledge of the top floor-- which was ten stories up. Then, without any hesitation, Clint did a backflip off of the ledge.

Catching himself on the next floor down, he immediately jumped into his next move. Clint spun, flipped, and corkscrewed his way down the side of the parking garage. Reaching the second story, he pushed himself further out than before and executed several complex turns before hitting the ground and safely rolling back to his feet. 

“Fuck yeah! Let’s see what you’ve got Nat!” Clint jogged over to the camera and looked up at the top of the garage where Natasha was stepping over the wires. 

Natasha stood with her arms outstretched and then leaned forward slowly, letting gravity take her over the edge. She quickly tucked into a ball and hit the next level, springing off of it without even using her hands. She skipped a floor in favor of doing a more dramatic spin, and she executed moves that outclassed even Clint’s impressive ones as she moved down the garage. Then, when she was three floors up she paused for a second to flip off Clint before jumping all the way to the ground. Five flips and a corkscrew later, she landed easily and strolled over to Clint.

“So, _bro_ , are you regretting this competition yet?”

Clint just laughed loudly and said “The day isn’t over yet. Let’s not get too cocky.”

The video then switched to them standing in an alley with a dumpster, a fire escape, and an open window halfway up one of the walls. Clint spoke and said “Challenge 2. Dumpster to escape to open window. But we’re going to mix it up and say that the quietest wins.” 

Natasha raised her eyebrow at the simplicity of it until Clint added, “Oh, and you can only use one arm and one leg. Starting from the moment you make contact with the dumpster.”

“Are you sure you can handle your own challenge, Clint? We both know that stealth infiltration isn’t your forte. Remember-”

“Yes Nat, I remember! No need to regale me with that story. I have the literal bullet hole to remind me.”

Natasha laughed and said “Oh come on, Clint. It was just a flesh wound.”

Clint just huffed and turned away from the still laughing Natasha, walking toward the dumpster against the left wall. Backing up a few paces, he got a running start before jumping and rebounding off of the dumpster with his right leg. He turned in midair and grasped the fire escape landing with his left arm, but his momentum wasn’t enough to carry him any higher. 

So, stuck, he relied on pure upper body strength to do a one armed muscle up and get his right leg underneath him. He managed to awkwardly climb to his foot, but in all of his struggling he made quite a few metal crashing sounds against the old fire escape.

Crouching down on his one leg, Clint pushed off as hard as he could and managed to make it to the window on the opposing wall in one jump. He may have bounced off the window frame and crashed onto the floor inside, but hey, at least he made it. 

Sticking his head back out of the window, Clint yelled “I don’t want to hear it, Nat! That was harder than it looked!”

Natasha looked at the camera and mouthed “Suuuuure it was.”

After Clint had reversed the process, using both arms and legs this time, and joined them on the ground, Natasha lined up for her run. 

Taking off, she too hit off of the dumpster with her right leg. She caught the edge of the fire escape with her left hand, but instead of doing a strict muscle up like Clint, she swung herself underneath it and kicked hard against the wall. Using her new momentum, Natasha swung back and managed to easily flip and land crouched on the railing of the fire escape. Completely silently. 

Once again she paused for just long enough to flip Clint off before jumping effortlessly and completely silently through the open window. While the camera was trained on the window, Clint’s voice was heard saying “Damn show off.”

The video went through the next three challenges in a very similar way, and in each of them Clint was out-spun, out-turned, out-flipped, and flipped off. After challenge number five, which had them racing along the four inch ledge of a skyscraper and then jumping across the ten foot gap for time, Natasha had officially won all five challenges.

“Sorry to disappoint all of the BirdBoy fans, but it seems that I can beat him at his own game.”

“Woah woah woah, not so fast.” Clint walked over and grabbed a backpack from behind a nearby air conditioning unit. “You may be able to beat me at parkour, which, yes, is part of my job. I doubt you’ll be able to beat me at my entire job though.”

As Clint opened up his backpack and pulled out three separate pieces of metal, Natasha groaned. “Seriously Clint? You know I hate bows. Guns are so much better.”

Clint clicked the three pieces of metal together and hooked a string from one end to the other, forming his trademark bow. “I think you don’t like bows because you aren’t good at them. But you can’t hide behind a gun forever, Nat.”

“Me? Not good at something? You’re joking.” Natasha scoffed and put her hands on her hips.

Clint just rolled his eyes and said “Prove it then.”

“Fine, what’s the challenge?”

“Jump off of the north end of the building, do a 180 and shoot a target, then renock with a fly wire and ride around to the building on the west. When you’re on trajectory to the west building, loose the fly wire, renock with a traditional arrow, and shoot the target on the west side of the original building. Land safely and don’t die. Accuracy wins.”

Clint rattled all of that off rapidly, trying to throw Natasha off, but she simply nodded and said “You’re on. I’ll go first.”

She strapped his quiver to her back and grabbed his bow before walking confidently to the north end of the building. Glancing over her shoulder and throwing the camera a wink, she dove off of the building without another thought. 

The video rushed forward to the edge of the building in just enough time to see Natasha spin in her freefall and loose her first arrow. She then reached back and grabbed a fly arrow and quickly fired it at the top corner of the building. 

The camera followed her from an aerial view around to the west side of the building where she hit the bow and released the fly wire. Spinning, she struggled slightly to pull out the next arrow, but she recovered and loosed it seconds before hitting the roof. Which she hit hard and skidded to a stop on her side. 

She rolled onto her back and stayed there long enough for Clint to yell across “Nat! You okay?” In response she flipped him off again and yelled back “Fuck you and your stupid fucking archery!”

Convinced that Natasha was definitely okay, Clint laughed and told the camera “Let’s give her a minute to recover and bring me my gear back. Then you’ll get to see the master at work.”

The video then switched to Clint standing at the north end of the building, wearing his quiver and holding his bow. Saluting the camera, he dove off the roof like he had done it a million times before. Which, to be fair, he had. 

The camera watched him follow the same path as Natasha, easily loosing arrows and swinging on the fly wire. Clint had no difficulties with retrieving his next arrow though, which led to him having a bit less of a hard landing. A bit.

When Clint stood up and raised his arms triumphantly, Natasha could be heard saying “Goddammit.”

Jumping forward, the video switched to Natasha and Clint standing side by side and holding one target each. Natasha stepped forward and the camera focused on her target. “This was target number one. I have the red arrows and Clint has the purple ones, obviously. As you can see, we each made it into the bullseye on this one.”

Clint then hip checked her out of the way and pointed to his target. “BUT, only I made it into the bullseye on this one.” Sure enough, the purple arrow was a perfect bullseye, but the red arrow was two rings away from the center. “So I win!”

Natasha sighed, but conceded. “Yes Clint, you win. This competition anyway, let’s not forget who won the other five today…”

Dropping the target, Clint pulled Natasha into another bear hug and said “Yeah, yeah. You’re the best.”

Grumpily shifting in his arms, Natasha pretended to be upset, but you could see a smile on her face when she looked back at the camera. “Well, there you have it folks, hardcore parkour with NatAttack and BirdBoy.”

“I’ll be back on Thursday with another edition of Natasha Goes Places She Shouldn’t, make sure to tune in for that. Like this video? Share it.”

Clint chimed in with “Love this video? Try it!”

“No no no, do NOT try it. We,” Natasha gestured to Clint and herself, “are better than any of you. Unless you’re also an Avenger, do not try this at home.”

Looking thoughtful for a moment, Natasha added “And if you’re one of the non-flying Avengers, keep your suit on. Looking at you, Sam.” 

Clint looked thoughtful at that and said “Hey, why don’t you call him BirdBoy?”

Natasha patted Clint’s arms from where they circled her waist and said “You’re special, Clint.”

While Clint’s expression turned to confusion as he tried to puzzle out whether he was just insulted or complimented, Natasha rolled on with her sign off. “I hope you enjoy watching my videos as much as I enjoy making them. Even if I do have to put up with losers like this.”

Natasha quickly got herself out of Clint’s arms as he went for a noogie. Looking back at the camera before she sprinted away, Natasha said “NatAttack out.”

_cohg895bu: Awwwww you two are SO cute. #friendgoals_

_HardkoreParkore: This was like a wet dream. Hands down the best parkour I’ve ever seen. Please please please collab with me sometime?_

_NatAttack: @HardkoreParkore I’ve seen some of your videos, don’t sell yourself short! If I’m ever not an internationally wanted criminal I’ll totally do a collab with you. Maybe a workshop with you and some of the other parkour YouTubers?_

_HardkoreParkore: @NatAttack …Natasha Romanoff has watched my videos. I think I just died and went to heaven. I will work day in and day out to get your warrants dropped!_

_NatLover46: @HardkoreParkore Go to [www.FreeNatAttack.com] for information on how to help the movement! We have over a million members now and have a lot of exciting things going on. Sign the petitions, sign up for a protest, Free NatAttack!_

_876carmen: Wait, hold up. Hawkeye has a wife!? Since when? How did I not know this?_

_NatAttack: @876carmen For years, dude. You’re a bit behind the curve. Also, it’s BirdBoy, not Hawkeye. Get it right._

_CrookedStar1: I have a physical need to find out who your girlfriend is._

_KiGo78x: Lol @ “non-flying Avengers”_

_asdf1234: Bromance of the century._


	7. Sunday Snap Story

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> NatAttack’s Snap story on Sunday was a bit outside of her usual fare.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is much shorter than my typical chapter, but I think it's still fun. It might be a couple of days until I update again so I didn't want to leave you with nothing.

The first picture was of Natasha sleeping. She had her mouth slightly hanging open and her mass of red hair was splayed out over the pillow. There were two hearts in the bottom right corner, and the caption was “Isn’t she adorable?” 

-

The next thing was a video of whoever was holding the phone trying to get out of bed and Natasha refusing to let go from where she was latched onto their arm. The arm pulled away a few inches, but Natasha sleepily pulled it back in every time. “She gets extra octopus-y in her sleep.”

-

Then came a video of a hand holding a spatula and flipping eggs in a pan and the words “Breakfast in bed for m’lady.” A pitcher of orange juice sat on the nice marble counter top a few feet away from the stove, and a toaster popped up bagels at the end of the video. 

-

A picture of Natasha taking a bite of her bagel with her eyes closed in bliss.

-

A video of the camera holder opening the bathroom door and seeing the blurred figure of Natasha in the shower. The frosted glass kept any details from clearly being seen, but there was enough to know that Natasha was very naked and incredibly hot. Natasha’s voice sounded after the door opened and said “Mmm. Come to join me?” The caption was the words “How could I ever say no to this?”

-

“Babe, have you seen my phone?” Natasha’s voice sounded from the distance and laughter was heard from whoever was holding the phone.

-

A video from around the corner of Natasha dancing in the kitchen and singing loudly into a pretend microphone as she cooked something.   
“I can lead with pride, I can make us strong  
I'll be satisfied if I play along  
But the voice inside sings a different song  
What is wrong with me?”  
Several heart eyed emojis were added to the screen for good measure.

-

A picture of a plate with grilled cheese and a bowl of tomato soup. “Suck it Panera”

-

A video of the voice altering meerkat filter and a high pitched voice sighing dramatically and saying “She treats me so well.”

-

The next video showed Natasha doing pull-ups on a rather extensive home gym set-up. She was wearing tight black leggings and a sports bra, but nothing else. Natasha turned her head and saw the person filming and said accusingly “ _You_ took my phone.” The phone rapidly moved away as Natasha dropped from the bar and stalked toward it predatorily. 

-

Natasha spoke into the camera, clearly holding her phone now. “As I’m sure you can tell, my lovely girlfriend decided it was a good idea to spy on the spy.” She rolled her eyes and added “I hope you enjoyed the candids, because you’re not getting any more.”

-

A picture from behind of Natasha going hard on a rowing machine. 

-

A video of Natasha effortlessly cleaning over 200 pounds. The caption “And she’s just warming up…” was on the screen, along with the flexing arm emoji. 

-

Natasha once again held her phone and spoke into it. Her face was sweaty and flushed, but she looked incredibly amused as she said “Damn it.”

-

The video was through a crack in the bathroom door and we could see Natasha standing in front of the mirror with a towel wrapped around her. She was putting lotion on her face when she must’ve caught sight of the perpetrator in the mirror. The video was silent, but it was clear that Natasha was shouting as she turned and moved to chase after whoever had her phone. The caption was “Had to mute that one. She used my full name and said a few not so nice things. She still loves me though. (;”

-

A picture of Natasha with arms wrapped around her waist and a bit of unidentified brown hair above her head. Natasha was smiling and wearing what was clearly a too large sweatshirt. The caption was “I sure do.”

\---

On Monday it was clear that Natasha was back in control of her phone, but she did post three candids as payback.

The first was of a clearly naked woman laying with just enough sheet covering her so as not to be scandalous and a pillow over her face. 

The second was of a woman standing in front of a mirror and wearing a suit and tie, and a pair of tall black heels. Her head was replaced by a large black square, but it was clear that she was both very tall and very attractive. The caption was “I swear she wears those just to make me feel shorter.”

The third was a video shot from behind and showed the unidentified woman quietly dancing along to “Thunder” by Imagine Dragons while in the kitchen. 

After the candids were up, Natasha posted a video of herself speaking. “Now that my girlfriend has departed to start her hustle, it’s time for me to start mine.” She rolled her neck from side to side and loudly cracked it. “Time to do some recon and find out what place I shouldn’t go to this week.”

And if social media, and traditional media, exploded from trying to analyze her Snap story… well, that wasn’t her problem.


	8. The Pentagon

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Natasha goes to the Pentagon.

“Hey guys! NatAttack here. I’m sure you’re wondering what the hell I’m wearing right now.” Natasha was wearing what was clearly a US military uniform. For those with a bit more knowledge, it was recognizable as the Navy Service Dress Blue uniform. “In honor of the Army Navy game, I thought I would take a little trip to the Pentagon.”

She tugged her jacket down a bit and smoothed out the lapels. “Today I am going to be Captain Natalie Roman of the United States Navy. 23 years in the service, three commands under my belt, and currently being evaluated for stars. That would be a promotion to an admiral, for all of you non-military people.”

“I’ve been in the Pentagon so many times I could gain entry in my sleep, so that won’t be an issue. That, of course, leaves only the question of what I’ll do once I’m inside.” Natasha smiled.

“Every time I’ve been before has been for a reason-- usually to steal intelligence, and a few times to recon marks. That isn’t exactly the kind of thing that makes for a good YouTube video though, so I decided to have a bit of a scavenger hunt instead.” She pulled out a piece of paper and looked down at it.

“On my list, as created by my girlfriend-- who actually is a veteran for everyone who is inevitably going to freak out about this video-- are the following three tasks: Sign your name on three top secret documents-- including the designs for a weapons system, the designs for the new submarine, and the records for a special warfare mission.”

Natasha nodded her head and muttered “Doable.”

Looking back down at the piece of paper, she continued reading. “Task two is to take a selfie in front of one of your wanted posters, and to autograph it.” Smiling, Natasha said “That’s one I can get behind.” She looked off camera and called out “Too easy.”

Still smiling as she looked back at the piece of paper, Natasha turned it over to read the third task, and then her face fell. “Shit.”

“I spoke too soon.” Natasha’s brow creased and a familiar laugh was heard from off screen.

Sighing, she read what was on the piece of paper. “You must document this excursion live on Snapchat-- minimum of two snaps an hour in addition to a snap of each task completion. You must also post photos of your completed tasks on Instagram no more than two minutes after you finish them.” 

Looking up into the camera, Natasha said “This certainly just got a bit more interesting.”

“I’m currently standing in an out of the way bathroom on the Navy side of the Pentagon.” Natasha had her back facing the mirror and was speaking into the camera. “Due to the snaps I’ve already posted, the index of suspicion is a bit...higher than usual here. So, sorry, but I’m going to have to switch you to a button cam.”

Fishing a miniscule dot connected to a thin wire from her pocket, Natasha reached under her jacket and threaded it through the top button. As she secured the camera, she continued speaking. “The angle isn’t ideal, especially since I’m on the shorter end, but it’ll free up my hands and make me look a bit less suspicious. Of course, I’ll still have to use my phone for snaps and Insta pictures, but that’s more doable.”

Satisfied with the camera placement, Natasha dropped her hand and nodded once. “Switching over now.”

The video angle jumped down and to the side a bit and we saw Natasha slip her phone into her pocket in the mirror reflection. “You won’t get to see as much of my face, but I’ll try to edit the video so it’s not too terrible.”

The video for the bathroom opened then and a Navy Ensign walked in. Natasha turned away from the mirror and walked toward the door. The ENS looked at her with wide eyes and said “Morning, ma’am.” Natasha said “Hello” and kept walking.

The next few minutes of the video consisted of Natasha getting the first task done. She wasn’t kidding when she said that she was familiar with the Pentagon, and she managed to easily stay clear of everyone. When she found herself standing in front of the first top secret document-- the weapons system plans-- she held up a sparkly red marker in front of her button camera. 

“A public service announcement from your friendly NatAttack: glitter and badassery are allowed to coincide. That is all.”

And, leaning down over the table, Natasha signed her name in big red letters across the middle of the design plans. She drew an hourglass at the bottom for good measure. “Once I post this online I’m going to have less than five minutes until they know I’m in the building, and less than ten until they’re on high alert. I need to at least get task one done before then.”

Pulling out her phone, Natasha took a picture of her masterpiece. On screen, a bubble popped up and said “Find me at @NatAttack on Snapchat and Instagram to see my Pentagon portraits” and the video skipped forward to Natasha standing in front of submarine plans.

“Two minutes in.” She took out the same pen and signed her name once again in huge letters. Instead of an hourglass this time, though, she drew a simple cartoon spider. Pulling out her phone again, Natasha pulled up Snapchat and moved to take a picture. 

The video then switched to Natasha standing in front of a bookshelf lined with thin volumes. Pulling one out, we saw that it had “TOP SECRET” written across it in large letters. Opening the front cover, there was a date, location, and name of a Special Operations unit. “Bingo.” Natasha pulled out her marker and signed her name on the front cover and drew an hourglass on the inside cover. 

Natasha took a video of herself opening the cover, as well as a selfie with the booklet. Setting it back on the shelf, she stepped back and looked at the bookcase. Her arm moved up as she checked her watch for the time, and she said “Six minutes in. They know I’m here. Might as well leave them an even better message.”

With that she stepped forward with her marker raised and wrote “Natasha wuz here <3” in large letters on the wall beside the case. Taking out her phone and taking and posting one more picture, Natasha quickly exited the room and speed walked down the hallway. She turned to duck into a bathroom just as three MPs came sprinting around the corner. 

Locking herself in a stall, Natasha switched back to her phone camera and looked at it with wide eyes and a wild grin. “I was right. This is incredibly interesting.”

She set her phone on top of the toilet paper dispenser and used both hands to start undressing. “I have layers underneath, don’t get too excited.” She kept talking as she shed her uniform and revealed a basic civilian business pant suit. “They’re going to be looking for brunette me masquerading as a Navy Captain, not red headed me masquerading as a civilian contractor.”

Uniform totally off, Natasha picked her jacket back up and turned it inside out, revealing that it was reversible and specially made for this purpose. After she shrugged her arms into the now light grey jacket, Natasha reached up and pulled off her wig. Her hair underneath was curly and long, and she quickly pulled it into a loose bun. “Extensions are life savers.”

Pulling a contact case out of her pocket, Natasha popped in blue colored lenses with ease. Standing up straight, she picked up her phone again. “Let’s go get that last picture. But first,” she switched the view of the camera and pointed it at the pile of clothes on the floor to take a picture, “Let’s get another snap in there. It’s almost the hour.”

Snap done, Natasha walked out of the bathroom and directly into the back of an MP. “Oh! I’m so sorry, I should really watch where I’m going.” Natasha’s voice suddenly took on a cute southern accent. The MP looked her over briefly, glanced at the CAC she had pinned to her jacket, and waved her on. “Not to worry, Ms. Greene.”

A minute later and Natasha was in the cafeteria, where lo and behold there was a wanted poster of her on one of the pillars. Holding her phone like she was texting, Natasha looked down into the screen and quietly spoke as she walked. “I’m going to sign it, take a picture, and get my ass out of this building. As fast as superhumanly possible.”

Switching the camera view, we saw as Natasha walked up to the pillar with her name on it just as an MP stationed himself on the other side of it and faced away from her. Taking out her red pen, Natasha wrote “Better luck next time. XOXO- Natasha.” Turning to take a selfie, we heard her say “Shit” just as the MP said “Stop!”

The rest of the video was Natasha sprinting wildly down the halls of the Pentagon while being chased by significantly slower MPs. She managed to get past the checkpoint and into the outside world just before the guards closed off the access point, and she didn’t stop running until she was a ways away.

The video switched to Natasha in her main studio and said “Well, that happened! Hope you enjoyed it. For more about my trip to the Pentagon, check out my Snapchat and Instagram-- links are in the description.”

Natasha smiled a bit and said “Unfortunately, Natasha Goes Places She Shouldn’t isn’t going to be back next Thursday. I have a few other things I’m working on that I’m going to focus on right now. It will be back! Just not as a weekly segment.”

“NatAttack out.”

\---

_bghob16: How the hell have you been to the Pentagon that many times?_

_NatAttack: @bghob16 Umm… super spy, remember?_

_ssGalactixss: Hahahah are you sure your girlfriend wants your warrants dropped? She sure was eager to help you get in more trouble there._

_NatAttack: @ssGalactixss Lol. She just knows I can handle it (;_

_Girlpower22: GLITTER!!! You are absolutely right, glitter and badassery go hand in hand. Thanks for the good message._

_fashionista314: Did you make that jacket too!? Can you start doing sewing tutorials?_

_8765rainfall: “As fast as superhumanly possible” Haha, I can just picture you and Steve coming up with that phrase._

_Swan99Queen34: What are you working on that’s making you take some time off Natasha Goes Places She Shouldn’t? Not that I’m complaining! I love any and everything you’re willing to give us._

_NatAttack: @Swan99Queen34 I don’t want to spoil it for you… but I guess I can say that, among other things, you may be seeing a few more videos with my friends._

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The first snap in Natasha’s story that day was of a uniform cover sitting on a plain wooden surface. There was no caption.

-

The next was a selfie of her sitting in a car. There was a bright light coming in through her window that reflected off all of the metal on her jacket and made it all a bit hard to distinguish. The end result was a rather artistic picture that made it clear a uniform was being worn but made it impossible to make out specific details like the name or rank.

-

The third was a picture of some type of blueprint spread out across a drafting table. Of course, the main eye catching part was the red and glittery signature and hourglass. The caption read “Top secret? I don’t think so.”

-

Of course, after that came the submarine designs and the cartoon spider. She added a few hearts around the spider and wrote “I think this should be how I sign everything now.”

-

Natasha was holding a book and pretending to read it. The front cover said “TOP SECRET” in large bold letters, and her caption said “Just doing a bit of light reading.”

-

The next thing was a video of her holding and opening that same book. She started filming when it was shut, and then filmed opening to the front page. Both places had been signed by herself in a glittery red marker. 

-

A picture of the bookshelf and the huge words “Natasha wuz here <3” to the side of it. Natasha’s caption said “I promise I’m not 5…”

-

A uniform crumpled on the tiled floor of a bathroom. Natasha’s feet were visible in the bottom of the frame, and the toilet was visible in the top. Her caption read “Who am I now? #CatchMeIfYouCan [spoiler alert: you can’t]”

-

At first glance this picture seemed like just another funny wanted poster selfie. Natasha’s face was next to a poster that also had her face on it, and though mirrored, her note on the poster was visible. “Better luck next time. XOXO- Natasha.” If you looked a little closer at the picture though, it was clear that something was amiss. On the far right side of the screen a man’s face was looking around the pillar and his expression could best be described as a mixture of recognition, horror, and anger. 

-

Natasha took a picture of her middle finger, and in the background was the exterior of the Pentagon. “Fuck you Pentagon”

-

The second to last item of Natasha’s snap story that day was a video of a black on black Chevy Corvette pulling up to the curb in front of her, engine revving. She wrote one statement that conveyed everything, “My getaway car is HOT.”

-

The last item was a video of the driver from the waist down shifting gears and slamming on the gas. The driver was wearing a suit and heels that made her long legs look even longer. Natasha’s caption was “Almost as hot as my getaway driver. <3”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> She's eventually going to go to Capitol Hill and a couple of other places, but I want to do some other stuff before then. Expect to see another product review and appearances from Steve, Clint, and Wanda.
> 
> Any video ideas you think I should pursue? My outline for this story is super loose, so I can always shift around or add more.


	9. Best Phones [for the security conscious]

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Natasha goes to Starbucks and does another product review.

“Hey guys! NatAttack here.” Natasha was looking into her phone while walking down the street. From her current camera angle we could see that she was wearing a slouch beanie, thick framed glasses, an infinity scarf, and a flannel. She also had a messenger bag strap cutting across her torso. “As you may have noticed, I’m rocking the millennial hipster vibe today.” 

As she was crossing the street a car honked at her and she flipped it off and kept talking without missing a beat. “That’s for a reason, because today, we’re going to a coffee shop! While I prefer the smaller shops, especially if they’re connected to a bookstore, today’s video will be a lot more successful in a popular chain store.”

She stopped walking and turned around, showing the Starbucks logo on a door behind her. “So here we are.”

Leaning back and pushing open the door, Natasha flipped her camera so that we saw what she saw. The Starbucks wasn’t packed and there was only one person currently in line, but a good portion of the seats were occupied and it was a bit noisy. Natasha hopped in line, and a few seconds later was placing her order.

“What can I get for you today?” The barista was a cute girl probably around 20 with short hair and several visible piercings and tattoos-- who was clearly checking Natasha out. 

“I’ll take a venti warm chocolate. Yes whipped cream. Lots of whipped cream.” Natasha ordered with confidence.

The barista looked amused and asked “ _Warm_ chocolate?”

“Yep.” Natasha popped her “p.” 

“Like a kid’s hot chocolate?” The barista chuckled. 

“Exactly. I prefer not to burn my face off.”

The barista down at her register like she was considering finishing the transaction, but then her curiosity got the better of her and she looked back up with her eyebrows drawn together in a questioning manner. “But...why don’t you just wait for it to cool off?”

Natasha sighed and said in a whiny voice, “Because it takes too long.”

Opening her mouth as though to ask another question, the barista was cut off by Natasha before she could. “Look, just… pretend I’m five. I want a kid’s hot chocolate because I’m scared of hot drinks and I’m too impatient for it to cool off.”

Nodding slowly and still looking highly amused, the barista said “Okay then. That’ll be $4.75.” Natasha handed over a $5 and the barista opened her register to fish out a quarter. “Can I get a name for the order?”

“Nat.”

Handing over her change, the barista said “One venti warm chocolate for Nat coming up.”

“With lots of whipped cream.” Natasha reminded her.

The barista shook her head and laughed. “Oh my god you’re adorable.” She then walked away and started making Natasha’s warm chocolate.

Natasha looked around the interior of Starbucks for a seat, and then made her way to a corner seat not too far from the register. She put sat down and put her bag next to her, and then pulled out a laptop and opened it up. Leaning her phone against the laptop, she moved it around a bit until she had the perfect angle.

“So, down to business. I’m at Starbucks today so I can do another product review-- this time of best and worst phones for the security minded. To give the best review I can, I’m going to hack into people’s phones and pull their personal information. Yay for hacking!” 

“ _Warm_ chocolate for Nat.”

“Hold on, be right back.”

Natasha got up and walked out of frame and then came back a few seconds later with a drink in hand. Sitting down and taking a sip, she smiled. “Warm chocolate. Perfect.”

“Okay. This isn’t going to be a how-to-hack video, so keep it in your pants tech nerds. I’m not going to show you how I break into each phone, I’m just going to tell you how easy it was and compare the phone manufacturers. I might also show you some of the sordid details I’m bound to find.” Natasha smirked at the camera. 

“As we all know, the three big names in the phone game right now are Wizard, Stark, and Cross. Don’t tell him I said this, but if you’re looking for security, Stark’s tech is the best bet. I think Wizard is the better phone overall though. Lots of features. Cross is okay I guess.”

Natasha took another sip of her warm chocolate and started typing away on her laptop. “I’m not just going to say all of this, of course. I’m going to prove it to you. Over the course of the next hour I’m going to hack into every phone that comes into this shop. I’ll time how long each takes to crack and give you a rundown of the information I get.”

Natasha added “Hacking is generally pretty boring if you don’t know what’s going on though, so I’m going to do my best to edit this later so you only see the hits.” She smiled. “Let’s begin.”

She typed for about 20 seconds and then said “I’m in. Cross Tech phone. And oh my, what do we have here?” Natasha looked up like she was looking at the owner of this particular Cross Tech phone and shook her head in amazement.

“First hack of the day...well, of the video, and I get a cheating husband? Love it.” Natasha grabbed her phone and flipped the camera so it could see her laptop screen. On it was what appeared to be a duplicate of the Cross phone, complete with the risque messages which were now being sent and received.

_John: I’ll be a bad girl for you tonight baby. Can’t wait until you ditch your wife. (;_

Natasha scoffed when that showed up and said “Putting your side chick’s name in your phone under ‘John.’ Sneaky sneaky.”

_Oh don’t worry sweetheart, after I get her home from chemo she’ll be too tired and out of it to notice where I go._

_John: Ugh, when is this bitch supposed to die?_

_John: Sorry. I know she’s the mother of your children and all, but I just want you all to myself._

A noise came from Natasha that sounded remarkably similar to a growl.

_It’s okay. It’s true._

_Doctors give her another two months-- tops._

_John: Mmm, can’t wait._

Natasha said “Well that went from mildly amusing to extremely disturbing in about two seconds flat. Sorry for the detour guys, but we’re about to take this ass hat down.” With that she flipped the camera back to her and started typing quickly, a furious look on her face. As she dove further into the guy’s life, she said “Look, monogamy isn’t for everyone, but cheating? Not okay. This dude is cheating on and lying to his wife-- to the mother of his eight year old twins-- all while she’s battling bone cancer. But…” she trailed off and got a concentrated look on her face for a minute.

Smiling, she finished her thought “...I’ve got him.” She turned the camera back around to her screen and showed what she was doing in live time. “I got his bank account information, his statements, his travel schedules, his work schedule, his messages, and a few other things. I marked the drops in his account that coincide with weekends he was away but didn’t have a business commitment. I also noted the amount of money spent at the strip club and at motels. And, of course, his revealing messages. And now…” She opened a new window. “I send it all to his wife.”

Natasha sent the info to the wife and rolled her neck, hearing it pop in satisfaction. “Okay guys, now that that cheating scumbag is out of the way, let’s move on with the product review.”

Over the course of the next few minutes of the video, Natasha successfully hacked into every phone that came into Starbucks. She got bank account information, social security numbers, private pictures, names and ages of people’s kids, and a lot of other information. After she had been there for nearly the entire hour, she checked and was delighted to see that four people in the store were currently watching her YouTube videos. 

She flipped her camera and pointed it at those four people. “That guy,” Natasha zoomed in on a teenage boy standing in line with his headphones in, “is watching my FBI break in.” The kid was looking at his phone and laughing, so much so that he didn’t even notice when it was his turn to order. It wasn’t until the barista had called for his attention five times that he snapped out of it, hit pause, and stepped forward to order. Natasha chuckled and said “Sorry Haley the barista. He was just too mesmerized by the wonder of me.” 

She then pointed her camera to a couple sitting in the opposite corner of her. Both women were looking at a laptop, and every so often they would playfully nudge each other. “Those love birds in the corner are watching my restraint product review, and if lesbian number one’s search history is any indication, they’re not exactly novices to the restraint game.”

“And finally,” she spoke as she turned her camera toward the register and focused on Haley the barista, who was looking down at something behind the cash register, “we have Haley the barista watching my parkour video with BirdBoy.”

Natasha made a tsk tsk noise and said “On the job, Haley? Well aren’t you a rebel. Let’s see what else you’re into.” Natasha punched a few keys and muttered to herself. “She has Stark tech, give me a minute or two to break through.”

The video then jumped forward to Natasha barely containing her laugh. Flipping her camera, she showed that Haley’s home screen background was a picture of Natasha during the Battle of New York. She was kneeling down and simultaneously shooting two guns. “Well, at least I look hot in that pic.”

She moved into Haley’s messages and opened the most recent exchange. 

_OMG. There’s a ridiculously cute customer here right now. I just want to put her in my pocket._

_Leanne: You are such a lesbian._

_Haha, I know. (;_

_Leanne: I need deets. Describe her to me._

_Ugggghhhhhhh. Tiny, cute, ginger._

_I mean, she ordered a WARM chocolate and said she was scared of hot drinks. Perfection._

_Leanne: Tiny, cute, AND ginger? Damn girl, she falls nicely into your Black Widow obsession._

_Hey now, it’s not an obsession. I just happen to think she’s a super badass who makes dope ass YouTube videos and does a lot to empower women._

_Leanne: And she’s hot._

_Okay fine._

_And she’s hot._

Natasha flipped her camera around so we were looking at her face. She had tears in her eyes and she was clearly struggling not to laugh too hard. “Thank you Haley, but unfortunately for your chances of landing the Widow, I’m very much taken.”

“I did appreciate your appreciation of my warm chocolate order though, so I think I’ll give you a little something to remember me by.” Natasha took out the same sparkly red marker she used in the Pentagon and pulled her now empty cup toward her.

Next to where Haley had written “Nat,” she added “Attack” in large red letters and then added her signature hourglass and a cartoon spider. “Before I deliver this to my lovely barista, I figured I should break down the stats. I’ve had a spreadsheet running this entire time and I’ve been adding my hack times continuously to it.”

She punched a few keys on her keyboard and said “In order of Stark, Wizard, and Cross, average hack time was 2 minutes 10 seconds, 1 minute 30 seconds, and 45 seconds. Stark phones also held out the best in terms of how much personal information I was able to obtain. If you’re using a Cross phone I hate to break it to you, but even a novice hacker could get your bank info. I’ll put a link to my full stats in the description.”

Closing her laptop and sliding it into her bag, Natasha grabbed her cup and smiled into her camera. “Time to bestow a gift upon an admirer.”

She faced the camera so that Haley was in sight and drawing ever closer. When she reached the counter she unceremoniously cut in front of a guy in line and leaned against the counter. Haley smiled at her and said “Venti warm chocolate, what can I get for you?”

We saw Natasha’s hand slide her cup toward Haley and heard her say “Just a gift for an admirer. Be sure to check my channel tonight.” Haley’s brows furrowed in confusion as she picked up the cup, but when she read what it said she nearly dropped it in shock. 

“Oh my god.” Haley looked up at Natasha and then at her camera, then back at Natasha. “Oh my god it’s you. Venti warm chocolate is Natasha Romanoff.” 

The camera slowly backed away as Haley stood and mumbled to herself in shock, and then Natasha flipped the camera and turned around to walk to the door all in one motion. Keeping Haley in shot over her shoulder, Natasha laughed loudly when Haley shouted at her retreating back “I love you!” and then grabbed her phone frantically and said “I have to tell Leanne!”

As Natasha walked back down the street she came in on, she started her sign off. “TL;DR, buy a Stark phone if you care about security and a Wizard phone if you live for your social life and don’t do anything illegal. Don’t buy a Cross phone.”

She crossed the street again, this time thankfully honking car free, and resumed speaking. “This Friday you’ll be getting a winter themed video with a familiar face, so look forward to that. At the end of that video I’ll also be announcing a Christmas gift for my bae that’s also kind of like a gift for all of you.”

She smirked into the camera and said “I’ll leave you to speculate about that. NatAttack out.”

_star66teddy: I think we’re all Haley the barista tbh._

_II_TechTeam_II: What kind of phone do you have? (also, you should totally do a how-to-hack video)_

_NatAttack: @II_TechTeam_II Completely custom made. Unhackable and untraceable. It also has a cute glittery red case I got for my birthday last month. (shout out to the gf)_

_kilax8cabera: I thought I was the only adult who ordered the kid’s hot chocolate!! This makes me so happy._

_MA17GA17: Did you really have to show that husband’s name? I doubt it’s easy having a wife with cancer, and you really don’t know what’s going on in his personal life. You really shouldn’t judge people and ruin their image without knowing them like that._

_NatAttack: @MA17GA17 You’re an idiot._

_NatLover55: Xmas gift for US!?!? I can’t wait!_

_QueerVibes25: Hey @NatAttack!!! I’m “lesbian number one” in this video, lol. I just wanted to say that my wife and I are both huge fans and thought it was great that we got to be in one of your videos._

_NatAttack: @QueerVibes25 Haha, hi lesbian number one. I’m glad you liked it! Thanks for watching my videos. I wish you and lesbian number two a long and happy life._

_QueerVibes25: @NatAttack Same to you and your lesbian number two, whoever she may be._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know several of you have requested a Wanda appearance, and don't worry-- she'll be in the next chapter.


	10. On the Rocks

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ice skating with Wanda.

“Hey guys! NatAttack here.” Natasha was sitting on a bench and lacing up a pair of custom ice skates. “‘Here’ being the Ice House, a rink just north of DC.” Finishing lacing her skates, she stood up and started walking toward the camera, somehow managing to appear graceful even as she walked on metal blades.

“Joining me today are two people. The first is my lovely girlfriend and camera woman extraordinaire,” Natasha inclined her head in the direction of the camera, “and the second is my very favorite baby super…” 

The camera stepped to the side and turned as Natasha held her arms open in welcome and a woman jumped into them. Twirling her around, Natasha set her down and grinned at the camera. “Ladies and gentlemen, I present you with Wanda Maximoff.”

Wanda was dressed casually in a pair of jeans and a long sleeve shirt, and she was also sporting a pair of skates on her feet. She was smiling widely at Natasha and laughing at her abrupt twirl. Pulling Natasha into another hug, she then leaned back and said “I have missed you so much, little spider.”

The person behind the camera laughed and must have made a face, because Natasha pointed at them and very sternly said “No. You do _not_ get to start calling me that.” The laughter only got louder and Natasha turned her glare back to Wanda. “You’re a troublesome little witch, you know that?”

Wanda threw her arm around Natasha’s shoulders and they started walking toward the gate to get onto the ice, the camera trailing behind them. “And just where do you think I got that from?” She gave Natasha an accusatory look.

Natasha stepped onto the ice first and smoothly glid backwards. She looked thoughtful for a moment and then nodded her head and said “Fair.”

Wanda and the camera joined her on the ice and they skated for half a lap before resuming conversation. Natasha skated in circles around Wanda and the camera, making everything look easy. Rolling her eyes, Wanda said “Yes, well, not everyone has formal ballet training and skates often enough to have their own custom skates.”

Instead of immediately responding, Natasha smirked at her and took off into the middle of the rink. Once she had room, she took a few quick skates and executed a flawless double Axel. Landing on her right leg, she held her arms out to either side and her left leg back as she moved across the ice. Ignoring the people looking at her in awe, Natasha skated back to Wanda and said “You were saying?”

Sighing, Wanda put her head in her hands and said “I do not understand why I agreed to come here with you.” Natasha put her arm around Wanda’s waist, pulled her to a stop, and faced the camera. “Because I’m the cool older sister in this relationship and I’ve yet to lead you wrong.”

Wanda looked like she was about to object, but Natasha kept talking and addressed the camera. “But, like Wanda, I’m sure you’re all wondering why we’re even here.”

“I’m going to be real honest and say that I mainly just wanted to go ice skating… but, I did think of a few different activities. On the docket for the day is the activity I thought would be the most entertaining. I’m going to teach Wanda how to do a single toe loop!” She smiled and Wanda’s eyes widened.

“Now hold on. You never said anything about me jumping. I’ll make a fool out of myself!”

“Oh come on little witch, do you really think so lowly of me? Or of yourself? You’re a natural on skates, and I happen to be a very good teacher.” Natasha spoke placatingly, but Wanda shook her head and pouted. Sighing, Natasha said “Fine! If you let me teach you how to do a super basic jump I’ll make you paprikash tonight.”

Immediately perking up, Wanda smiled widely at Natasha and then looked at the camera. “If Natasha Romanoff ever offers to cook for you-- accept. Unless she’s trying to poison you...which I guess is a real possibility, so...” Trailing off as though regretting speaking at all, Wanda was saved from having to finish her thought when Natasha rolled her eyes and said “I’m not trying to poison you Wanda.”

Looking at the camera, she added, “Nor will I be trying to kill anyone.” The person behind the camera snorted, causing Natasha to level a glare in her direction and amend. “Fine. Nor will I be trying to _poison_ anyone. As far as methods of killing go, poisoning is rather unsatisfying.”

Natasha started skating toward the center of the rink and Wanda and the camera followed. On the way, she looked over her shoulder and amended once again-- “Unless you’re Joffrey on Game of Thrones. That was extremely satisfying to watch.”

Grabbing Wanda’s hands, Natasha pulled her into the perfect spot for both her and the camera to see Natasha. “What I’m teaching you today is a single toe loop. Super simple. Watch me.”

Natasha skated away a bit before effortlessly doing a toe loop and coming back. “See? Easy. Now let’s start working on you.”

The next couple of minutes of the video was a compilation of Natasha trying to teach an increasingly frustrated Wanda how to jump. She went over it step by step and demonstrated it several times until finally telling Wanda to try it. Without powers. 

Wanda-- tired, sore, and cold-- skated away and moved back in as she attempted the jump. Her take-off and spin was passable, but when she landed on her right foot the ankle buckled under her and she started to fall. Panicked and acting purely on instinct, Wanda threw out her hands and used her powers to right herself. 

Unfortunately, she sent out a bit too much magic and a streak of red moved directly for the camera. If you listened closely you could make out a whispered “Shit” before Wanda’s magic made contact and knocked the camera woman off of her feet.

The camera now pointing at the ceiling and the camera woman offering a small groan, Wanda could be heard speaking in a very panicked tone. “Oh no! Ma’am, I am so sorry. Here, let me help you.”

Suddenly Wanda’s face appeared over the camera and she reached out a hand. The camera woman slowly sat up and accepted the help to her feet, all the while Wanda was repeating things like “Ma’am, I’m sorry,” and “Are you okay?” 

When they were both standing Wanda moved toward the camera with her arms out, looking completely unsure of what she was going to do with them but having them out nonetheless. A hand came into frame and held up a finger though, and we could hear heavy breathing slowly calm down.

Natasha skated toward the camera, looking like she was trying to hide her amusement. Her head moved out of frame and we heard a quick kissing noise and Natasha ask “You alright, babe?” Then Natasha laughed and said “Of course you are” and moved back fully into frame.

Unable to hide her mirth now, Natasha poked Wanda on the arm and laughed. “You trying to take out the competition so you can win my heart?”

Wanda, unable to maintain her panic in the face of a laughing Natasha, raised her eyebrows and said “I thought we already established that you’re the cool older sister in this relationship. Though, if we’re talking about my love life, I wouldn’t mind being introduced to Haley the barista.” Wanda’s eyes twinkled and Natasha asked “What about…?”

“Yeah, we have a good thing going, but I don’t really believe in exclusivity. He’s cool with it.”

Natasha smirked and said “Interesting. I think I might just have a few people for you then.” She bumped her shoulder into Wanda’s and said “I get to set up my little sister!” When Natasha bumped into Wanda though it made her shift her weight onto her ankle, and she was reminded very suddenly of the fact that she had made a very harsh landing on it.

Crying out in pain, Wanda buckled a bit and had to be supported by Natasha. “Mother fucker!”

Natasha laughed and said “Don’t let capsicle hear you talking like that.” As Wanda attempted to laugh through her pain, Natasha gestured toward the camera and asked “Babe, can you get her other side?”

The camera pointed down at the ice as the camera woman took up post on Wanda’s left side. Wanda, remembering the reason she was in this position, once again started trying to apologize. “Ma’am, I-”

The woman snorted and Natasha spoke. “Wanda, sweetheart, you know you don’t have to call her ma’am anymore, right?” As they slowly moved toward the gate, Wanda sighed and said “I know, but I can’t help it. I’m pretty sure she’s the definition of scary and intimidating.”

The woman openly laughed then, and when Natasha spoke you could hear the pout in her voice. “More scary and intimidating than me? Come on! I’m the Black Widow.” 

Natasha moved through the gate first as they turned sideways to get through. Once they were through, Wanda picked back up the thread of their conversation. “You may be the Black Widow, but I’ll never be able to see anyone other than the woman who sleeps with a stuffed spider on missions. Your girlfriend, on the other hand… well, let’s just say there’s a reason she had the job she did.”

Natasha dumped Wanda a bit roughly onto a bench and the camera moved back to take them both in. Wanda looked a bit sheepish as Natasha stood staring down at her with her hands on her hips. “I can’t believe you just said that! I retract my offer of sisterhood.”

Wanda just rolled her eyes at Natasha’s words, clearly used to her antics by now. “That’s too bad. Who else is going to make me paprikash when I’m homesick? Or warm chocolate when I can’t sleep? Who else is going to set me up with cute baristas and teach me the ways of love?” Wanda coated her voice with ridiculous amounts of sugary sweetness, and when she was done talking Natasha couldn’t help but to smile. 

“Ugh, fine. I guess we can still be sisters.” Natasha dropped her hands from her hips and kneeled down in front of Wanda. “And as is my sisterly duty, I’m going to need to check this ankle out.”

She carefully unlaced and removed the skate, taking note of when Wanda winced. Once the skate was off, Natasha peeled off the sock and fully exposed the injury. It was swollen twice the size that it should’ve been and was already starting to form bruises. Natasha did a quick assessment by palpating the ankle and having Wanda move it in different directions, and after a few minutes she concluded “Not broken, which is a bonus. It’s a pretty bad sprain though, so you’ll need to take care of yourself and stay off of it for a while.”

Wanda sighed and said “You owe me so many home cooked meals for this Natasha.”

Natasha stepped forward and placed a kiss on Wanda’s forehead and said “I know, sis, I know. What do you say we head to my place and get started on that paprikash?”

“That sounds great, but don’t you have a video to finish?”

“Oh shit, that’s right!” Natasha turned away from Wanda and grinned into the camera. “Well guys, the fun was cut short because of a rather unfortunate injury, but I hope it was still enjoyable. Next time she’ll totally land it.”

“Next time!?” Wanda called out and Natasha rolled her eyes.

“Now, before I forget, I believe I also promised to announce a Christmas gift for my girlfriend. Since I never lie,” the voice behind the camera scoffed yet again. “Fine. Since I see no reason to lie during these videos, I’ll stick to my promise and inform you.”

“Starting tomorrow and lasting for the following seven days, my girlfriend will have total control over all of my social media accounts. Including deciding what videos I do and what photos I take.”

Wanda said “Holy hell you’re going to regret that.”

The person holding the camera stalked forward and we saw a hand grip Natasha’s face before the camera was pointed at the floor and we heard the sound of kissing and quiet talking interspersed. Wanda said “Umm, guys?” and then sighed dramatically when neither of them stopped. 

The camera was suddenly moved and Wanda’s face came into frame, showing that she clearly took the camera from them. “While Natasha is _thoroughly_ thanked and the two of them forget about my injured ass sitting here, I figured I might as well sign off for her.” 

“Leave suggestions for what tasks she can make Natasha do over the course of this next week, and remember, be creative! Now, what is it Natasha says? NatAttack is getting off? Oh shit, no.”

Her brow furrowed as she thought. “NatAttack is going out? Something like that. Anyway, goodbye.” The video cut to black as it ended.

_Figure8zz: Where did you get your custom skates? I’m on the market for a new pair and yours look #fire_

_543icesktfordayz: Your double Axel was flawless. Can you do a video sometime of you doing triples or quadruples?_

_28venomsynd28: You’re telling me that Wanda Maximoff is poly and queer and an immigrant and powerful and beautiful? I’m not sure my little queer trans heart can take that kind of perfection overload. (also, I totally ship Wanda and Haley the barista)_

_contiguaphor: I would like to propose a motion that NatAttack fans be henceforth and forever more known as “little spiders.”_

_NatLover46: @contiguaphor I love it! That’s totally going on a tee shirt. Everyone be sure to go to the protest in DC on Sunday!_

_NatAttack: @contiguaphor I approve this message._

_MomMirage: My six year old (who has posters of you on the wall) saw you doing the first jump while I was watching this and has been unable to do anything besides beg to watch more “cold dancing” videos and to be signed up for classes. Thank you for being such an inspiration._

_NatAttack: @MomMirage This is great to hear-- I’m glad I sparked their interest in this fantastic sport. I didn’t learn it in the best of conditions, but I grew to love it in my adult life. Haha, hopefully your kid will grow to appreciate it before I did._

_NatAttack: Girlfriend here! It is officially after midnight and these accounts are mine for the next seven days. I’m already working on a few ideas, but the more the merrier. What do you think I should do this week?_

_kilax8cabera: @NatAttack Make her get a tattoo!_

_45mixer: @NatAttack Ooh, make her do a music video._

_hu9b2t: @NatAttack She should bring back Natasha Goes Places She Shouldn’t this week._

_g598-ovhn: @hu9b2t Agreed, but it should be to Stark Industries. Have her do the selfie in the office thing again (like with the FBI)._

_carmilla_talex: @NatAttack Bring BirdBoy back for something!_

_abc-844221105525: @NatAttack Lol, you should totally have her introduce Haley and Wanda._

_icelandtastic: @NatAttack Off topic, but what the hell kind of job did you have that Wanda is that scared of you?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The offer for my fictional commentators is the same as for you real people. What do you think Maria should make Natasha do during her 7 days of control?


	11. Photo shoot

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Photo shoot for NatAttack merch. Featuring our two favorite ladies, Wanda, Clint, Steve, and Liho the cat.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is longer than my usual-- I got a bit carried away.

An Instagram post on Saturday teased the subject of Sunday’s video. It was a picture of Natasha in a red onesie covered in pink and white hearts that had “Nat” embroidered on the left breast. She was looking at the camera with a clearly grumpy expression and was holding a plastic bow in one hand and an empty quiver in the other. The caption said “I refuse to give her any arrows-- I’m not an idiot. She is not amused. Tune in tomorrow to NatAttack’s YouTube channel to see what this is all about. You’re in for a treat. (;”

The video dropped the following morning. 

“Hey guys! NatAttack here. For first video during my girlfriend’s week of control, she asked me to read this statement from her describing what’s going on today.” Natasha waved a folded piece of paper at the camera and then unfolded it slowly and a bit apprehensively. 

Clearing her throat, she started reading. “Today we’re doing a photoshoot.” Natasha’s nose crinkled and she looked to the side of the camera and asked “Really?”

“Anyway. Today we’re doing a photoshoot. The pictures will all be posted on Instagram and made available for download after this video is posted. In addition to posting the pictures, however, merchandise bearing their likeness will be sold through a third party. We will get themed pictures for a NatAttack wall calendar as well as a few pictures for tee shirts.”

“As soon as they are available for purchase a link will be posted across all social media accounts. 100% of proceeds that aren’t going toward cost of production will be donated to a charity of Natasha’s choice-- which she will pick between now and production time.”

Natasha looked back up with a distasteful expression and said “And I take it my charity of choice can’t be my own pocket?” A snort was heard, and a motion must have been made because Natasha was soon turning over the paper to continue reading. 

“And no, Natasha, your bank account does not count as a charity.”

She looked up and exclaimed “Damn it!” before rolling her eyes and continuing reading.

“For the calendar there will only be one picture per month and it will be based on something to do with that month. I’d like to apologize now for anyone who will be offended by their cultural or religious holidays being overlooked.” Natasha scoffed and looked at the camera. “If any of you get mad at my girlfriend for not managing to include every possible thing in one picture you can go fuck yourselves.” 

A throat clearing was heard and Natasha huffed and said “Fine, you can’t go fuck yourself. But you can get the stick out of your ass.” She looked back at the off camera woman and said “Better?” with a smirk before resuming her reading.

“I also managed to convince three of our friends to help out with the shooting and to feature in a few pictures. The YouTube video will show the behind the scenes of the shoot, but the actual pictures will be put up on Instagram first. Natasha, open the bag on the table behind you.”

Natasha retrieved a black bag from behind her and pulled out a black dress, a pair of heels, and an empty champagne glass. Sighing, Natasha asked “New Years?” She held the dress out and gave it a once over. “Eh, at least the dress is hot. I’ll go change.”

While Natasha was changing, a knock was heard at the door and the camera moved toward it. A hand reached out to open the door, and when it was partially open a large hand pushed it the rest of the way and stepped forward to pull the camera woman into a hug that was released just as quickly. 

Stepping back, a sheepish Steve Rogers looked at a place just above the camera and said “Sorry. I know you’re not really a hugger for anyone except Nat. Thanks for not shooting me. I’m just so excited for this!”

Before Steve moved further into the house, the camera caught sight of two more people walking up to the door. When they got close enough it was clearly Clint Barton and Wanda Maximoff, who were playfully bickering.

“Hey guys!” Steve happily greeted the duo with hugs when they stepped across the threshold. 

Clint gave a fist bump and a nod to whoever was behind the camera and cocked his head back at Wanda and said “Sorry we’re a bit late. I had to get this one off her ass.” Ignoring Wanda’s noise of protest, he rolled his eyes and said “Children.” 

Wanda walked over and smacked him on the back of the head and said “I am above the age of majority, thank you very much.”

Clint rubbed his head and glared at her. “Did Nat teach you to do that? I knew I should never have trusted that bitch.” At this the hand not holding the camera reached out and smacked him on the head too and he sighed in defeat.

The camera and the three Avengers moved into another room where there was a green screen, two laptops, and a few nice cameras set up on tripods. They stood around and chatted for a minute before a door opened on the other side of the room and Natasha stepped through.

The black dress was incredibly tight and showed off every curve she possessed. The neckline plunged to below her sternum and looked to be barely containing her chest. She strutted into the room like she lived there, which, to be fair, she did. 

Not even acknowledging the arrival of her three friends and teammates, she shoved her empty champagne flute into Steve’s hand. “Get me a drink, will you?” Steve rolled his eyes and said “Nice to see you too Nat,” but he dutifully walked out of the room to fulfill her request.

When Steve left, Natasha’s aristocratic appearance cracked and she smiled. Which was all it took for Clint to dart forward and give her a hug. Wanda followed suit, and when she pulled back she looked Natasha up and down and gave her the a-okay sign and said “Hot.”

Steve came back in with an entire bottle of champagne along with the now full glass, the latter of which he handed to Natasha. At Natasha’s raised eyebrow, Steve just shrugged and said “I wasn’t sure how many takes we’d be doing and didn’t want you to run out.”

Wanda took the bottle from his hands and said “Good thinking. I’ll be her cup bearer.” Steve, in all of his innocence, gave her the bottle without question. As soon as he turned his back, though, Wanda tipped the bottle back and started chugging it.

“Hey now!” Clint snagged it out of her hand and playfully glared at her. “You may be an adult, but you’re definitely not drinking age.”

Wanda scoffed and said “Right. Because everyone in this room obeys so many laws.”

Swooping in, Natasha said “Here, give it to me, I’ll put it to the side.” Clint relented and gave Natasha the bottle before walking over to where Steve was standing. Natasha looked down and tugged on her dress a bit, then said “Wanda, come help me fix this thing?”

And if Natasha covertly handed Wanda the bottle back as they were walking out of frame, well, that was between the two of them. 

“On to February!” Steve said with unbridled enthusiasm as the video jumped forward.

“You are enjoying this far too much, Steve.” Natasha grumbled, but was unsuccessful in hiding her small smile.

A bag was tossed to Natasha, who caught and opened it immediately. Looking inside, she pulled out a red onesie covered in hearts and turned to glare at the person who threw the bag. “No fucking way.”

Wanda came into frame and threw an arm around the shorter Natasha. “Aww, but you will look so little and adorable!” Natasha’s face turned deadly as she slowly turned to look up at Wanda’s smiling face. Clint had just enough time to yell “Run!” before Wanda was sprinting from the room with Natasha on her heels.

The video then jumped to Clint being given a similar bag as Natasha’s and also pulling out a costume. His was a white toga, a gold circlet, and a plastic bow and arrow set. Unlike Natasha, he looked ecstatic and said “I’m cupid? Yes!”

A little while later, Clint was shooting Natasha with suction tipped arrows from across the room. She stood with her hands on her hips and an “over it” expression on her face, but when one of Clint’s arrows stuck itself to her forehead she yelled “Damn it BirdBoy, save your shooting for the photoshoot!” She pulled the arrow from her forehead with a small pop and propelled it back at Clint.

The next scene in the video was Natasha pulling a set of blue coveralls and a red polka dotted bandana out of a bag. She grinned and said “Now we’re talking.”

Natasha was clearly dressed as Rosie the Riveter when she walked back through the door to the photoshoot room. Clint said “Damn bro, looking good!” and Wanda put her fingers in her mouth and let out a loud wolf whistle. Natasha jokingly flexed in their direction and then strutted toward the green screen. 

When she was standing in the picture area she looked at the camera then at Steve, who was standing with Wanda and Clint. Twirling in a circle with her arms outstretched, Natasha looked back at Steve and said “What do you think, Steve? Do I look authentically WWII?”

Steve grinned and said “Super realistic. I wouldn’t be surprised if you had been the one frozen for 70 years.”

Natasha glanced back at the camera and said “Straight from the capsicle’s mouth.”

Jumping forward to Natasha pulling out her next costume, she arched an eyebrow and asked “The fuck is this?”

She pulled it out the rest of the way and held it up in front of her. It was a green fairy costume, complete with a tutu style skirt and sparkly wings. Natasha looked at the camera and said “You know how I feel about Tinker Bell. What hell does this have to do with April anyway?”

A hand motioned to a piece of paper that had fallen from the bag when Natasha pulled out the fairy costume, and, huffing, Natasha leaned down to get it. Reading the paper out loud, Natasha said “Yes, you’re wearing the fairy costume. We’re doing an Arbor Day picture. The theme is nature/natural, so unless you can pitch me something better, you’re being a nature fairy.”

Natasha stood still and thought for a moment after finishing reading the note. Finally, her eyes lit up and she smirked at the camera. “You want something more natural than a nature fairy?” She tossed her Rosie bandana to the side and reached up to start unbuttoning her coveralls. “Coming right up.”

Reaching the last button, she shrugged her upper body out of the coveralls and started tugging them down around her hips. Steve blushed and averted his eyes, Wanda whistled again, and Clint called out “Natasha Romanoff! You are not stripping naked in front of Steve. We don’t want to traumatize the poor man.”

Natasha rolled her eyes and stepped out of the overalls, now clad only in a bra and underwear. “I was instructed to pitch my girlfriend something better than Tinker Bell, Clint. I can’t stop until she tells me that my pitch is… successful.”

With that she reached behind her to start unclasping her bra. Clint moved his hand to cover Wanda’s eyes, but she just laughed and swatted it away. When Natasha started to slide one of her bra straps off of her shoulder, the camera woman made a growling sound and the camera fell to the floor. The video cut off then.

The next part of the video shown was Wanda and Natasha walking back into the photo shoot room in their May costumes. Wanda was dressed as Captain Phasma without her helmet and Natasha was dressed as Rey. They walked together to the shoot area and fake glared at each other once there. 

Steve called out “Natasha!” and tossed her a toy lightsaber, which she easily caught and lit up all in one motion. Pointing the lightsaber at Wanda and crouching down, Natasha said “Your move, Phasma.”

Wanda simply smirked and pointed a finger gun back at Natasha. As she stood there, the ends of her fingers comprising the “gun barrel” began to glow red. “You’re going down, resistance scum.” Wanda then pretended to pull a trigger and sent a phaser blast at Natasha, who rolled to one side to dodge it. 

Natasha and Wanda, still in their Star Wars costumes and looking a bit dinged up, stood side by side looking down into the June bag. They pulled out a single note and Wanda read it out loud. “June is Pride Month. How much queer can you fit in one picture?” 

Laughing, Natasha said “I really hope that’s a challenge.” She looked near the camera and said “Babe, you’re getting in this one too.”

“Clint, go to the hall closet and get the storage box labelled “Gay AF.” Wanda, come with me and her to our room to get changed. Steve… I don’t know. Look pretty.” Steve smiled at Natasha’s directions and stood with his hands in his pockets. 

The video jumped to Wanda standing behind Natasha, who was kneeling and pulling things out of the “Gay AF” bin. Wanda was wearing a shirt that said “I <3” and then had a picture of a frying pan. Natasha pulled out a few things, but it wasn’t until she pulled out a mask that she exclaimed “Yes! I knew this was in here.”

She stood up and ran out of frame with the mask, and when she came back in frame a few seconds later she was pulling a tall woman in jeans and a rainbow blazer… and an Ellen Degeneres mask. Natasha was wearing a shirt that said “Queer Vibes.”

Wanda came over and spoke to the Ellen-masked woman and said “You should totally hold Liho in the picture.” Natasha gasped and said “Why didn’t I think of that? Steve, I have a job for you!”

Steve, who looked like he hadn’t moved at all after his directive to “look pretty,” perked up and asked “What?” 

“Go get Liho. She likes you.”

Steve’s face paled and he swallowed hard, but he nodded and left the room. Coming back in later, most of his exposed skin was covered in scratches, but he was grinning triumphantly and holding a black cat in his arms.

Natasha cooed out “Liho, my baby. Did you get big bad Captain America? I’m so proud of you!” She took Liho out of Steve’s arms amid his protests about being Liho bait yet again and walked back toward Wanda and Ellen-mask. She handed Liho to Ellen-mask, and Wanda said “Alright! The lesbian has her cat, now we’re ready to start rotating!”

Sighing, Natasha threw her arm around Wanda as they walked toward the shoot area. “It’s ‘ready to roll,’ Wanda, not ‘start rotating.’” 

Clint walked in front of the camera holding a bowl filled with slices of watermelon, which he deposited on the table that had been set up in front of the green screen. Steve and Natasha walked up next, each in shorts, tank tops, and backwards hats. Steve’s tank top was an American flag pattern, and Natasha’s was a Captain America one. 

Steve reached into the bowl to grab a slice, but Natasha slapped his hand away and said “Wait for the shoot, Mr. Black Hole for a Stomach.”

The next thing Natasha pulled out of a bag was a blue bikini and a pair of board shorts that had a sticky note on them saying “Clint.” Clint came into frame then and grabbed them. “Beach day for August? Hell yeah!”

While Natasha and Clint were gone and getting changed, Steve effortlessly carried a large surfboard to the shoot area. Just after the surfboard was set up, Clint and Natasha came walking back in. Clint looked perfectly at home in board shorts and walked straight to the surfboard, which he tucked under his left arm.

And Natasha, well… Natasha was the Black Widow in a bikini. That pretty much speaks for itself.

“What can you possibly do for September?” Natasha said as she grabbed the ninth bag from the side of the room. Even though the question wasn’t intended for her, Wanda chimed in with “The Autumnal Equinox is in September, is it not?”

Natasha opened up the bag and whatever she saw was enough to make her bust out laughing. “You hit the nail on the head, Wanda. It appears that we’re going with a beginning of fall theme.” The video didn’t include anything else about September. 

Natasha pulled a pointy hat out of the bag and laughed. “Suck it, Wanda, looks like I’m the witch now.” 

Wanda merely rolled her eyes and turned to Steve, saying “Go get Liho again, Steve. We can’t do Halloween without a black cat.”

“Why do I always have to be the one to get that devil cat?”

A shoe came flying at Steve from the side of the screen where Natasha stood, and her voice called out “Don’t you dare insult my baby.”

Steve ran his hands through his hair and turned to leave the room on a cat hunt, but at the door he paused and said “I didn’t say anything that wasn’t true.” The second shoe narrowly missed him as he laughingly moved off down the hall.

Wanda asked “Is there anything else in the bag?”

Natasha turned it upside down to show that, no, there wasn’t, and Wanda pursed her lips. She said “I hope you guys aren’t attached to any of your sheets” and stalked from the room, leaving a perplexed looking Natasha in her wake.

A little while later Wanda came back with a white sheet decorated to look like a ghost, and Steve came limping in with Liho in his arms right after. While Natasha gathered up Liho in her arms and gave her a few kisses, Wanda took the camera from the camera woman and handed her the ghost sheet. The woman laughed, but rustling could be heard as she put the sheet on. 

A few seconds later, Wanda pointed the camera at Natasha, Liho, and a tall ghost. Speaking from her place behind the camera, Wanda said “Aww, look at that cuteness. Two queer women and a cat-- how do you get better than that?”

Like the October bag, the November bag had Natasha pulling out a hat. When she saw that it was a pilgrim style hat, though, she dropped it back in the bag and threw the entire bag across the room where it landed neatly in a trash can. 

“No way. Thanksgiving is a bitch ass holiday that I refuse to celebrate.” Natasha looked off camera for a second like she was listening and then shook her head. “I don’t care if the rest of America celebrates it. Besides, wasn’t that the point of your whole ‘sorry if we left out your holiday’ disclaimer at the beginning?” She paused again. 

“Exactly. Clint, Steve, Wanda, go find as many shopping bags as you can and bring them here.” Natasha looked directly into the camera and said “I would rather celebrate consumerism than Thanksgiving, so that’s exactly what we’re going to do. Black Friday for the win.”

The video finally reached the final month of the year, which led to Natasha standing frozen in place as she looked into a blue bag. “Nat, you good?” Clint asked. Natasha snapped out of her stupor and nodded, a smile slowly spreading across her face. “Better than good, Clint.”

She pulled out a hanger that had an Elsa dress and wig hanging from it. Wanda gasped and said “You’re going to be Elsa. Holy shit. I’ll get the glitter.” As Wanda ran from the room, Steve looked around in confusion and said “What’s the big deal about Elsa?”

Clint and the woman behind the camera laughed, and Clint said “Oh my god Steve I forgot you weren’t there that night.” When Steve’s confused expression only intensified, Clint tried to stop laughing long enough to explain it.

“Last year, around this same time actually, me, Wanda, Nat, and M- and her girlfriend had a movie night. We got stupid drunk, ordered pizza, and watched Frozen. Anyway, long story short, Natasha loves that movie and a lot of funny drunk shit happened. Including loud singing, glitter throwing, and proclaiming Elsa to be the hottest animated character of all time.”

Wanda came back into the room with a large container of glitter and added “It was glorious, Steve. Trust me.”

Just then, Natasha dramatically threw open the door and walked regally into the room. With the tight blue dress and the long blonde Elsa-braid over one shoulder, she looked every bit a snow queen. The woman behind the camera was the one who wolf whistled this time, causing Natasha to turn, smirk, and say “I know.”

“Alright guys!” Natasha was back in her usual video spot. “Hope you enjoyed the behind the scenes on that photoshoot, and remember, links to buy a calendar and shirts will be up as soon as the seller has them in stock. The proceeds will go to a reputable charity that I will announce along with the links to purchase.”

She scooted away from the camera far enough to show her shirt, which was black and had a red glittery “NatAttack” across the chest. “I guess my girlfriend has been thinking about this whole merch thing for a while, and it inspired her to order about a million shirts about me from Etsy. This one is from seller glitterbage. I’ll be wearing some randomly in my videos, so keep an eye out and let me know which ones you like. Or, better yet, go buy some yourself!”

Moving back in closer to the camera, Natasha continued with the sign off. “I had a great time today, and I think the pictures turned out really well. They’re all up on Instagram now if you want to go check them out. But for now? NatAttack out.”

_Glitterbage: You’re wearing my shirt! That’s incredible-- thank you!_

_greeneggsandham: There are so many incredible things in this video I don’t even know where to start. The Ellen mask (why do you even have that?), the hatred of Thanksgiving and of Tinker Bell (the former makes total sense, but what’s her beef with Tinker Bell?), the Star Wars duel with Wanda, the Arbor Day strip tease (not words I ever thought I would be writing)... everything. Well done, anonymous girlfriend. Well done._

_NatAttack: @greeneggsandham Haha, thanks. The Ellen mask was mine from before she moved in and we consolidated gay bins. Yes, there is a hilarious story behind it. No, you will not be hearing it. The Tinker Bell thing is something I haven’t quite figured out yet. I think the aversion is more to “obsessed with Peter and mean to Wendy” Tink than to the cool new tinkering Tink. I appreciated the strip tease as well. (;_

_JLP <3BCC: Clint said that your movie night was over a year ago… Have you been dating this entire time and none of us knew?!_

_NatAttack: @JLP <3BCC We’ve been dating for several times that length of time, actually. Lol... surprise!_

_33SigourneyWeaver44: Where was Sam?! He totally should’ve been in the calendar._

_NatAttack: @33SigourneyWeaver44 I agree with you, but unfortunately he had other engagements yesterday and couldn’t make it._

_I’mNotStraight: Holy fucking shit I can’t wait to buy this thing._

_a3se6rd8t7fy: Hahahaha. Did Natasha already own the Captain America tank top or did you buy it for the video?_

_NatAttack: @a3se6rd8t7fy I most definitely did not buy it for the video. Natasha has an extensive Avengers themed wardrobe-- it’s actually really cute._

_millennialdreamz95: Wanda is my spirit animal. She drank like half of that bottle in less than three seconds._

_CaptainAmericaIsBae: Sometimes I forget Steve Rogers is from the 1940s, and then he acts so damn cute and awkward and chivalrous and I remember. They don’t make men like him anymore._

_NatAttack: @CaptainAmericaIsBae He’ll be delighted to hear that._

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

January: Natasha is in a tight black dress with a plunging neckline. She’s shown from about the waist up, has a glass of champagne in her hand, and is standing in front of a background of fireworks. She’s smiling fondly at something out of frame.

February: In this picture, Clint is standing to the far right of the picture and shooting an arrow across frame. On the opposite side, where his arrow is destined to land, Natasha stood in her onesie. She has the arm of someone just out of frame and is standing like she is trying to pull them into frame.

March: Natasha has Rosie the Riveter’s expression, wardrobe, and pose down to a t. The picture has a frame added around it that says “We Can Do It!” and Natasha’s flexed arm looks impressive.

April: Natasha stands in front of a tree completely naked with a few well placed branches and leaves blocking her chest and groin. She’s grinning widely and a bit mischievously.

May: Timed perfectly, the picture has Wanda glaring at Natasha and shooting two consecutive magic blasts. Natasha is in the middle of a backflip over the first blast and has her lightsaber held in front of her as though she were about to deflect the second one. At the bottom of the picture it said “May the Fourth be with you…”

June: The answer to the question “How much queer can you fit in one picture?” is, simply put, a lot. Natasha, Wanda, and the woman wearing an Ellen mask are in the classic “Charlie’s Angels” pose in front of a backdrop made up of tens of different pride flags. Scattered around them are various queer items, including a Xena box set and a U-Haul trucker hat. 

July: Steve and Natasha are sitting side by side at a table in front of a background bearing a picture of people at a barbeque. Steve is grinning around a mouth full of watermelon and has a huge slice in each hand, and Natasha is sitting next to him holding a sparkler in her right hand and sporting an “over it” look.

August: Clint and Natasha are standing in front of a beach background. Clint is wearing board shorts and has a surfboard under his left arm. Tucked under his right arm is Natasha, who’s wearing a blue bikini. Both of them are laughing and smiling.

September: Natasha is sitting cross legged in an armchair. She is wearing Ugg boots, black leggings, and an oversized maroon sweater. In her right hand is an iPhone she is taking a selfie with, and in her left hand is a Starbucks cup that says “PSL” on it.

October: A close up of Natasha, Liho, and a ghost from the shoulders up. Natasha is wearing wide brimmed black witch’s hat and smirking, the ghost has big eyes drawn in sharpie, and Liho is between them with her mouth open enough to show her teeth.

November: November’s picture only shows Natasha. She is wearing a super extra pink fur coat and wearing sunglasses. Her arms are outstretched like that Jesus statue in Rio-- the only difference being that hers were lined with shopping bags from various stores.

December: The green screen had been changed to Elsa’s ice castle and swirling snowflakes, and Natasha was standing in front of it wearing a tight blue dress and a long braided blonde wig. There was glitter falling from the top of the picture, and Natasha was dramatically throwing more glitter in such a way that it made it look like she was shooting it from her hand.

Bonus: There was a bonus page with miniature calendars of January-June 2019. The picture on the bonus page was a simple group picture of Natasha, Wanda, Clint, and Steve.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Seeing as how Natasha is a wanted criminal, I'm not going to have her have on screen time with non-criminals (she doesn't want to get them in trouble). This rules out meet-ups with people like Tony or time with an identifiable Maria. For as long as Natasha's warrants stand, anyway.


	12. Stark Industries

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Natasha Goes Places She Shouldn't... like to the office of the CEO of Stark Industries.

“Hey guys! NatAttack here. I have one envelope in front of me… and inside it contains one task.” Natasha held an envelope and spoke in her best Tyra voice, but she was unable to keep up the charade and laughed. “Okay, but seriously, I’m sure you’re all dying to see what she’s making me do.”

She opened the envelope, pulled out a single sheet of paper, and read its contents. “You have four hours to get a selfie inside the office of the CEO of Stark Industries. While she’s inside. Without her ever knowing you’re there.” Natasha looked into the camera and smirked as she said “Your time starts now.”

Without saying a word, she walked out of frame. The video skipped forward to Natasha walking back in frame but dressed in an entirely different outfit. She was dressed in head to toe black-- black bike shoes, black leggings, black jacket, black backpack, black scarf, and black ear warmers. The only thing that wasn’t black was her hair, which was tied back in a blonde ponytail. Her jacket had a small logo on it that read “Bike Couriers,” and she had a bicycle helmet in her hand.

“I don’t have a lot of time to kill, but I’ll give you a rundown of my basic plan. Through an… inside source, let’s say… I happen to know that Pepper Potts is expecting a hand delivery from a courier in exactly one hour. And yes, these clothes were already in my closet. This is one of many covers I can do with no warning.”

She smiled at the camera and pulled on gloves. “I’m going to relieve the courier of his package en route.” She winked at the camera. “Wish me luck.”

The next minute or two of the video was Natasha riding around the city. From the angle it looked like a camera was mounted on her handlebars. 

Not that anyone would have doubted it, but when it came to riding a bicycle through a crowded city, Natasha excelled. She effortlessly wove through pedestrians and jumped off of walls or down stairs. She obviously had the city memorized, because she took several obscure alleys that looked like they would have stopped in a dead end but ended up spitting her out onto another busy thoroughfare that would have otherwise taken her five minutes to reach.

And once, when a driver flipped her off and tried to cut her off, Natasha stood up on her pedals and kicked forward. In the bottom right corner of the screen we saw her foot connect with his driver’s side mirror and go flying. 

After riding for who knows how long, Natasha suddenly said “There he is” and a circle appeared on the screen around a young man on a bike a couple of hundred feet in front of her. Riding faster, Natasha rapidly closed the distance, and when she was within arm’s reach we saw her hand reach out and then the screen go black.

Jumping forward, Natasha was riding again, but this time the camera was flipped and showing her face. “My backpack now contains Ms. Potts’s precious cargo and the courier is not going to be a problem.” Looking thoughtful for a moment, she clarified “And don’t worry, he’s not dead.”

Another minute of riding and yelling at incompetent drivers and Natasha was pulling up in front of Stark Industries. Fishing a ball cap out of her backpack, she popped off her helmet and pulled the hat down low over her eyes. She grabbed the camera and did some finagling, and a second later the shaking settled and the camera was affixed to her jacket front.

“Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Stark Industries. Home of the genius and absolute majesty that is Pepper Potts.” Natasha’s voice sounded even though we couldn’t see her face.

She started walking toward the entrance, and when she was a few meters away she fished something out of her jacket breast pocket. “Aha!” Natasha said as she brandished a plastic badge that said the name of the courier company and identified her as an employee. “I’d like to extend a special thank you to Bike Couriers for not including pictures on their identification cards. It will make this entire thing much easier.”

Natasha walked through the doors and up to security, where she was stopped by a guard. “Where’s Randy? He usually makes the noon delivery.” 

“He was on his way, but some dick decided to run him down in their car.” Noticing the guard’s concerned expression, she quickly added “He’s fine! No broken bones or anything from what he said, but he did hit his head pretty hard and they wanted to get him checked out just in case.”

Natasha waved her badge a bit and said “Hence, why I’m here instead of him. I was only a few blocks north of where he got hit and wasn’t on a pending.”

Any ounce of suspicion that had been on the guard’s face vanished and he smiled warmly at Natasha. “Well you be sure to send our best to Randy.” Natasha sweetly replied “I will.”

The guard waved her through and when she was a few steps past he called out “Oh wait, I almost forgot! I didn’t get your name.”

Laughing, Natasha said “It’s Diana.”

Interaction with the guard successfully completed, she walked across the lobby to the south elevator bank. Punching the button for the highest floor, she stepped into the elevator that opened and stood still as she rode it up. In roughly five seconds Natasha was stepping out of the elevator onto the floor of the CEO. “I love fast elevators” she mumbled as she made her way down the hall.

Walking into the antechamber for Pepper’s office, Natasha walked toward the assistant’s desk and stood as she waited for the woman to finish her phone call. When she finished, Helen (according to the name plate on her desk) looked up at Natasha and gaped like a fish for a few moments as she looked at her from head to toe.

Natasha let the silence stretch on as Helen ogled her tight black outfit, but after a minute she cleared her throat. Helen immediately snapped out of it and shook herself back to reality. “I’m terribly sorry, I got distracted by a thought for a moment. I’m sure you know how that is.”

Laughing and speaking in a voice that was just a bit raspier and deeper than her own, Natasha replied “Of course. Nothing to be ashamed of. Though I do have a delivery for Ms. Potts.”

“Right! The delivery.” Helen cleared a few papers from the corner of her desk and patted the now visible wooden surface. “You can put it here.”

Natasha shrugged out of her backpack and removed the package, which was a thick manila folder. Setting it on Helen’s desk, Natasha glanced toward Pepper’s office and then made a show of looking at her watch and sighing. 

“Hey, Helen? I hope this doesn’t sound super awkward or anything-- but can I hang out here and bother you for a little while? It’s just that my next pickup isn’t for an hour and a half and it’s cold outside and I have absolutely nothing to keep me occupied.” Natasha rambled in what was an undeniably adorable way, and Helen's grin grew wider the more she spoke.

“I would be honored, madam courier. You can pop a squat here if you’d like,” Helen gestured to a chair next to her desk and Natasha nodded before finding her way into it.

“So, what’s your name? What happened to the usual guy?” Helen asked in a friendly and mildly flirty way.

“My name is Diana. Randy was hit by a car earlier today. Nothing too major, but he did hit his head and our company is pretty strict about getting stuff like that checked out.”

“Oh my god how awful. I hope he’s okay. Drivers in this city are assholes.”

“You’ve got that right. I’ve been hit a few times but luckily nothing more than a broken bone or two. It’s like this in every city though. For couriers at least.”

Helen subconsciously scooted her chair closer to Natasha’s. “That’s crazy. Why don’t you do something else?”

Natasha laughed and seductively said “Because danger and pain excite me. I live for that shit.”

Helen’s gaze lost focus and she licked her lips. “That’s...really hot.”

Fortunately for Natasha, Pepper chose that moment to burst out of her office and say “Helen, with me!” as she power walked toward the hall. Helen jumped back in her chair and said “Yes, Ms. Potts!” She looked at Natasha wistfully and said “Hopefully Randy is hurt.” 

Realizing how that sounded, she shook her head and backtracked. “Not that I want him to be hurt, of course. I just think you’re really cool and like you better than him. Not that I like you-- I mean, I don’t dislike you or anything!” She hung her head and heaved a sigh. “I’m sorry. It seems I’m incapable of talking today.”

Natasha laughed and reached out a hand to pat Helen’s arm. “Happens to the best of them.” The ‘when they’re around me’ was a silent but implied addition. “Maybe I’ll see you around, but for now I think your boss is waiting.”

As if on cue, Pepper’s voice called loudly from the hall “Helen, let’s go!” Helen gave Natasha one last smile and practically sprinted from the room to catch up to Pepper. 

Alone in the antechamber, Natasha unhooked the camera from her jacket and held it out so we could see her face. “Now, friends, comes the exciting part… We wait for Ms. Potts to return.” Chuckling a bit, Natasha walked into Pepper’s main office and closed the door behind her. 

The next bit of the video skipped around and showed Natasha attempting to occupy herself in Pepper’s office. She went through the filing cabinets and desk drawers, ate some mints from a bowl on Pepper’s desk, and took a few long droughts of a bottle of scotch she found in the back of a bottom desk drawer. 

Natasha grew increasingly bored as time elapsed, and the timer that kept flashing across the video screen made it seem like it took even longer. Finally, after she had been there for over an hour and had just resorted to playing trashketball, Natasha froze as though she heard something.

The sound reached the camera microphone a second later-- it was Pepper’s voice and clicking heels coming down the hall. “Shit.” Natasha quickly scooped up and deposited the evidence of her trashketball game into an already overflowing trash bin and managed to duck into the closet just as Pepper turned the handle to enter her office.

She spoke over her shoulder to Helen and said “I’ll be heading out for lunch in about five, so you can probably start getting your stuff together.” Pepper then walked across her office and dropped her bag on her desk before standing in front of her windows looking out.

When she took out her phone and started looking through it, Natasha took her chance and silently slipped out of the closet. Holding her phone at arm’s length, Natasha got a selfie with Pepper clearly in the background. As Natasha slowly closed the closet door behind her after ducking back in, Pepper turned around and faced the room, making Natasha stop with the door still open a couple of inches. 

Pepper didn’t give any indication of noticing anything different though, and when her phone started ringing she smiled at the caller ID and brought it to her ear. “Maria, sweetheart, are you on your way up?”

“Awesome.”

“Yeah, it went pretty well-- especially for something so last minute. I was a bit late though.”

Pepper laughed. “I’m not _always_ on time, come on now. No, I was late this time because Helen was too busy flirting.” Pepper’s voice was fond, showing that she really harbored no ill will toward her assistant.

“I don’t know. Some courier woman.”

“Yeah, she was pretty hot. Short, blonde, toned, you know the type.”

“How should I know? And why are you so interested in my assistant’s flirtations?” Pepper let out a single chuckle. “We both know you have quite the woman back home, and that she would quite literally kill anyone who so much as dared to-”

Just then the door banged open and Maria Hill strode into Pepper’s office holding a phone to her ear. Dropping her hand and hitting end call, Maria interrupted whatever Pepper had been about to say. “Yes, yes, I know. I just wanted to make sure some imposter courier didn’t break into your office and steal Stark intel or anything.”

Pepper rolled her eyes and said “SHIELD made you paranoid, sweetie.”

Maria’s eyes roved the room for a few seconds, lingering on the trashcan and ending on the closet. Smirking and rolling her eyes, she turned back to Pepper. “Maybe, but it also made me the best. And, in my expert opinion, you need a better security system.”

This argument had apparently been hashed out dozens of times before, because Pepper dramatically sighed and said “Whatever.”

Laughing and dropping the subject, Maria said “Anyway, now that we’ve established that I’m a paranoid nut and have an incredible girlfriend I would never step out on, ready for lunch?”

Pepper grabbed her bag and crossed the room to Maria. “Ugh, yes. I’m famished.”

Maria let Pepper walk out first as she turned to stare at the closet. She stared at it for long enough to leave little doubt that it was what she was staring at, but in the end she just smirked and walked out of the room. 

Pepper’s voice sounded from the antechamber and said “Helen, take an hour.”

After waiting in the closet for another minute, Natasha pushed open the door and stepped out. “I feel like I should be making some sort of ‘coming out of the closet joke,’ but I’ve got nothing. Sorry guys.”

“Getting out will be the easy part, so I’m going to go ahead and put you away for now. I’ll do my full sign out when I get home, but for now I would just like to extend my thanks to Maria Hill for her accidentally impeccable timing.” She smirked into the camera and said “Always knew I could count on you, boss.”

“Alright! That was fun. Well, I had fun, not sure if you had fun watching it or not. Let my girlfriend know what you thought in the comments, or just thank her for essentially bringing you another edition of Natasha Goes Places She Shouldn’t.”

Natasha backed away from the camera, revealing another fan shirt from Etsy. This one said “We’re all Haley the barista at <3”

“If you want this shirt, there will be a link in the description to the seller’s page. But other than that, I think this is all I have for you right now. NatAttack out.”

_NathanRuffian: how does she deal with women falling apart over her all the time? serious question._

_ScaffoldedSkeleton: Hell, how do YOU deal with women falling apart over her all the time?_

_NatAttack: @NathanRuffian @ScaffoldedSkeleton She usually loves it, but it can get a bit tiring sometimes. When that happens she just lays low for a while-- until she needs the attention again haha. As for me? I recognize that it’s not her fault. As long as she knows that she belongs to me at the end of the day and is honest with me about everything, I actually think it’s kind of hot._

_Curios: PLEASE do a Q &A. Like a live thing where Natasha answers questions as we post them. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE._

_NatAttack: @Curios We’ll see._

_bikelikemad: Damn dude, those bike skills are dope. BMX collab sometime?_

_NatAttack: @bikelikemad Again, she’s a wanted criminal. I’m sure after her warrants are dropped she would be more than happy to kick your ass._

_queerbating: Correct me if I’m wrong-- but Maria Hill totally knew Natasha was in that closet, right?_

_NatAttack: @queerbating I’m sure Director Hill can’t publicly confirm the validity of such a statement, BUT knowing her like I do, I think it’s highly unlikely that she didn’t at least suspect._

_LawsonDawson: @NatAttack How do you know Maria Hill? Why did you call her Director? You totally worked at SHIELD then, right?_

_techtropes: Lol @ Pepper being the “genius and absolute majesty” found at Stark Industries._

_NatAttack: @techtropes It’s the truth._

_frozenfantasy: Is she wearing her Elsa wig? Lol._

_bgreipiub: OMG Pepper totally thinks Natasha is hot. Is every woman associated with the Avengers queer?_

_Clexa45: @bgreipiub And Maria! Pepper said Maria has a girlfriend._

_FlowerChyld: @bgreipiub Okay, headcount: Wanda, Natasha, Maria, Pepper (unconfirmed)... who else?_

_ImNotStraight: @bgreipiub I ship them all._

_NatLover55: Thank for bringing back Natasha Goes Places She Shouldn’t! I’ve been missing it._

_NatAttack: @NatLover55 Haha, me too._

_tattedgoddess: I still think you should make her get a tattoo._

_NatAttack: @tattedgoddess Hmm, of what?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm going to do a Q&A for Natasha, and am definitely taking question ideas. Some light hearted, some heavy. 
> 
> I also still need one-two more overall ideas for this whole "Seven Days of Maria" thing (as my Google doc is titled).


	13. Q&A

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Natasha and Maria take their annual Christmas Eve hike and decide to do a live Q&A at the top of the mountain.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ***Trigger warning*** for mentions of child murder and rape (a few of the questions stray into Red Room territory). It's not for very long and it's not graphic, but if it will bother you please don't read.

An Instagram post early Sunday morning told everyone what the video that day was going to be. It was a picture of Natasha sitting on the edge of a bed and lacing up hiking boots. She was looking at the camera and smiling softly, and she wasn’t wearing any makeup.

The caption was “This beautiful creature and I are taking our annual Christmas Eve hike today. It’s something we’ve enjoyed together for several years, and this year we’re going to share it with you. We should reach the summit just before noon, and Natasha will begin an hour long live Q&A promptly at 1200. Post your questions on the YT video starting then.”

1200, 24DEC

“Hey guys! NatAttack here.” Natasha was sitting cross legged on the top of a cliff. Behind her we could see a huge number of trees and distant mountains lining the horizon. She was holding a tablet in her hands and looking at the screen.

“I see that a lot of you are already sending in your questions, so I’m just going to go ahead and get started.” She brushed her hair out of her face and started the Q&A.

“Question number one is: Who is your girlfriend?”

Natasha laughed and said “Look, no question is off limits, but there are obviously ones I’m not going to answer fully. This is one of them.” She glanced to the side for a second and then nodded.

“But, in the spirit of Christmas, I’ll go ahead and confirm one of the rumors I’ve seen floating around. Yes, my girlfriend was in SHIELD. And yes, she is insanely badass and has one of the best field records of any agent in SHIELD’s history.” Natasha smirked before adding “Not as good as mine, of course, but still good.” A person off camera snorted.

“Question two. Did you meet on a mission then?”

“Our meeting was… unconventional, I guess you could say. She was actually part of the team that greeted me when I first arrived at SHIELD. When I popped my restraints to shake Director Hill’s hand, my girlfriend was actually the one who managed to calm everyone down and get the twenty red dots trained on my chest to go away.” Both Natasha and the woman off camera laughed. “Sometimes I think she regrets not letting them shoot me.”

“Next question. You two are total couple goals,” Natasha’s face fell as she kept reading, “when are you going to have kids? Haha, could you imagine a mini Natasha running around?” By the time she finished reading Natasha’s body had stiffened and her face had become a mask.

The woman off camera whispered “Fuck,” and then, when a few seconds had passed and Natasha still hadn’t moved, started talking for the first time ever. She kept her voice pitched low, gravelly, and quiet as she said “Natasha, love, you’re not there. You’re on top of a mountain with a woman who loves you more than anything in the world and millions of fans who adore you despite your flaws and your past.”

As she spoke, Natasha visibly relaxed and blinked away the tears that had started to form. “You don’t have to answer that question, Nat. We can move on to the next one. I’m sure your fans can take up a different line of questioning. They can see you and they don’t want to hurt you.”

The mention of her fans watching her was enough for Natasha to look up in panic. “Shit, they can hear you talking. God dammit, why can’t I keep my shit together? I’m acting like a child.”

The woman off camera heaved a dramatic sigh and quietly and deeply said “No, you’re not. You’ve been through more than anyone, Natasha. Answer it if you want to, don’t if you don’t. Nobody will think worse of you for it.”

Natasha nodded and said “Yeah, just… give me a minute.” She dropped her head in her hands and breathed deeply for about 45 seconds. Still with her head in her hands, she started speaking.

“In the Red Room, where I was trained… where I was raised, we have a graduation ceremony.” She took another steadying breath and looked up. Locking eyes with something off screen, she nodded once and sat up a bit straighter.

“By the time a girl meets the graduation… prerequisites, if you will, she is one of the most deadly humans on the planet. No matter her age. They needed an insurance policy though-- a way to make certain that nothing would ever matter more than a mission or a job. So they-”

Her voice faltered for a second before continuing. “They sterilize us. The only thing that could ever potentially matter more than a job would no longer be a possibility. It makes everything easier, even killing.”

“As the earliest graduate in the Red Room’s history, I was sterilized when I was 11. I can’t have children, and after the life I’ve led and what I’ve seen of this world, I couldn’t be a mother anyway. Monsters shouldn’t be mothers.” Her voice strayed into the bitter territory on her final sentence, and the woman off screen made a noise of displeasure.

Natasha rolled right on, though, and said “Alright, next question. How do you graduate the Red Room?” She sighed and said “Of course you want to know that. Look, I’ll tell you, but I’m warning you now that it’s not pretty. So, you know, turn this stream off if you don’t want to hear it.”

She paused for about five seconds and then continued. “Red Room graduation happens after you’ve successfully passed a series of mental and physical exams. You are allowed to sit for those exams when you’re the last one left in your grade year.”

“And since I’m sure this question is coming, you become the last one by killing the other girls. I took my first life when I was 5. Next question.”

“Why would they sterilize you at 11 though? It’s not like you were having sex.”

Natasha’s face had resumed its mask by this point and she was answering bluntly and without emotion. “We start having sex at five. Practical lessons-- we need to be the best at everything, including fucking. Next question.” Her answers were coming rapid fire now.

“How did you all not mentally break?” Natasha let out a mirthless laugh. “Only the breakable ones broke. I was made of marble. Next question.” 

“Stop.” A woman’s voice sounded loudly and clearly. Natasha ignored her and started reading the next one. “How many girls did you kill? Hell, how many people have you killed?”

Before she started to give her answer, the woman shouted “Stop! God dammit Natasha, I said stop.” A hooded figure moved into frame and blocked Natasha from view. She kneeled in front of Natasha and mumbled to her, and after a few minutes Natasha jumped forward and wrapped her in a hug.

They sat for a minute in silence until Natasha tapped her on the back and sat up. The woman nodded, gave her a lingering kiss, and walked backward out of frame. Natasha wiped the tears from her face and smiled sadly at the camera.

“So it turns out I’m not really comfortable enough with my traumatic upbringing to share it with millions of people without getting emotional.” She chuckled wryly. “Who would’ve thought?”

“Since it’s almost Christmas and I’m not trying to spend the next week in shitty flashbacks, I’m going to ask that you keep your questions to the time after I joined SHIELD. And with that in mind, let’s keep going.”

She looked down at her tablet and said “Oh, here’s a good one. Tell us about your relationship with Wanda.”

“Wanda… Where do I even start with that kid? Wanda is like me in so many ways, but so much better in others. She had a hard upbringing, is an immigrant to this country, and lost the only family she ever had.” Natasha sighed. “But she’s beautiful and kind and funny despite it all. Looking at Wanda is like looking in a mirror that reflects back who you want to be instead of who you are. I would kill for her, and I would die for her. Even if she is a brat sometimes.”

Natasha clapped her hands and said “Enough sentimental crap, next question. Did you introduce Wanda and Haley the barista?”

“Oh my god guys, what kind of pseudo older sister do you take me for? Of course I put them in contact with each other. Next question.”

“Favorite drink?” She arched an eyebrow at the camera and said “Look, I know I’m supposed to like vodka or whatever since I’m Russian, but honestly I _really_ like tequila.” The other woman laughed and Natasha fake glared at her. 

“I have made some very questionable choices while drinking tequila, but I think it’s all worth it in the end. Alright, next question.”

“What’s your sign? Scorpio, but come on guys, you could’ve just googled that. Ask me things google doesn’t know about me.”

The next many minutes passed by in a blur of small questions, including “What’s your favorite swear word?,” “Where did you learn to make paprikash?,” “Do you have any allergies?,” and “Favorite item of clothing?” (to which the answers were, in order: fuck, I can cook anything, I’m literally genetically altered so no I don’t have any fucking allergies, and black leather jacket). 

After answering a series of questions that essentially had her listing her impressive skills, Natasha got to one she found very funny. “Are you actually capable of being bad at something?” 

Both women laughed in response to that question, and Natasha started answering. “Growing up I was incredible at essentially everything, and the same translates to my adult life. If I had to name one weakness though it would have to be my crippling inability to understand most examples of genuine human emotion.” She smirked and said “But, you know, that’s a pretty small one.”

“Ooh here’s a good one. Who asked who out and who kissed who first?”

“Buckle up, folks, I’m about to regale you with the history of our relationship. The moment she stopped them from shooting me I decided that I needed to have her. I flirted with her endlessly for months during my reprogramming, and yet she resisted my advances at every turn.”

Natasha smirked again and said “I thought maybe she was just _super_ straight, not that I had ever had a problem bedding straight women before, but hey-- first time for everything right?” The woman off camera laughed loudly at that and Natasha rolled her eyes at her.

“Yeah, yeah. Little did I know that she was actually super _gay_ and was barely holding on to her resistance. Because in her eyes it would have been improper for her to do anything not professional with me until I finished my reprogramming and was placed in special duty. The first because it meant I was considered mentally stable and the second because those in special duty fall outside of the traditional command structure-- meaning she wouldn’t technically be in my chain of command.”

She sighed deeply and said “But of course she never said any of this to me, and so six months after first meeting her I decided that she just somehow wasn’t into me. Then the day came where psych declared me stable and I was placed on special duty, and she invited me to her quarters to celebrate.”

“I accepted, but I was freaking the fuck out the entire way there. Because I knew how to seduce, but I didn’t know how to be someone’s friend. And I _especially_ didn’t know how to be the friend of someone I had a major crush on. It was like the plot of a shitty American rom com.”

Natasha looked to the left of the camera and smirked. “It turned out I didn’t have anything to worry about though, because as soon as the door was shut to her quarters she very bluntly said “I want to fuck you, would that be alright?” And, of course, I said yes. So to answer the question of who kissed who first, I think it depends on how you look at it. I flirted first, but she definitely initiated that first encounter.” 

“Our first date was, what, three months later?” Natasha looked off screen for confirmation and nodded when she received it. “Yeah. We fucked for three months without making any sort of formal agreement, but when another agent very lewdly propositioned me when she was in the room, she went a bit crazy.”

The person off camera made a noise of protest and Natasha raised her eyebrows in her direction. “You’re telling me that you don’t consider sending a junior agent to the hospital and telling everyone in the cafeteria not to lay a hand on your property, i.e. _me_ , wasn’t going a bit crazy?”

Natasha paused for a few beats while she had a silent conversation with the off camera figure and then said “Uh huh, I thought so.” Turning back to the camera, she continued her story. “When she publicly claimed me as hers it set off a series of events that I don’t have time to get into right now, but TL;DR, we officially started dating and I moved into the quarters adjacent to hers. Though I ended up being in hers nearly every night.”

“It hasn’t all been easy, but we’ve made it work.” Natasha took a pause and then said “I love her. And that’s all that matters at the end of the day.”

“Okay okay, enough mush for right now. We have time for one more question, so you’d better make it good.” She watched her tablet for a minute before her eyes lit up when she saw the question she wanted to read. “This is actually something I’ve been meaning to address. The question is, are you aware of the movement to get your warrants dropped? There have been protests and petitions, and the Senate is set to discuss the topic next week. Just wanted to know your thoughts.”

She looked up at the camera. “I am aware of what’s going on, yes, and I am extremely grateful to all of you for what you’re doing. Especially NatLover46 for setting up the website and getting everything organized. I can’t show myself being involved in the movement though, as much as I want to. If you’re taking direction from or interacting with a criminal they’ll use it to delegitimize the entire movement.”

“So know that I support you and that I am closely watching and following everything going on. I desperately want to be able to make better content and do collabs and in person tutorials, and I also really want to finally show all of you who the most amazing woman in the world is.” She smiled and winked at the figure off screen. 

“I love all of you, and I want to thank you for what you’re doing-- and not only in regard to the getting my warrants dropped thing. You all know that I’ve done some truly terrible things, and yet you’re willing to see me as who I am today and not just who I once was. I never thought I would see the day when the public did anything other than despise me.”

“So once again, thank you. But now if you’ll excuse me, I have a mountain to walk down.” She smiled warmly at the camera. “NatAttack out.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is no comments section for this one because they disabled the comments after the stream ended. I'm probably going to do 1-2 more Maria controlled chapters and then switch back to my normal. The issues of Natasha's warrants will begin to be addressed in more detail soon, I promise. 
> 
> I hope all of you who celebrate Christmas have a good one tomorrow.


	14. Aftermath

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Q&A left Natasha with a few things to work through.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter wasn’t originally going to happen, but I just felt like Natasha might have needed a bit of time to heal after the Q&A. It also afforded me an opportunity to explore her mind a bit more, which is something I enjoy doing. 
> 
> With that in mind, **trigger warning** for mentions of past suicidal ideation.

Instagram post on Christmas Day:

A black background with the words “NatAttack will return in 3 days.”

The caption was: A few things resurfaced after the Q&A and I’m using my newfound creative control to force her to take a break. She’s nowhere near her worst, but I’ve known her for long enough to recognize the signs and taking time off right now is a necessary preventative measure. She wants to stress that none of this is your fault, and, I quote, ‘They’re all perfect, I’m just fucked up. I’ll see them in a few days.’

_obscura.bage: Oh my god I know she said it’s not our fault but I feel so bad._

_cuttyatlas: Take as much time as you need, Natasha. Your fans will always stand by you-- whether we get regular content updates or not._

_iopiopiop: Is there anything we can do?_

_jugular: This is so incredibly raw and honest. Too many people refuse to acknowledge the importance of mental health, and having someone with as huge of a platform as Natasha will help so many people._

_mentalhealthawareness: Along that same thread, if this holiday season is leaving anyone feeling distraught or in pain, remember that you are not alone. And if you really feel like you have no way out, the suicide prevention hotline is 1-800-273-8255. Totally free and confidential-- they can offer amazing support._

_coding_genius: Mystery girlfriend, whoever you are, thank you for being in her life and taking care of her. I hope she knows how lucky she is._

_NatAttack: @coding_genius I’m the lucky one._

\---

YouTube video three days later:

“Hey guys, NatAttack here.” Natasha was sitting cross legged on a chair in front of her usual recording space. She was dressed for comfort in cardigan and pair of joggers and looked a little tired but otherwise good.

“So I think a bit of an explanation is in order.” She sighed and offered a weary smile. “After the Q&A especially I think you all understand that I had a very tough upbringing and have done some things that I’m not proud of. Something I’ve never really addressed though is the long lasting effect that has had on me.”

“As a child I was the best. I did not hesitate to do what I was told to do, and for years I was able to push all thoughts of morality away. Over time, though, it became too much. The red in my ledger overwhelmed me, and I got to a point where I didn’t want to live.”

Natasha paused to take a breath and looked back at the camera. “So I baited SHIELD. I made sure I got on their radar in a bad way, and I made sure they knew where to find me. I was too much of a coward to kill myself, and knew they would jump on the opportunity to do it for me.” 

A person off camera blew out a shaky breath and Natasha looked in their direction with a concerned expression. Whatever she saw must have concerned her even more, because she got up from her chair and walked out of frame.

The video then jumped forward to Natasha once again sitting in the chair. “She was one of the ones on the committee that decided to take me out, so it’s always a bit hard for her to hear me talking about that mission and what almost happened.”

“ _Almost_ happened, because SHIELD fucked up and sent the marksman with a heart. I knew he was there-- I mean, he’s terrible at stealth-- but I didn’t do anything. I just waited for him to take the shot.”

She smiled widely at the camera and said “But he didn’t. Clint made another call. He offered me a way out-- a way to wipe some of the red out of my ledger. And I said yes.”

“As anyone with trauma will tell you, though, things don’t just miraculously go away. I may not have been killing and torturing and seducing for Mother Russia anymore, but sometimes I still felt like I was.”

“I would wake up in the middle of the night hearing their screams, or be thrown into a flashback when I drove by a school or saw someone who looked like Madame B. I used to go up to the roof and just sit on the edge, knowing that all I had to do to make it stop was lean forward. Just lean forward and the pain would all go away…” She trailed off and looked at her hands in her lap.

“But I couldn’t. Because of her.” Natasha looked back up and made eye contact with her girlfriend off screen. “Because she believed in me. Because she knew everything I had done and was still willing to send an agent to the hospital because they had the audacity to crudely proposition me.”

Natasha chuckled a litte. “Did I get better immediately? No. But knowing she was there for me was enough to pull me back from that ledge. And when Hydra came out of hiding and SHIELD fell, and everything I knew fell apart, she was there to recenter me. She was my anchor.”

“Sometimes I still wake up in a panic because my wrist isn’t shackled to my bed like it was in the Red Room. Sometimes I think I’m Natalia and attack the people around me. Sometimes I feel like I can’t breathe from the weight of my past sins crushing me… but I always beat it.”

Natasha’s eyes shone with unshed tears. “So thank you for giving me the space I needed over the past few days. I wish I could promise that it will be the last time, but I can’t. I can promise, however, that I will do my best to take care of myself so that I’ll be with you guys for some time to come.”

“Seeing as how the rest of her week was taken up by taking care of me, I told my girlfriend that she can give me one task to do this week. That video will be up in a day or two.”

“Once again, thank you for understanding, and I’ll be back on form very soon. NatAttack out.”

_zyxwvut: I have so much respect for you. How anyone thinks that you should stay a criminal is beyond me._

_BillRyeTheBreadGuy: You know, I always used to think you and Clint were a thing since you were so close, which is why I was a bit surprised to hear that he has a wife and you have a girlfriend. It all makes so much sense now though. He saved your life and introduced you to the woman who would save your heart-- it’s no wonder you two are so close._

_NatAttack: @BillRyeTheBreadGuy Yes, he is the reason I’m still here, but let’s not let it go to his head. He’s still BirdBoy underneath it all._

_rosie: I want to personally destroy every single person responsible for the pain you feel._

_xxxLillyxxx: I’m happy to see you doing better, and am glad that you seem to have such a strong support network._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Give me a day or two to write it, but next up Natasha is going to Capitol Hill to watch them debate her fate. I haven’t decided for sure yet, but Maria will probably be questioned during that time (in the capacity of former SHIELD director).
> 
> After that I’m doing a totally lighthearted chapter or two with some of the other Avengers-- I don’t know about you, but I need something less heavy.


	15. Capitol Hill

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Natasha watches as members of Congress debate her fate.

“Hey guys! NatAttack here.” Natasha was casually leaning against her kitchen counter and wearing a black leather jacket and black skinny jeans. “I’ve been informed by my lovely girlfriend that today is the day of her final task for me. So, without further ado, let’s see what I’m doing.”

A hand entered from the bottom of the screen holding an envelope and Natasha leaned forward to grab it. Smiling, Natasha opened the envelope and pulled out a single sheet of paper and started reading.

“Several people, including our esteemed Director Hill, will be questioned on Capitol Hill today about you. Go watch.” Natasha looked up and smirked at the camera. “Well you know me, I never pass up an opportunity to visit my friends in Congress. And besides, a chance to watch Director Hill run over those idiots?”

Natasha got a bit of a mischievous glint in her eye and added “I’m sorry, _former_ Director Hill.” Someone off screen made an angry noise of protest and Natasha laughed. “I’ll see you guys in a bit.”

The video jumped forward to Natasha climbing out of a taxi a block from the Capitol Building. The camera angle glanced down at her body and we saw that she was wearing a suit and carrying a briefcase.

“The camera is in my glasses-- I’m totally Clark Kenting this again. I have aide credentials so getting in will be a breeze.” The camera looked back up and we watched as Natasha walked down the crowded DC sidewalk. 

As she drew closer to her destination she started humming a familiar tune, and before long she was quietly singing it. “I’m just a bill, yes I’m only a bill….”

When she got to “it’s a long, long journey to the capital city” she abruptly stopped and said “Damn it Clint!”

As she approached the entrance she mumbled “When I first joined SHIELD Clint took it upon himself to educate me on all things American, which included those idiotic Schoolhouse Rock videos. For hours. And hours. I fucking hate him.”

“Hey, how are you doing today?” Natasha cheerily greeted the grumpy security officer, who just grunted in response and waved her through. 

“Oookay then.” Natasha said to herself as she moved past the security checkpoint and further into the building. “I’ve been here a time or two, so the layout is familiar. I also have a bit of an inside source and know exactly where this shindig is going down.”

She boarded an empty elevator and hit the button for the fifth floor. “Did I just use shindig in a sentence? Fucking hell, Barton.”

The elevator stopped on the third floor and a well known Senator and one of his aides got in, forcing Natasha to stop talking to herself. The Senator openly leered at Natasha as they rode the remaining two floors, and when the elevator stopped on the fifth floor the Senator waved his aide out first and then moved to block Natasha in.

He reached out and grabbed her badge, which was pinned to her lapel, and read it. “Ah, one of Senator Kwan’s aides? You must be pretty new, I’m sure I wouldn’t have missed someone as…” he took her in from head to toe “mouthwatering as you.”

Natasha, her voice dangerously cool, replied “This is my first week. And I would very much appreciate it if you remove yourself from my path, Senator Allen. Or else you may not like what happens.”

In response he moved closer and looked a bit angry as he said “Now I don’t know where that attitude is coming from, little girl, but it certainly isn’t a good way to advance your career. Now, I can be a real jerk and report you for your insubordinate behavior, or I can let you try to make a better impression. What do you say? Dinner?” He moved even closer and reached his hand down like he was trying to grab her ass and said “And then breakfast?”

In a lightning fast move, Natasha flipped their positions and had him against the wall with her knee in his groin. “How about I make you a counter offer, Senator.” Natasha pulled her phone out of her pocket and showed him the screen, which clearly indicated that she had been recording their entire exchange. 

“You see, I know better than to walk around a building with even one member of Congress in it without some kind of insurance. I have every word you just said to me recorded, and if you don’t want me to send it to every major news outlet in the country, well, you’ll listen to me very carefully.”

She put more pressure on his groin and laughed when he let out a high pitched squeak of pain. “I’m going to leave this elevator and continue on to my brief. You’re going to ride it to the ground floor and back up while thinking about what you just did. Then, and here’s the most important part, you’re going to keep your fucking hands to yourself and stop accosting women who clearly don’t want you. Make sense?”

He glared at her and said “You’re fucking insane if you think I’d allow myself to be threatened by some bitch like you.”

Natasha made a _tsk tsk_ sound and shook her phone again. “Recording, Senator.” With that she walked out of the elevator, which was being held open by the Senator’s aide, and walked down the hall. 

The video then jumped forward to Natasha sitting in a small, empty balcony overlooking the room where they were preparing to discuss her. “There are very few people in this building who even know how to get to this balcony-- it’s one of those hidden features. I’m using it to my benefit today to be able to watch them and talk to you at the same time.”

The video then jumped forward some more and we watched over the balcony edge as the Director of the FBI walked down the aisle and took his seat in front of the panel questioning him. 

“Director, thank you for joining us today.”

“Of course.”

The man in the middle of the panel looked left and right at his cohorts and said “If it’s alright with everyone, we’ll go ahead and get started.”

Being met with only nods, he started speaking. “We are all here today to address the growing issue that is Natasha Romanoff, also known as the Black Widow. We will be questioning Director James of the FBI and former Director Hill of SHIELD,” (Natasha giggled when he said “former”), “and then we will open the floor for debate.”

“To begin, Director James, please give us your assessment of the threats posed by Natasha Romanoff.” 

“Outlining every threat posed by Ms. Romanoff would take much longer than any of us is willing to spend here today, Senator.” Director James leaned back in his chair and gave a tired sigh. “She is an expert in essentially everything and has demonstrated a continual disregard for laws and regulations.”

“Damn bro, tell me how you really feel” was Natasha’s response.

“Yes, perhaps that was too broad a question. Allow me to start smaller-- what are the charges currently levied against her?”

“Since you all decided not to charge her after the fall of SHIELD when she laid waste to our intelligence apparatus, all of her current charges stem from her involvement in the so called superhero Civil War. She participated in highly illegal, highly dangerous, vigilante activity on US soil.”

Natasha sat for a few minutes listening to them discuss her various attributes. She threw in a few comments here and there but seemed thoroughly uninterested until they brought up the subject of her visit to the FBI headquarters.

“Director James, can you speak on how Agent Romanoff was able to gain access to your private office?”

The Director shook his head angrily and said “We fixed the security flaws she managed to exploit and have temporarily suspended our agent-public interface program while our agents undergo more training. It will remain a dark spot on our record for some time to come, but I also think it goes to show her true instability and threat.”

“Oh come on, he’s just embarrassed I beat his precious agency.”

One of the members of the panel asked the next question. “Director, correct me if I’m wrong, but she didn’t actually… do anything while there, did she? I mean in terms of acquiring or releasing secret data or otherwise harming the security of our nation?”

The Director looked flustered and spluttered out “Well, no, but-”

“And she kept all of the parts that would help others gain access to your building out of her video, correct?”

“Well, she did take out some parts, but several things were still seen-”

“And to your knowledge, since the time of the superhero Civil War-- which was a fairly isolated incident and didn’t cause any sort of mass casualty or destruction-- has she done anything to compromise the security of this nation?”

The Director slapped his hand against the table and said “Of course she has! She continually breaks into secure places and taunts us through her YouTube channel and other social media accounts.”

“But she always leaves out pertinent information that would help others do what she has done, does she not?”

“That’s hardly the point” Director James sputtered.

The young Senator who had pursued this line of questioning raised his eyebrows and said “I think it’s exactly the point, Director. But no matter, my personal opinions can be tabled for a later time. All I’m asking you is-- has Agent Romanoff done anything to compromise our national security, or further violate the terms of the Accords, since the superhero Civil War?”

“Well-”

“Yes or no, Director James.”

Director James angrily huffed but ended up saying “No.”

As a Senator who was a bit less sympathetic to Natasha took up a new line of questioning, Natasha zoomed in on the one who had just defended her. “Senator Kwan, that was awesome. Now I kind of feel bad for impersonating one of your aides. Hopefully you won’t mind too much.”

Less than a minute later they were dismissing Director James. A few moments after he left the room, Maria Hill walked in and down the aisle. She was wearing a steel grey suit, heels, and her hair was pulled back into a tight bun. 

Natasha let out a low whistle and said “Ladies and gentlemen, I present you with Maria Hill. Time to watch the master at work.”

Maria was sworn in and then took her seat, which she sat in like a throne.

“Director Hill, are you aware of why we called you here today?”

“To gossip about Agent Romanoff, right?”

“Director Hill, please be serious.”

“Alright. To ask for my opinion, as the Director of SHIELD, on one of my agents, named Natasha Romanoff.” Maria said that all with an overly formal air and a serious face. 

“Thank you, and you are exactly correct. Ms. Romanoff-”

“Agent.” Maria interrupted the Senator. 

“Excuse me?”

“Agent Romanoff, not Ms. Romanoff. You may not like her, but she earned her title just as I earned mine.”

The Senator looked like he was going to argue but decided against it at the last second and simply rolled his eyes and continued. “Agent Romanoff, then, has been gaining a lot of public attention in recent weeks and this committee has been tasked with determining the feasibility of dropping her warrants.”

“My first question for you, Director, is about Agent Romanoff’s time in SHIELD. Would you describe her as someone who follows orders?”

Maria smirked and said “She has always followed mine, Senator.”

Natasha laughed from her perch on the balcony and said “You wish, Hill.”

“Why, then, has she been unable to follow the orders of the US government?”

“I’m going to take this question in a few parts if that’s alright with you, Senator.” Without waiting for a response Maria continued. “The first thing I would like to address is that Agent Romanoff has not actually participated in any unsanctioned superhero activity since she switched sides during the Civil War, meaning that she hasn’t really been disobeying orders.”

Senator Allen, who had been largely silent until now, interrupted her and said “Are you in touch with Ms. Romanoff? Because there’s no way of knowing that if you’re not maintaining contact with her.”

Maria dramatically sighed and said “My contact or lack thereof with _Agent_ Romanoff is of no consequence to this discussion, Senator. All anyone has to do to see her activity is follow her on social media and watch her YouTube channel. I think you’ll find that the only contact she has with her superhero friends is to do things like create self defense videos to help the public or go ice skating for fun. Would you call that vigilante activity, Senator?”

Once again not waiting for a response, Maria continued on. “Now, back to the original question. The second thing I thought I should point out is that every order she disobeyed from the US government from before is because the order has been extremely stupid.”

“Director, please! This is a place for fact, not opinion.”

Maria snorted. “Of course, Senator. The _fact_ is that when it comes to important matters, Agent Romanoff always does what is right-- whether the higher authority sees it that way or not. Which you should be thankful for, because otherwise you would have a very deadly Hydra agent on your hands.”

“Boom, bitch. Hill does not fuck around.” Natasha laughed.

Senator Allen chimed back in, seemingly angry at Maria for shutting him down earlier. “I appreciate whatever sentimental tie you have to your former agent, Director Hill, but I hardly see how your statement has any basis in fact. We’ve all seen Ms. Romanoff’s record, and the atrocities she has committed in her life are too great to fathom. How can you claim someone like that has any sort of refined sense of morality?”

Maria’s face turned cold and she said “Mr. Allen, one of the reasons you called me-”

“Senator Allen, Director. Please remain respectful.”

“Forgive me, Senator. I assumed by your continued refusal to refer to her as Agent Romanoff you were making some sort of bold statement that we were all above such formalities. But of course, you were just being rude. My mistake.”

The man in the middle of the panel sighed and said “Back on track please, Director Hill.”

“Right you are, Senator Milton. Where was I? Ah, yes. One of the reasons you called me here before you is because I have years of personal experience with Agent Romanoff. I can tell you the kind of person she is beyond what’s written on paper. If you don’t want to believe me that’s your prerogative, but I will answer your questions based on my experience-- not based on a piece of paper or what you want to hear.”

“Then what, pray tell, is Agent Romanoff like in real life?”

Maria sighed and steepled her fingers. “Agent Romanoff has been through more trauma than you could possibly comprehend, Senator Allen. And yet instead of break her it has made her stronger. She is the kind of person who would die for a friend or a loved one in a heartbeat, and she would never do anything to betray or endanger this country. Is she dangerous? Yes. Should you be scared of her? Hell yes. But should she be a criminal? No.”

Senator Milton leaned forward then and spoke to Maria. “Director Hill, I appreciate your honest assessment. The question unfortunately remains, however, what function could Agent Romanoff ever have in society? You said it yourself, she is dangerous-- there’s no way around it. How can we in good conscience allow someone so dangerous to walk around as a free woman?”

“Just because she has the ability to do harm doesn’t mean she is going to. Take Tony Stark, for example. He possesses technology capable of levelling the entire US government and armed forces, and yet you allow him to keep it to himself and walk around a free man. Or Thor. A literal god from another world is welcomed with open arms every time he decides to land in some field in the middle of nowhere. Or Vision. A synthetic android with an unlimited and undefined power source in the middle of his forehead. Or countless other enhanced individuals who are no less dangerous than Agent Romanoff.”

Maria stood up from her chair and swept her gaze across the assembled Senators. “I think you should be honest with yourselves, Senators. You don’t want to drop her warrants because she scares you, and because she embarrassed you. There is no logical reason to keep her in a criminal state, and besides, don’t you think having someone like that on your side would be a lot better than having them against you?”

She turned to leave and Senator Milton called out “Director Hill, wait! We weren’t done questioning you.”

She arched one eyebrow in an expression very reminiscent of Natasha and said “You just ruined my perfect exit line, Senator… But yes, I think you are done. Have a good day, and call me when you’re ready to admit that Natasha is no more a criminal than you any of you are.”

Maria clicked back up the aisle and Natasha mumbled nearly inaudibly “Hate to see her go, love to watch her leave…” Then, a bit louder, “That, my dear followers, is what a leader looks like. God damn I love to watch her work.”

Once Maria had cleared the room the Senators started arguing amongst themselves. 

“We can’t seriously be considering pardoning her, can we?”

“I hardly see how we can consider not pardoning her. You heard the directors-- Agent Romanoff has not been hurting anyone since the events during the Civil War, and her actions during the Civil War were isolated and only impacted other supers. I don’t see how she’s still wanted as a criminal.”

“Oh I don’t know… maybe because she continually breaks the law and _taunts_ us over social media.”

“But she’s not hurting anyone, and let’s not forget that she also uses her social media accounts to help people.”

“Help people? Where the hell did you get that from?”

“Oh I don’t know-- maybe her self defense tutorials, her openness about her sexuality and message of acceptance, or her honest portrayal of mental health issues? Have you actually watched her content?”

The video went on for another few minutes as the Senators debated her merits, with what seemed like a pretty even 50/50 split over who supported what side of the argument. Finally, Senator Kwan said “I would like to move for a full pardon.”

Senator Allen yelled “Are you kidding me?!” in response and a new wave of arguments broke out. Senator Milton finally calmed everyone down enough to say “We’re going to table this discussion until next week. Everyone think about what went on today and come back a bit more civil for the next meeting. We _will_ be voting next time, no matter what.”

As the Senators all rose and made their way out of the room, Natasha said “Well that happened.”

Skipping forward to Natasha sitting in her recording spot, she said “I think that was a very informative task, don’t you? Make sure to, you know, call your Senators and what not to encourage them to vote in my favor next week.”

“Unless you have Senator Allen, in which case tell him to go fuck himself and push for his removal from public office. I’m leaving in the entire elevator incident so everyone can see what kind of man he is.”

Natasha smiled a bit at the camera and said “I have two fun videos planned for you between now and the vote, so standby for those. But I think that’s all I have for you right now, so have a good week, and NatAttack out.”

_saidhtaaaa: Okay, I’m just going to say it. Maria Hill is my new favorite person. Like, in the world. Across all time._

_Beth22Duncan: THANK YOU for bringing light to Senator Allen’s sexual assault and harassment. Too many women are scared to speak up, but having someone as popular as you show what happened will hopefully inspire more women to do the same._

_80s90snostalgia: Hahahahahahahahah Schoolhouse Rock was my JAM growing up. Tell Clint that he did a good job Americanizing you._

_NatAttack: @80s90snostalgia I have watched enough Schoolhouse Rock and Bill Nye to last for multiple lifetimes, thank you very much. I will tell him no such thing._

_Marquell38: Now hold on just a minute. You’re telling me that if that room full of fuck-offs votes in your favor next week then we get to find out who your girlfriend is? … I’m about to canvas so fucking hard for you._

_Martin S.: Glad to see you back on your feet._

_jixxiepixxie: #Kwan2020_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright guys, hang in there with me. Congress never works quickly, but I promise that in a few chapters we will get results.


	16. Game of Thrones

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Natasha decides to remedy a gap in Steve's pop culture knowledge by forcing him to watch Game of Thrones. He is predictably scandalized.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you haven't seen Game of Thrones this might not make much sense (but still read it because a few parts will be funny regardless). Also, you know, spoilers.

“Hey guys! NatAttack here.” Natasha was sitting on a nice couch by herself. Suddenly, Steve came in from out of frame and jumped onto the couch so he was sitting next to her. In his hands was a bowl of popcorn. “And I’m Steve!”

Natasha rolled her eyes and shoved him off of her. “Yes, and this archaic individual is Steve Rogers. I invited him over today because I took pity on his fossilized ass and decided to help him out.”

She threw her arm around his shoulders and said “Today, Captain America is watching the most American British show in existence… Game of Thrones.”

“I’ve heard a few not so wholesome things about this show, so I’d like to apologize in advance for what you’re about to witness.” Steve said in a serious voice. 

Natasha smirked. “Oh come on Steve, you know better than to believe what everyone tells you. Game of Thrones honestly isn’t even that bad.”

“Not that bad!?!” The video had jumped forward and we saw a split screen. On one side was a laughing Natasha and a traumatized Steve, and on the other side was Jaime Lannister pounding his sister from behind. 

“They’re- they’re- they’re related! Oh my gosh this is disgusting. People like this show? What’s wrong with them?!” Steve was torn between looking at the screen to see what happened and looking away to protect his eyes. 

“Oh, Steve, look! They’re about to get caught, it’s okay.” Natasha hid her smile behind her hand and pointed to the screen. 

Steve looked up hopefully just as Cersei saw Bran and Jaime grabbed him. He watched as Jaime released Bran and turned to look back at Cersei, and thought it was safe enough to say “I was worried there for a second, but at least he has some shred of-”

Jaime pushed Bran from the tower and Steve stopped talking. He stayed completely motionless for one beat, then two, then he jumped to his feet and shouted “WHAT?!?”

“Natasha what the hell are you making me watch? I thought you said this was another pop culture lesson? Last time we just watched Rocky Horror, which, yeah, was a little weird, but there wasn’t _incest and child murder_.” Steve was pacing back and forth in front of the couch and angrily waving his arms for emphasis.

Natasha was leaning back on the couch and watching him with an amused expression. 

“I don’t know if I can watch this. I really don’t know if I can watch this.”

Sighing, Natasha leaned forward, grabbed Steve’s wrist, and used it to tug him forward onto the couch. Pushing him into position, she ended up with Steve curled into a ball on his side and his head in her lap. She stroked his hair in a comforting gesture.

“Steve, what did you promise me this morning?”

He sighed and allowed himself to relax further into her. “That I would watch Game of Thrones with you.” 

“That’s right. You _promised_ me that you would watch the entire first season of Game of Thrones with me. In one marathon sitting. Are you the kind of person to break your promises?” She looked up at the camera and rolled her eyes.

Steve dramatically sighed and said in a whiny voice “Ugh, noooo.”

“I didn’t think so. So what are you going to do right now?”

“Watch the rest of season one of this awful, terrible show.”

“Good boy.”

The video then jumped forward to them both sitting up again and Steve saying “That was awesome! I like this guy. What’s his name? Tyrion?”

On the other side of the split screen we saw Tyrion slapping Joffrey, then slapping him again, then slapping him again. Natasha openly laughed and said “See Steve? I told you it wasn’t all bad.”

“No, you said it wasn’t that bad. It most certainly _is_ that bad, but if I’m going to sit through this entire season I figured I might as well try to enjoy it.”

Jumping forward, Steve’s eyes were glued to the screen and he audibly gulped. Natasha bumped her shoulder into his and said, “Who’s enjoying it now, huh?”

On screen, Doreah was placing Daenerys’s hands on her hips and grinding down onto her. When Doreah said “Then don’t make love like a slave,” Steve gulped again and Natasha licked her lips. Then Daenerys flipped them and took control, causing Natasha to say “Damn Dany.”

As the lesson unfolded on screen, Natasha said “Dude, the level of homoeroticism in this scene is off the charts.” And then, when the screen went dark and switched to the next scene, Natasha said “10/10 they totally fucked.”

Steve, still in his trance-like state, said “Language!” and Natasha turned to look at him in shock. “Did you just…? Did you just “language” me? Oh my god… I can’t wait to tell everyone about this.” 

Natasha pulled out her phone and started typing away as Steve dropped his head to his hands. “It just slipped out, I’m sorry! You guys are never going to let this go are you?”

“Oh, baby boy, of course we’re not.” Natasha rubbed circles on his back and held out her phone to take a selfie with him. Selfie achieved, she typed a few words and hit send. “This is going to everyone, Steve.”

Jumping forward, Steve looked angry as Viserys threatened Daenerys and her unborn child. “He is a sorry excuse for a brother.”

“Yep. Just wait though, pretty boy is about to get what’s coming to him.”

“Why did he… Wait, what’s going on?”

Drogo tossed the gold belt into the cauldron and Viserys pleaded to Daenerys. Natasha leaned forward until she was perched on the edge of the couch, a picture of hopeful anticipation. Steve, on the other hand, sunk back into the couch and peeked at the screen through his fingers. “Is he going to… oh my gosh.” Natasha nodded in excitement.

Drogo said “A crown for a king” and poured the molten gold. As Viserys screamed Natasha laughed and said “Beautiful” while Steve said “I think I’m going to be sick.”

When Viserys’s head thudded to the floor, Natasha sat back into the couch and happily sighed. Turning to Steve, she said “I actually did that once, you know. Well, it was molten lead and I poured it down his throat, but same difference.” 

Steve lowered his hands from his face and looked directly at Natasha. “I know we’re friends and all, but I’m legitimately terrified by you sometimes.”

She smirked and said “Only sometimes?”

Skipping forward, the video then showed Arya meeting her “dance master.” When he turned around and held out two wooden swords, Steve said “Good for her.” Natasha made a noise of agreement and added “Very good for her. Killing is a skill every young girl should know.”

Shaking his head, Steve muttered “Terrified.”

The next scene shown was Ned Stark sleuthing through the family histories. He went through the Baratheons, and when he said “Joffrey Baratheon, golden head” Steve gasped. “Wait. Does that mean…?”

“Yep.” Natasha answered in a thoroughly not scandalized way. 

“How are you so calm about this? They’re siblings-- twins!-- and they have a child together.” Steve shook his head in disgust. 

“Eh. What exactly did you expect? And besides, this show has some thoroughly medieval themes in it. Incest and inbreeding fit right in.”

“But still, that’s just wrong. Is Ned going to tell everyone? That kid has no right to the throne.”

Jumping forward to Ned confronting Cersei, Steve shook his finger at the screen and said “That’s an honorable man right there. He’s going places.”

Natasha mouthed at the camera “Yeah, like death.”

The video then skipped to Arya’s final class with Syrio when it gets crashed by the soldiers. Natasha and Steve sat in relative silence through the entire incident, with Natasha throwing out a glib “When I was her age I already would’ve killed them all.”

Steve sighed and said “Yes, well, not everyone had such… thorough… training as you.” 

“Aw, Steve, you sure know how to make a girl feel special.” Natasha snuggled into Steve’s side and he looked a bit surprised but mostly happy.

When Arya ran away and started chanting “Not today,” Natasha said “What. A. Motto. I dig it.”

And then, jumping forward again to Ned on the platform confessing his guilt, Steve said “This is ridiculous. Robert gave him the throne.”

Natasha smirked at the camera and sang “He made a treaty with a king whose head is now in a basket, would you like to take it out and ask it?” At Steve’s confused face she clenched her fists and let out a sigh. “Steve, I swear to god, if you haven’t listened to Hamilton yet I might have to hurt you.”

He looked at her sheepishly and shrugged his shoulders. Her eyes narrowed and glinted dangerously, but whatever she was about to do was cut off when Joffrey said “bring me his head.”

Steve sat in total horrified silence during the execution scene, and when the axe went down he simply said “I hate this show.” Natasha tutted, pulled him into her side, and handed him a bag of chips. “Here. Do what the rest of us do and drown your sorrows in shitty food.”

He glared at her for a few seconds, but then he sighed and grabbed the bag of chips. “Kids, don’t follow this example.” He shoved a handful of chips into his mouth and crunched away. Swallowing, he added “Actually, kids shouldn’t be watching this video, so shame on you anyway.”

Natasha reached into the bag and grabbed some chips for herself and then leaned back into Steve’s side to continue watching. The video then jumped forward to a single screen showing Steve and Natasha.

“And, ten episodes later, we have successfully watched season one of Game of Thrones. Steve, what did you think?”

“That was a disgusting, crude, and terrible show.”

“And?”

“And I’m definitely watching season two.”

“That’s my boy.” Natasha reached over and ruffled his hair. “Capsicle here is going to be staying with us for a few days, so be on the lookout for another video featuring his pretty face and offended sensibilities.”

“But for now that’s all we have. I’m going to have to weed through 10 hours of footage to put together this video, so even if you didn’t like it-- you’d better fucking pretend.” She smiled cheerily and said “Hope you enjoyed the video, and remember, watch your language. NatAttack out.” 

Steve groaned and threw his head back, and then the video went black.

_ghiradae: Is anyone going to explain this whole “language” thing? Is that some sort of Avengers inside joke?_

_NatAttack: @ghiradae Oh my god you have no idea._

_cultclassics: You watched Rocky Horror with Captain America? Please tell me you got footage of that._

_NatAttack: @cultclassics Haha unfortunately I didn’t. BUT I did secure a promise to let me take him to a midnight showing next Halloween. I’m totally dressing him as Rocky. You’re welcome in advance. (;_

_I’mNotStraight: Haha, I agree with your Daenerys/Doreah assessment. They totally fucked._

_50sidyll: Awww, Steve is so precious._

_sean_goodric: Damn. Need me a man like that._

_merryberry: Did you see that Senator Allen is facing an investigation? Thanks to you five other women have come forward with their stories about him. Just goes to show you that change starts with one person._

_Dominic F.: Steve makes a good point-- you do seem like a terrifying friend._

_Lotz4Dayz: Just wanted you to know that I’ve been getting everyone I know to call our Senator. We’re rooting for you._

_jacksonlima: Lol, did your girlfriend just let you take over the living room all day to film this video?_

_NatAttack: @jacksonlima Of course she did! She supports all of my endeavors, however stupid they may be. And besides, getting another of Steve’s “language” comments is well worth her missing Jeopardy. She will literally never let him live this down._


	17. Liho Goes to the Vet

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve takes Liho to the vet.

The video started with Natasha dragging a sleepy Steve into frame. “Hey guys! NatAttack here. And you already know who this sleepy superhero is. Wave to the people Steve.” Steve gave a half hearted wave and a yawn.

“My original plan for today involved a trick shot competition with various weapons judged by Clint. Unfortunately BirdBoy had to cancel though, so I was forced to come up with an alternative. But rest assured, it’s a wonderful, beautiful alternative.” She paused for dramatic effect and Steve opened his eyes a bit more. 

“Steve is taking Liho to the vet.” 

Those seven words were enough to jolt Steve into total consciousness, and you would be hard pressed to find a purer look of horror than the one that crossed his face. He opened and closed his mouth a few times while Natasha just looked at him and smirked, and when he finally regained his ability to speak he simply said “No.”

Natasha’s smirk, if possible, intensified. “Yes.”

“No! Absolutely not! That cat hates me. It is sadistic and cruel and manipulative and I don’t know why you think for even a second that I would willingly spend time with it.”

“Steve, sweetheart, you realize you just described me… right?”

“What?” Steve’s face showed confusion as he rethought what he said, and then recognition as he came to some sort of conclusion. “Oh. Yeah. I guess I did. But you don’t bite and scratch and claw!”

Someone off camera snorted and Natasha fixed them with a playful look and winked. “You want to tell Steve just how much I bite and scratch?”

Steve just looked even more confused and said “I don’t get it.”

The person off camera snorted again and Natasha patted Steve on the arm. “Maybe when you’re older, big guy.”

That was enough for understanding to flash across Steve’s face, which quickly turned to disgust. “Oh my gosh I did _not_ need to know that! I thought we’d been over this guys-- less sexual talk, please.”

“Hmm. How about I make you a deal? We’ll make less sexual references around your fragile 1940s ears, _if_ you take Liho to the vet and record the entire thing.” 

“Oh that’s cruel. You can’t just manipulate me like that, Natasha.” Steve crossed his arms over his chest and pouted as he spoke. 

Natasha laughed and poked him on the chest. “What were those adjectives you used? Sadistic, cruel, and manipulative? You’re doing it, Steve.”

“No I’m not.”

“Yes you are.”

“Am not.”

“Are to.”

“Am not!”

Someone off screen sighed deeply and whispered “Children.”

Natasha stopped and decided to switch tactics. Putting her hand on Steve’s arm she said “Look, Steve. I know you don’t like Liho. Personally I think it’s because you don’t really know her yet, but that’s beside the point. Ma- My girlfriend and I just got tickets for the game today, but Liho already had this appointment scheduled and she really needs her shots. So can you _please_ take her to the vet? I’ll love you forever.” She practically batted her eyes at the end, but Steve’s slumped posture told us that she had already won.

“ _Fine_ , I’ll take the cat and video it for your stupid YouTube channel. You owe me though.”

“Oh come on Steve, you know I don’t believe in the whole concept of “owing” people for small favors. But you will have my undying gratitude.”

Steve let out an exasperated sigh and shook his head. “When is the appointment?”

Natasha beamed at him and said “In two hours.” She grabbed a bag and a cat carrier from the floor behind her and handed them both to him. “Be there at least fifteen minutes early just in case. This bag has your camera and Liho’s papers and such, and this is her carrying case.”

Nodding, Steve took the bag and the case from Natasha. “When do I need to start filming? And you’re putting her in the case, right?”

“Start as soon as we leave, and absolutely not. What fun would that be?” Natasha grabbed her jacket from a chair behind her and gestured for whoever was off screen to follow her. “Good luck Steve!”

The camera shuffled a bit as Natasha’s girlfriend moved to shut it off, but before it went black we heard Steve mutter “Manipulative.”

Steve was holding a camera at arm’s length and looking into it. “So, um, hi guys! My name is Steve, and I’m taking the spawn of Satan to the vet today. But first we need to find her. So I guess… come with me?”

The next minute was just Steve wandering aimlessly around the apartment calling out “Liho!” Finally the camera zoomed in on a black tail peeking out from under a bed. “There she is” Steve whispered. 

He closed and locked the door to the room and set the camera on the floor with a clear view of most of the room. Setting the open carrier a few feet from the bed, Steve got down on his hands and knees and started cautiously moving toward the cat. 

“Liho, darling, your mommy asked me to take you to the vet. So if you could do me a favor and, you know, _not_ attack me that would be great.” Steve inched closer to Liho, and she moved out from under the bed a bit.

Reaching out with two hands in relief at Liho’s apparent compliance, Steve was taken off guard when she suddenly leaped at his face. She hit his forehead with her front paws and then propelled herself with her back paws off his chin to jump clear of his body and run back under the bed.

“Agghhh!” Steve let out a strangled cry, and when he turned to try and grab Liho before she disappeared again we saw that he was bleeding from a cut on his chin. 

He made several attempts to gently coax Liho out from under the bed with similar results, and soon he had bleeding scratches on his face, neck, and arms. 

“This is ridiculous. Liho, you are getting in this case one way or another. Either you come out here and get in yourself or I’m going to force you in. No more Mr. Nice Guy, you hear me?” 

Steve stood back from the bed with his arms crossed and foot tapping. Liho poked her head out and merely hissed at him in response to his threat. He shrugged his shoulders and said “Well, I tried to do it the nice way.”

Stepping forward to the edge of the bed, Steve grabbed it from the bottom and stood the entire bed on its side in one quick motion. Letting the bed stand on its own, he used his super soldier speed to dive down and grab Liho with his right hand.

Liho scratched and hissed and bit him, causing his already damaged hands and arms to receive many more wounds, but he quickly transported her to the carrier and zipped close the door. Steve looked at the camera, which was still in its corner of the room spot, and smiled. “Just like Arya.”

The video skipped to Steve climbing into the driver’s seat of a car. As he turned to put Liho in the passenger’s seat, the front of the carrier came into contact with his stomach. Liho, not one to pass up opportunity, raked his abdomen through the mesh front of the carrier.

“What the heck Liho!?” Steve unceremoniously dumped Liho into the passenger’s seat and then pointed the camera at himself. “Whose idea was it to make a mesh cat carrier?” He looked down at himself and saw a few spots of blood soaking through his shirt. “And whose idea was it to wear a white shirt?” He shook his head and muttered “Get it together Rogers.”

A little while later Steve was driving down the road and his phone rang. The camera was affixed to the dashboard somehow and he pulled his phone out of his pocket. Looking at the screen and smiling, he brought it to his ear. 

“Hey darling.” We only heard one side of the conversation. 

“Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m taking Liho to the vet.”

“Yeah, Natasha’s cat.”

Steve laughed and said “Yeah, the one that hates me.”

“You know how she is. She made me feel both guilty and scared, and long story short I’m taking Liho to the vet and filming the entire thing.”

“Yeah, she’s putting it on YouTube. Apparently she thinks people will find my Liho struggles entertaining.”

“Hey! You’re supposed to be on my side.”

“Fair enough.”

“Of course your info won’t be on the video.” Steve laughed again and said “What, your new employer doesn’t want you associating with criminals?” His tone was slightly mocking.

“Ha, no I guess SHIELD wouldn’t have liked it either. I doubt Fury or Hill ever would’ve fired you though. You know you were about to be bumped to special when all the Hydra mess went down.”

“Oh come on, stop being so humble. You’re amazing.”

Liho hissed loudly from the passenger’s seat and Steve sighed. 

“Yep. That devil cat is Liho.”

“No, she is not happy about our current situation.”

“I probably should. I’ll call you tonight?”

“Cool. I’ll tell mom you said hi.”

“Sure, Natasha too.”

“I guess I can tell Liho too. I will never understand how that cat likes you.”

He snorted and said “Whatever. I’ll talk to you later.”

“Bye.”

Jumping forward, Steve carefully maneuvered Liho’s case out of the car with one hand and held it at arm’s length. Taking a deep breath, he started walking toward the entrance to the vet’s office.

Liho hissed and went crazy, causing the carrier to shake violently in Steve’s grasp. “Liho, calm down.” _Hiss._

“Liho, dang it, you’re going to make me drop you. Calm down!”

_Hiss._

“Natasha, as you go through this footage later, please know that I hate you… Liho! Stop acting like a brat!”

_Hiss._

Steve had to bring the case closer to him in order to open the door, and of course Liho again took the opportunity to scratch him.” Gritting his teeth through the pain, Steve muttered to himself in reassurance “You’re Captain America, you can handle a cat.”

Walking toward the front desk, Liho once again at arm’s length, Steve came to a stop in front of the counter. The woman at the desk was just hanging up the phone, and she turned and smiled at Steve. “What can I do for you today?”

“Um, my friend asked me to bring her cat in.”

“Name?”

“Uh-- I’m Steve.”

The woman laughed and said “Not you, dear. The cat.”

“Oh! Liho.”

The woman punched a few things into her computer and then looked back up. “Ah yes, Liho. We have a Liho Romanoff for 9 o’clock.”

“Yeah, that’s her.” A hiss came from the carrier and Steve jumped in fear. The woman gave a small reassuring smile and said “You can take a seat. We’ll call you back when we’re ready.”

Jumping forward, Steve was standing in the corner of the room as far from the exam table where Liho’s carrier sat as he could be. He was looking into the camera and talking. “People always ask me what I’m scared of. Steve, you punched Nazis, you were frozen for 70 years, you fought aliens… what could _possibly_ scare you?” 

“Well, folks, the list of things I’m scared of is small, that much is true. However, the three things at the top of the list are Natasha Romanoff, her girlfriend, and” he flipped the camera and pointed it at the shaking cat carrier on the exam table, “Liho the cat.”

Just then the door opened and a woman walked in. “Hi, I’m Doctor Shaw. How are you doing today?” She looked Steve up and down with a raised eyebrow, no doubt taking in his scratched and bloodied state.

“Hey doc. I’m Steve. I’ve… been better. Liho and I aren’t exactly friends.”

Dr. Shaw let out a laugh and said “I can see that.”

She walked over to the carrier and started unzipping the front. “How’s my little princess doing today?” Liho calmly stepped out of the carrier and meowed at Dr. Shaw as she nuzzled her hand. Steve made a noise of disbelief and said “Liho! I feel betrayed.”

Liho just hissed at Steve and went back to enjoying Dr. Shaw’s attention. “Don’t take it personally, Steve. It took a little while for Liho and I to build a rapport. She just likes being treated like a princess. Don’t you, Liho?”

Liho meowed and calmly laid down on the table. Dr. Shaw grabbed her chart and looked it over. “Well, Steve, it looks like today I’m just going to be doing a general exam and a few booster shots. I’m going to need you to hold her down while I give the shots.”

Steve sighed. “What the heck. What’s a little more blood in the grand scheme of things?”

Jumping forward, the video switched to show Steve holding Liho against his chest while Dr. Shaw hovered with a needle. Liho had her mouth locked onto Steve’s forearm and her claws fully extended. When Dr. Shaw advanced the needle, Liho let go of Steve’s forearm so she could hiss at the doc.

Dr. Shaw said “Don’t give me that, pretty girl. I have two more for you and then you’re out of here.”

While Dr. Shaw prepped the next syringe Steve looked thoughtful. “You know, Liho, when I was young I was sick all the time. Just about anything that could be wrong with a kid was wrong with me, and I was in the doctor’s office every week.”

Liho’s ears perked up and her claws retracted slightly. Dr. Shaw had the next shot prepped but decided to wait as Steve spoke to Liho. “They took my blood and gave me shots and did a lot of not very fun tests-- and it was the 20’s so you know it was even worse than it was today.”

If Dr. Shaw was surprised at Steve’s mention of his age she didn’t show it. “So believe me, I know this isn’t fun. But you know something? All of those shots and tests kept me alive. If I hadn’t had them then I would’ve died long before I ever got the chance to serve my country, or join the Avengers, or meet your moms.”

Liho had relaxed more as he spoke, and when he mentioned Natasha and her girlfriend she actually meowed up at Steve. “So what do you say Liho? Will you be a big girl and get these last two shots? To make sure you stay healthy and get to stay with your moms for as long as possible?”

Liho meowed again and actually nuzzled her head into Steve’s stomach. Steve nodded at Dr. Shaw, who nodded back and quickly gave the shot. Liho hissed and extended her claws, but she stopped short of burying them into Steve. 

“Good job Liho. You just have one more, and then I can take you home.” Dr. Shaw quickly prepped and delivered the next shot, which was met with more hissing, but no attacking.

“Alright Liho! We’re all done. Do you think you can get back in your carrier so Steve can get you home to Mama Romanoff?” Dr. Shaw pointed to the carrier, which was sitting open on the table. Liho was still clearly upset with Dr. Shaw, but she nonetheless turned and walked into her carrier without protest when Steve set her down.

“Thanks for your help Steve. Liho is all set. You can pay the copay and get your exit paperwork at the front desk on the way out.”

“Of course there’s a copay.” Steve shook his head before extending his hand to shake Dr. Shaw’s. “Thank you Doctor Shaw. Have a lovely rest of your day.”

The video then skipped forward to Steve hugging the carrier to his chest on the way to the car. “Well Liho, we did it. I’m sure Natasha will be very proud of you when she watches this footage.” Liho meowed from within the carrier and Steve smiled at the camera and mouthed “Bonding.”

Skipping forward again, Steve was lounging on Natasha’s couch with Liho purring and sleeping on his lap. “We’re friends now.” Then a key sounded in the door and we heard Natasha say “Baby girl, did you make friends with the capsicle?”

Liho immediately shot awake and ran toward Natasha’s voice. Steve sighed and said “Well, we were friends until you came home.”

Suddenly Natasha dropped down on the couch next to him with Liho in her arms. “Ah, don’t feel bad Steve. You know you can’t compete with me.”

He reached over and scratched behind Liho’s ears. “I suppose you’re right. I’ll settle for not being attacked every five seconds.” Liho leaned back and playfully nipped at his fingers, causing Natasha, Steve, and the out of frame woman to laugh. 

The screen then went black for a second before it popped back up with Natasha and Steve standing in front of her typical recording spot. “I have officially watched all of the footage, and I think that Steve deserves an honorable mention.”

Steve looked at her with both eyebrows raised and said “ _Honorable mention?_ I deserve top prize.”

“We both know Liho was the star of this video. Then me, then Dr. Shaw, then maybe you.”

Steve shook his head and said “You’re unbelievable.”

She grinned up at him and said “Thank you.”

“So there you have it folks. Captain America took Liho the cat to the vet and lived to tell the tale. I’m going to post this video soon, but after that I’m spending the entire evening offline and with my girlfriend, so I won’t be replying to any comments. Sorry.”

“Hopefully tomorrow will bring about the end of my fugitive state. If it does, I promise I have something _very_ special planned for you. But for now that’s all I have for you. Steve, would you like to do the honors?”

Steve threw his arm around Natasha and gave a childish grin. “I thought you would never ask.” He pointed at the camera with his other hand and said “NatAttack out.”

_mamajune: You’re in my prayers. I hope tomorrow goes the way we all want it to._

_rahrahrockin: Even though you were barely in this video it was still awesome. And besides, Liho is basically you so I didn’t feel too left out._

_CaptainAmericaIsBae: Was… Was Steve talking to a significant other? Does Captain America have a girlfriend!?!_

_catzcatz: Liho was definitely the star of that video._

_icelandtastic: Again, what job did your girlfriend have that all of these Avengers are scared of her? Holy shit._

_2gay2function: Hot damn when Steve threw that bed up like it weighed nothing I think I actually swooned._

_yolanyucatan: Hi, I just have one question… WHY IS NOBODY ADDRESSING THAT STEVE CALLED NATASHA’S GIRLFRIEND MOM!?!? That is all, carry on._

_NatAttack: @yolanyucatan It's a team mom situation. She says she hates it, but I think she secretly likes it._ [reply came the following morning] 

\---

Instagram post early the next morning:

The first picture in the set was of a naked woman lying in bed with a sheet covering all essential areas. The camera angle had her hip and stomach in focus and made it so her face was blurry and in the background. On her hip was a very large and very clear spider web tattoo. 

The second picture was taken from the woman’s point of view (looking down at her own body) and showed Natasha pressing a kiss to that same tattoo. 

The caption read: I caught her in my web on day one… she just didn’t admit it until months later. #WomanCrushEveryDay

_wanderlusty: OMG she has a spider web tattoo? THAT IS SO CUTE!!! Do you have a tattoo of something of hers too?_

_prismasteve: She is beautiful. You are beautiful._

_farawayviews: #hot_

_likemike: I’m beyond excited for today. If they don’t drop your warrants I swear to god I’m going to burn our entire government to the ground._

_loverboi395: So...when’s the wedding?_


	18. The Vote

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We're back on Capitol Hill to watch them vote on Natasha's fate.

“Hey guys! NatAttack here.” Natasha was holding her phone and standing in front of a full length mirror. She was in a brunette wig with full bangs and a ponytail, and she had large glasses and freckles on her face. She was wearing a white button down and a blue blazer and pants, and dress brogues with no socks. Across her torso was a messenger bag strap. The entire effect was that of a stylish but nerdy modern college kid. 

“As you might be able to tell by my wardrobe, I am once again one of the college students doomed to spend their free time roaming the halls of Capitol Hill. They’re likely going to be expecting me today, but heightened security at the Capitol Building is like minimum security at the CIA… remarkably easy to walk through.” She smiled at the camera in the mirror and fished a badge out of her pocket. 

“Today I’m one of Senator Milton’s aides. Seeing as how he’s heading this committee I thought it would be poetic in a way. Today’s meeting is in the same room but since they’ll likely have my balcony under scrutiny I’m going to be sitting in the crowd. So…”

She slid her phone into her blazer pocket and it sat perfectly with the camera lens sticking out. “You’re going to be sitting in here and I’m going to be on silent mode. Let’s do this.”

The video then flashed to Natasha walking down the crowded street. She weaved through the people with ease but paused outside of a Starbucks window and glanced down at her watch. “Yeah I have time. Come on guys, let’s see if our friend Haley is working today.”

Pushing open the door, Natasha walked over and got in line. Skipping forward a bit, she was soon next to order, and sure enough, Haley the barista was working the register. The man at the register moved away and Natasha stepped forward. 

“Hey there. What can I get for you today?”

When Natasha spoke you could practically hear the smile in her voice. “Warm chocolate please.”

Haley had been looking down at her register but her head whipped up at Natasha’s words. She looked her up and down with a furrowed brow before saying in an amused voiced “Like a kid’s hot chocolate?”

“Yep.” Natasha popped her “p.”

That was enough for Haley to smile widely in recognition and say “Glad to see some things haven’t changed.”

She punched a few things into her register and said “That’ll be $4.75.”

Natasha handed over a five and got a quarter back. Haley asked “Will that be under Nat today?”

Laughing, Natasha moved to fish her badge out of her pocket. “Um… hold on let me check.” Successfully retrieving her badge, she glanced down at it briefly. “No. It looks like I’m Sasha Petrov today.” She scoffed and muttered “A little on the nose with the Russian there, babe.”

Haley arched an eyebrow and simply said “One warm chocolate for Sasha coming right up.”

Natasha moved to the side and waited for her drink, which was ready a minute later. Walking up and grabbing it from the counter, Natasha turned and called out “Nice seeing you again Haley! Tell Wanda I said hey.” 

Haley looked away from her customer to wave and laugh. “I will! Good luck today.”

Skipping forward again, Natasha walked through the halls of the Capitol Building with her Starbucks in one hand. Getting into an empty elevator, she punched the button for the fifth floor. “I think the Starbucks was the finishing touch that really shifted suspicion away from me. Hopefully it’ll carry over to the meeting room.”

The elevator stayed blissfully empty all the way to the fifth floor, when she got out and walked down the hall. Glancing at her watch and muttering “Five minutes early, perfect,” Natasha opened a door on the right and walked in confidently. 

Every row was nearly packed, which allowed Natasha to slip unnoticed into an empty seat halfway up the aisle. The woman next to her looked like an actual college student and she gave Natasha a friendly smile. 

After Natasha had been sitting for a minute the woman leaned closer to her and whispered conspiratorially, “You’re not supposed to be here either are you?”

Natasha whispered back playfully “I’m not sure what you mean.”

The woman laughed and said “Come off it. Half of the people in here aren’t actually supposed to be in this room right now. It’s all just so exciting.” When Natasha didn’t immediately reply, she added “I hope they vote to drop the warrants. We all do. Well, all of us interns anyway.”

“Okay fine, you got me. I’m definitely not supposed to be here right now, but if they drop her warrants it’ll be the most valuable thing members of Congress have done in a _long_ time-- and I can’t miss that.”

Before the other woman responded, Senator Milton spoke from his seat. “Before we vote we will hear final arguments from any committee member who wishes to make one. I know Senator Allen had requested to make a statement, but due to recent events and the ongoing investigation he has been removed from this committee.”

The woman next to Natasha whispered “Serves him fucking right.”

Milton continued. “He chose his replacement in Senator Finnegan, who will be delivering a final statement instead.”

Senator Finnegan was a middle aged white man with an uncomfortably pinched expression. “Thank you, Senator Milton. My stance on this issue is and will always be that Ms. Romanoff should not be allowed to walk around as a free woman. She is arguably the most dangerous human in existence and has shown no qualms in pedalling out her vast array of skills to different organizations.”

“This is a woman who was raised and brainwashed by the Soviet Union to be a perfect spy and killing machine. We’ve all seen some of the documents detailing her time with the KGB-- a time when she killed and tortured thousands of men, women, and children. And then she decided to join SHIELD, where she did more of the same, just under a different name and the guise of righteousness. For years at SHIELD she has followed orders without question, benefitting SHIELD… and Hydra. It didn’t matter to her whose lies she was selling, so long as she got to keep selling them.”

“Then came the superhero Civil War, where she once again showed her true colors and switched allegiances as soon as it was advantageous for her. What’s to stop someone like this, someone with such fickle loyalty and clear love of violence, from turning her back on this country like she did to every organization she has ever been a part of?”

“She deserves to be in a maximum security cell, and we’re not going to get her there by dropping her warrants and continuing to let her taunt us over social media. Need I remind you that she was _here_ just last week? And was in the _Oval Office_ just a few weeks before? Ms. Romanoff is dangerous, plain and simple. Thank you.”

Senator Milton raised his hands some to quiet down the displeased noises that had started to rise in the crowd. “Quiet down please, everybody. The only other Senator on this committee who feels it necessary to make a final statement is Senator Kwan. Senator, the floor is yours.”

Senator Kwan smiled and said “Thank you, Senator Milton.” Clearing his throat, he began his statement. “Like Senator Finnegan, I too have very strong opinions on the fate of Agent Romanoff. Unlike Senator Finnegan, however, mine are rooted in fact and have just a dash of human compassion.”

“Natasha Romanoff is a name that every household in this country has heard. It inspires hope, and laughter, and brings with it the knowledge that anybody can be anything if they just set their mind to it. It wasn’t too long ago that that wasn’t the case, though. The name Natasha Romanoff used to be one that was only whispered in shadows and in fear. It was a name that all enemies of the United States, neigh, that all enemies of _Earth_ , feared to speak. But it wasn’t too long before that that Natasha Romanoff didn’t exist.”

“Instead there was Natalia Romanova, the Black Widow. The moniker Black Widow is one only bestowed upon those who have graduated from the Red Room. It is given to the most ruthless, the most talented, the most immoral women on this planet… at least, that’s what they want you to think. Because the truth is, the title Black Widow is given to the most broken, most abused children to ever walk this Earth. Because before Agent Romanoff was Natalia Romanova, Black Widow, she was Natalia Romanova, scared child.”

“Imagine being taken from your family before you even reached five. Imagine being beaten, and raped, and tortured for your entire childhood. Imagine being told every day that you’re a monster, that all you’re good for is seducing and killing and torturing for your country, until you’ve heard it so many times that you start to believe it. You can’t imagine it, can you?”

Senator Kwan took a deep breath. “Well there is someone in this room who doesn’t have to imagine it, because she lived it. She has lived for long enough to move from Natalia Romanova, abused child, to Natasha Romanoff, one of Earth’s mightiest heroes and YouTube extraordinaire.”

“Despite everything she has been through, she has somehow managed to make a new life for herself. To make friends, to help people, to find love… Look, Senators, I’m not suggesting that we give her a pardon for any and all future crimes. All I’m asking is that we take wipe away her past crimes-- including her involvement in the superhero Civil War. Like Agent Hill said, we’re punishing her for something that was barely a violation because we’re scared of the Black Widow and have been embarrassed by Natasha. I think it’s time we take into account everything she has been through and consider all of her identities, not just the Black Widow.”

“Allow her the same chance as anyone else to remake herself, and stop punishing her for her past abuse and trauma. That’s all I have, Senator Milton. Thank you for allowing me the floor.”

Next to Natasha, the college intern whispered “Holy shit. That was beautiful.”

Up in the front of the room, Senator Milton said “Alright then. It’s time to put this to a vote. All those opposed to removing Natasha Romanoff’s warrants?”

A spattering of hands went up, including Senators Finnegan and Milton, and were counted carefully. “Okay. And all in favor of removing Natasha Romanoff’s warrants?”

Many more hands went up this time and were counted just as carefully. Sighing deeply, Senator Milton said “Those in favor have it. We’ll send up our decision, and it should be finalized within the next couple of hours. By tonight Natasha Romanoff will be an unwanted woman… I sure hope we know what we’re doing.”

Most of the room erupted into applause then, some people actually jumping to their feet in excitement. Natasha just sat motionlessly and silently though. The intern next to Natasha noticed her state and said “Hey, are you okay?”

Natasha let out an incredulous laugh and said “I’m more than okay.”

“Oh I know, this is all so exciting isn’t it? Hey, a group of us are going out for drinks to celebrate, any chance you want to tag along…” She trailed off, and realizing that she didn’t know Natasha’s name, said “I just realized that I never actually got your name. I’m Susan.”

Susan proffered her hand for a shake and Natasha rose to her feet and took the hand. “Natasha Romanoff, nice to meet you.”

Eyes widening comically, Susan said “No fucking way.”

“I’m afraid so. Don’t tell anyone for a few hours though-- I wouldn’t want to get arrested before it was official.” 

Susan recovered faster than most and said “Of course not! The offer for drinks still stands though, if you want.”

“Thank you, but I’m going to have to pass. I have a girlfriend that is anxiously awaiting my return home.”

Natasha then fished her phone out of her pocket and flipped the camera so it was looking at her. She started walking out of the room while speaking to the camera. “I’m at a loss for words right now, really.”

“Thank you all so much for leading this fight for me. If it weren’t for you none of this would have happened and for that I will be forever grateful.” She stepped around someone in the aisle and walked out of the door and into the elevator. The elevator had several other people in it, but she kept talking anyway.

“I’m going to edit this on my phone on the way back to my apartment, so I’m sorry if the quality winds up being a bit shit.” An older man next to her in the elevator turned up his nose at her use of profanity and she just rolled her eyes.

“I don’t want to make you wait any longer than you have to though, and my girlfriend promised me something _very_ nice if I came home a free woman so I’m definitely not going to be thinking about video editing for a few hours. I have this whole big plan for her reveal that’s going to take place tomorrow-- hopefully you can hold on for another day.”

There was a younger man in the elevator who was looking at her with a hint of recognition and excitement in his eyes. “I’ll be going live sometime around 8 tomorrow night, so be on the lookout for that. But for right now?” The elevator dinged at the ground floor and the doors opened. 

“NatAttack out.”

_junibeejulibee: YESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!_

_free2speak: The power of the people, everybody. Your voice really does make a difference._

_OUAT_SQ: #Kwan2020 (but, like, frfr)_

_PokeTheBear: Lol love love love the Haley cameo-- and glad to hear she’s actually seeing Wanda. You performed your big sister duties admirably. Also, HOLY FUCKING SHIT CONGRATS ON THE FREEDOM!!!_

_fashionistabarista: Your college student look is on point._

_clickpear: I have not been this excited for something since Christmas when I was like five. I’ll be sitting in front of my computer screen tomorrow night continually refreshing._

\---

Snapchat story later that night:

The first was a picture of a CNN breaking news update on tv. Across the bottom of the screen was a banner reading “Natasha Romanoff’s Warrants Dropped,” and the screen had a picture of Natasha’s face. 

The next was a video of a similar breaking news update, but this time on Fox News. The banner at the bottom read “Mass Murderer Natasha Romanoff Walking Free.” The picture of her was one of her shooting a gun during the Battle of New York. From the bottom of the snap video a middle finger slowly rose into frame until it was hovering over the tv screen. 

The next was a picture of Natasha in line at a supermarket checkout. She was holding a tabloid in one hand and had her other hand covering her mouth in a mocking “shocked” gesture. The tabloid cover was the picture of her kissing the spider web tattoo and the headline read “Natasha Romanoff Free At Last.” The subheader said “Mystery woman revealed tomorrow, read our predictions inside.”

Following the tabloid cover picture was a picture of the inside of the tabloid. More specifically, of the “predictions” pages. The pictures shown were of Pepper Potts, Sharon Carter, Maria Hill, Bobbi Morse, and Melinda May. Natasha wrote “One of these is 100% correct.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope I did justice to such a long awaited moment. Next chapter will be the official Maria reveal, which is something I've personally been wanting to write since the beginning.


	19. Reveal

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is it-- the big reveal.

The live stream started a bit before 8 and Natasha was holding the camera and speaking quietly into it. “Hey guys, it’s me. NatAttack, Natasha, whatever.” Her voice was trembling a bit and the camera shook slightly in her hand. 

“I’m literally more scared right now than I have ever been in my entire life. And I’ve been in some pretty terrifying situations.” She took a deep breath and blew it out forcefully. “I’m so fucking nervous. Oh my god what’s wrong with me.”

Natasha ran her hand through her hair and took a breath, looking like she was trying to steel herself for something big. “I told her to come out here exactly at 8, and she’s never late.” She glanced at her watch. “Meaning we have exactly 45 seconds before she opens the door and joins me on the balcony.”

She walked over to a table and set the camera carefully on it, angling it so most of the balcony was in view. Walking away from the lens, she stopped when her entire body was in view and began nervously pacing back and forth. Glancing at her watch again, she stopped moving and fixed her gaze at something off screen. “Ten seconds. Get your shit together Romanoff.”

As Natasha stood still taking deep breaths, the sound of a door being opened and closed was heard. Natasha held up her hand, indicating her desire for whoever had just walked onto the balcony to stop. “Before you step in front of the camera I have a few things I need to say.”

Nodding to herself, Natasha took another deep breath and started speaking. “I’m not worthy of you. I know I’m not.” At the woman’s sound of protest Natasha held up her hand again.

“No, it’s true. I can never give you an easy life. I’m not a wanted woman right now, but based on the path my life has taken thus far I think we both know it’s only a matter of time before I become one again.” She smiled a bit in an attempt at levity before continuing.

“I can’t give you kids, or stability. I can’t be someone normal, someone who doesn’t sometimes wake up screaming or become a hyperventilating mess every time something reminds me of there. I’m broken. I’m violent. I’m everything mothers warn their kids against, and yet, for some crazy reason I will never understand, you stick around anyway.”

“If you had told me when I was eight that I would one day win the unconditional love of a beautiful woman, and that I would actually love her back, I wouldn’t have believed you. Hell, I probably would have killed you.” Natasha winced. “Wrong choice of words, sorry.”

“The point is, the Red Room taught us that love was for children. Not just any children though-- love was for _other_ children. We were soldiers, we were stronger, we were _invincible_. And if we ever forgot, if anyone was ever caught showing genuine kindness or compassion, well… we were reminded. With whips and pokers and red hot needles driven under our fingernails, we were reminded.” A single tear rolled down Natasha’s face and the woman off camera murmured “Natasha” and moved into frame.

Natasha again held up her hand and stopped them so only their back and lower body were visible. “For years I believed those lessons. I never got attached to anyone, I never allowed myself to think love was even a possibility for me. Love was for weak minded creatures, not for Widows.”

“And then… And then I met you.” She smiled. “I met you and all of those lessons, all of those _reminders_ , suddenly seemed less important. They changed from the bright pastels that colored my mental framework to the weak water colors that made up the background. Still present, just… less noticeable, less defining.”

“You knew everything about me. You had access to my entire record, you _knew_ what a monster I was, and yet you stayed by my side.” Natasha reached into her pocket, removed a small box, and dropped to her knee. 

“You are the love of my life. I’m not worthy of you, but god help me if I won’t spend every second of the rest of my life trying to be the woman you deserve.” The woman had gasped when Natasha dropped to her knee, and she started walking forward when Natasha opened the box and revealed a simple ring.

“Maria Hill, will you marry me?”

Maria, now fully in view of the camera, closed the remaining gap between them and yanked Natasha to her feet and into a bruising kiss. She kissed Natasha for several long seconds before leaning back and smiling down at her. 

Natasha smirked and said “So… I take it that’s a yes?”

Maria kissed her again. “Yes. Yes, you stupid fucking woman, of course I’ll marry you.”  
They fell back into each other and kissed slowly for a solid minute, neither one in any hurry to part. Finally they pulled apart and Natasha held up the ring box in silent question. Maria nodded and allowed Natasha to slide the simple band onto her finger.

“What? No diamonds?” Maria jokingly said.

Natasha shook her head. “No, I know you would never forgive me for an offence that egregious.”

Laughing loudly, Maria said “Geez, am I that bad?”

“About your hatred for wearing diamonds, yes. I don’t mind though, it just means you can use more of our budget to buy me a big ass ring.” Natasha winked up at Maria, who smirked in response.

“Hmm, I don’t know. I think I might have to reconsider this marriage thing.”

Scoffing, Natasha snaked her arms around Maria’s waist and pulled her flush against her. “You know I would never let you go.”

“Yeah, I know.”

Just as Natasha went up on her toes to kiss Maria again, the door to the balcony banged open and a woman’s voice loudly said “Alright kids, enough of that mushy nonsense. Now are we getting shitfaced to celebrate or what?”

Natasha rolled her eyes and walked over to the camera, which she flipped to show Sharon Carter standing in her doorway. “Note to self, stop inviting crazy people to dinner parties.”

“Hey, I heard that!” Sharon turned to shout over her shoulder “Guys, she called us crazy!”

As the sound of running feet drew closer to the balcony, Natasha said “Oh shit guys, I’m going to have to go. Avengers and company to entertain, friends to drink booze with, angry SHIELD agents to put in their place, you know how it is.” 

When Bobbi Morse came barrelling out onto the balcony, Natasha ran to stand behind Maria. Bobbi stopped and said “I’m sorry, Commander, but I’m going to have to ask you to step aside.”

Maria crossed her arms in response and said “Oh really? And what do I get in exchange?”

“Hmm. How about first dibs on the two _very_ expensive bottles of scotch I brought with me?”

Maria laughed and moved away from Natasha, who let out an angry “Hey!” Maria smiled in response and said “Sorry babe, you’re on your own. Have fun.” With that she winked and walked toward the balcony door. Sharon greeted her with a hug and grabbed her hand to look at the ring. 

Meanwhile, Bobbi was stalking toward Natasha, who sighed in resignation. “Let’s try not to break the windows this time, yeah? Maria wasn’t too happy about that.”

Bobbi stopped her advance and smirked. “No promises.” With that she pulled two baton-like things out of seemingly nowhere and stood at the ready. 

Natasha sighed deeply and whispered “Sorry Maria.” And then, a little louder, “NatAttack out.”

\---

Snap story the following morning:

The first thing was a video of eggs cooking in a frying pan. A spatula came into frame and flipped one of them over beautifully. 

The next was a picture of a perfectly laid out tray. There were eggs, hashbrowns, toast, and juice for two. At the top of the tray there was even a small bunch of flowers. The caption was, simply, “#WifeMe.”

Then came a video of the tray being set down next to a very sleeping and very naked Maria, who was thankfully covered in a thin sheet. Natasha’s hand reached out and poked Maria on the cheek, causing the other woman to open her eyes and glare into the camera. “Is this going to be a thing now? A camera in my face?” Natasha laughed and replied “Obviously.”

A picture of the two of them, now clothed, leaning against the headboard. Natasha was holding the camera and grinning like an idiot, and Maria was holding a glass of juice and smiling as well. The caption was “You’re jealous, I know.”

Then there was a video of Maria in a tank top and shorts laying down on a bench under one of their home gym racks and benching an impressive amount of weight. Natasha whispered into the camera “payback.” 

Then a video of Natasha jumping rope and facing away from the camera. It looked like she was alternating triple and double unders. Maria was obviously behind the camera because she called out “You know, for a super spy your phone password is remarkably easy to guess.” Natasha stopped jumping and turned around to glare at Maria. “Oh you’re going to regret this.”

The final video was of a freshly showered Natasha sitting and scrolling through Google news. “Look at some of these headlines. ‘Everyone’s Favorite Assassin Finds Love,’ ‘Maria Hill Consorting With a Criminal,’ ‘Everything You Wanted to Know About Maria Hill,’ ‘The Hottest Couple of the Year’...” Natasha turned to wink at the camera and said “We are pretty hot.” Maria just laughed from her position out of frame and moved into frame to kiss Natasha’s cheek. “Yeah, we are.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I literally wrote the framework for the proposal dialogue that’s in this chapter before I even started chapter one. I always pictured the story ending here, but I don’t really know anymore. I’m going to at least do a Q&A with both of them together but beyond that I’m not sure. Send me some Q&A questions for them both. 
> 
> So many more possibilities are open to me now-- like putting Sharon, Pepper, and some others in the story and doing collabs with other YouTubers (maybe even actual YouTubers from our world). But I don’t have a central conflict or something to work towards anymore going forward, which makes everything feel a bit shallower to me. Of course, I could also do a prequel of sorts of around the time Natasha joined SHIELD and met Maria. It would definitely have a conflict/end game, but it would be outside of the YouTube/social media framework that I have going right now. If I do something else (prequel or continuing in this manner with a new conflict/end game) it'll probably be in a series and not in this individual work. Or I suppose I could just cap this at 20 chapters, walk away, and call it a job well done. 
> 
> I really don’t know what I’m going to do, but I know that I would greatly appreciate your input. Also, you know, thanks for sticking with me through this whole story. It’s a blast to write.


	20. Bonus Q&A

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A little something to leave you with on this fic... and a way to make it an even 20 chapters.

“Hey guys! NatAttack here with my lovely fiance.” Natasha and Maria were sitting side by side on a bed with a laptop open in front of them. Maria inclined her head at the camera. 

“And we’re live for the next half hour doing a surprise couples Q&A. So tell your friends and start commenting your questions. Nothing is technically off limits, but we do ask that you try to ask questions about us as a couple and our relationship.”

Maria looked down at the laptop and said “Would you look at that, we already have our first one. Their question is, how do you each define your sexual orientation?” 

Maria and Natasha exchanged an amused look and Maria turned to look at the camera. “I’m gay as fuck. Always have been, and while I don’t believe in absolute certainties, I suspect I always will be.”

Natasha laughed and bumped her shoulder into Maria’s. “Gay as fuck is an excellent way to word it for you. I’m… a bit more nuanced. I’ve had sex with many hundreds of people in my life, and for the longest time sex and attraction were things that only existed in the framework of a job and what intel I could gather.”

“After joining SHIELD I didn’t have to do that anymore, but it was really hard to figure out how to rewire my brain away from that mindset. I’m still a bit messed up from all of that honestly. I’d say I’m predominantly attracted to women,” she turned and winked at Maria, “but there are people of other genders that I think I’ve found hot. So I identify as queer.”

Nodding, Maria said “Well reasoned. The next question is, are you guys monogamous?” 

Maria kept talking. “I’ll take this one. We are committed to only one another and we don’t have sex individually with other people. That being said, we do occasionally invite a friend or two into our bed. We’re all very adult about it and have never had any issues returning to our normal friend dynamic the next day.”

Natasha smirked while looking at the laptop screen. “No, we’re not going to tell you which of our friends we fuck, so you might as well stop asking. I’ll wait for a different line of questioning.” She sat looking at the screen for a solid 20 seconds before saying “Ah, here’s a new one.” 

Turning to the side, Natasha faced Maria and spoke directly to her. “Maria, why did Steve call you mom?”

Groaning and looking up at the ceiling, Maria said “Because the Avengers are all annoying little shits who don’t know what’s good for them.”

Natasha laughed loudly and leaned over to peck Maria on the cheek. “Oh come on babe, you know you like it.”

Looking down at Natasha, Maria simply rose an eyebrow and pressed her lips together in a thin and intimidating line. Natasha started squirming after a few seconds when Maria made no move to say anything or change her expression, and after about thirty seconds into their stare down she finally broke. 

“Fine! You don’t like it and I’m sorry for saying you do.”

“Thank you.” Maria smirked at Natasha and turned back to look at the camera. “But to answer your question in a bit more detail, I ran a lot of the Avengers ops from the SHIELD side of things. I was the voice in their ears with the answers and when they got back I always made sure they got to medical and gave their debriefs.”

Natasha made an unpleasant face at the mention of medical and debriefing, but Maria ignored her and rolled on. “I may have made them a few meals and snacks too. For a group as field capable as them, they really don’t know how to take care of themselves. I guess they saw all of that as motherly. I’m not really sure who had the idea to officially start referring to me as a parental figure though.”

“I remember.”

“Oh?” Maria looked at Natasha curiously, who nodded in response. 

“It was Clint who decided to make it official and name you team mom. I’m pretty sure he said something like-- Since she’s already a daddy she can be our mom too.” Natasha’s eyes were gleaming.

Maria looked a bit confused and said “Explain.”

“Oh you remember. The precedent for referring to you as a parental figure started long before your mom title. We should tell that story.”

Sudden recognition flared in Maria’s eyes and she turned to glare at Natasha with a wild expression. “We are _not_ telling that story, Natasha.”

Natasha turned the laptop toward Maria and started scrolling. “Really? Because it seems like the people want to hear it.”

Dropping her head into her hands, Maria sighed deeply. “I’m never going to hear the end of this am I?” She sat back up and said “Fine! Tell the damn story. At least it’s not sexual.”

“Well…”

“Oh my god Natasha just tell the story.”

Natasha rubbed her hands together and said “This is the story of how Maria came to be known as Daddy throughout SHIELD. Behind her back, of course.”

“I was supposed to be giving a brief on some mission intel for an upcoming op, but the picture I needed from my phone wasn’t sliding to the big screen. I didn’t want Tony to “fix” it and end up making it all worse-- not after the coffee pot incident-- so I just manually connected it to the big screen.”

“A few minutes in and I start receiving texts from Maria. Only thing is, Maria was in my phone under the name Daddy, so the projected image of my phone screen just showed me getting a ton of texts from Daddy.” Maria groaned and dropped her head into her hands again.

“Yes there is a story behind that name choice, and no you will not be hearing it today. But anyway, everyone knew who it really was and may have snickered a bit but on the whole kept focus. Everyone, that is, except for our 1940s golden boy.”

“Steve just looks at me with this adorable innocent expression and says that he thinks my father is trying to contact me. Then he gets all confused because he thought I didn’t have a dad. It was adorable and perfect.”

“Then Clint ruined it by saying ‘That’s not her dad dude,’ and explaining the intricacies of the Daddy title to Steve. I don’t know who, but someone in that room took a few pictures and pretty soon the entire Helicarrier knew Maria was my Daddy and it became this giant thing.”

Maria picked her head up and winced. “Yeah, and then you were even more of a little shit and actually called me that in _public_. In the cafeteria, Natasha.”

Natasha laughed. “What is it with us and cafeterias?” She then turned back to the camera and continued. “She’s right, I did call her that in public. It’s really not my fault though. I mean, her phone made its “end of the world” sound and she answered it all hot and Commander-y. Then she hung up and ordered me to report to Hangar A for a rendevouz with Clint.”

“And let me tell you, when Maria goes all Commander Hill on me and orders me to do something… Hot damn. So I did what I would naturally do in a situation like that and replied ‘Yes, Daddy’ before running to Hangar A.”

Maria sighed. “And leaving me to deal with the hundred junior agents within earshot who were gawking at me like stupid fish.”

Natasha looked at the laptop and said “They want to know how you dealt with them.”

“Oh I just glared at them and told them to mind their own fucking business.”

Snorting, Natasha playfully said “Very professional.”

Maria arched an eyebrow and looked intensely down at Natasha. “About as professional as calling the Deputy Director Daddy in front of a hundred junior agents.”

Grinning, Natasha said “Touche” before saying “Alright guys, send some more questions our way.”

“When/how did you tell the Avengers about your relationship?” Natasha laughed and said “Well when the Avengers formed we were already a known item within SHIELD, but it did take a while for the non-SHIELD Avengers to catch on. For the big reveal, as I recall, there wasn’t a whole lot of talking.”

Maria smiled softly and nodded. “Definitely no talking. Lots of kissing though.”

“And whose fault was that?” Natasha arched her own eyebrow and Maria rolled her eyes. 

“Mine, but I refuse to apologize. You were on a super fucked op with the Avengers and I lost comms for far too long. I don’t know how you expected me to do anything other than kiss the ever living shit out of you the second you got off the Quinjet.”

Natasha pulled Maria into a side hug and gave her a quick kiss. “I wouldn’t have had it any other way. I think we gave Steve a heart attack though.”

Maria laughed. “For all public displays we’ve had though, that was by far the best one for him to have witnessed.”

Looking at the laptop screen, Natasha grinned widely and said “This question is-- What do you mean the best one for him to have witnessed? Do you guys fuck in public or something?”

Both of them laughed and Maria said “It may have happened once or twice” and Natasha said “Oh yeah. Literally all the time.” Maria rolled her eyes at Natasha’s answer. 

“My favorite was when I was going down on her in her office at SHIELD, with the door unlocked because I thoroughly enjoy the risk, when this mid-level agent walks in dragging an entry level pup by the collar. We turned so I was under her desk and Maria was scooted in far enough that they couldn’t see me so it was fine though.”

Maria raised both eyebrows at that. “Fine if you don’t count the fact that this brat continued to eat me out the entire time I was trying to focus on this bullshit disciplinary issue. I mean, ten minutes in and she would. not. stop. I ended up just kicking them out and telling them it could be handled two levels below me, which it could have, but that definitely was not my motivation for getting them out.”

Natasha laughed and said “Yeah. You had to get them out so you could get off.”

“Oh my god Natasha. Just read the next question before I decide you’re more trouble than you’re worth.”

“Fine, but you know you love me. The next question is-- Wedding plans?” Natasha looked at the camera and said “Whatever Maria wants. I have no say in this.”

“You’re being dramatic, of course you have a say. As long as it goes along with what I want.” Winking at Natasha, Maria continued. “The wedding time and location will be kept secret. The guest list will be all of our friends, obviously. No paparazzi because fuck them, but we will be live streaming it. I think that covers it.”

Natasha looked at the laptop and said “They want to know whether it will be a dry wedding.”

Maria looked appalled at such a thing even being suggested. “How is that even a fucking question? Of course it won’t be a dry wedding. Dry weddings shouldn’t be allowed to exist.”

Snorting, Natasha said “Damn babe, tell them how you really feel.” Maria rolled her eyes and grabbed the laptop. “Let’s see… Oh here’s a good one. In general, who’s the dominant one in your relationship? Natasha, would you like to answer that?”

“She is.” Natasha said bluntly. “There is zero question about that. She is the Commander, and if she tells you to do something you do it. Be it answering a question on a YouTube Q&A,” she gestured around the room, “or secretly masturbating yourself to an orgasm during a press conference. Of course, that doesn’t mean I don’t enjoy being a brat sometimes.”

Maria cleared her throat and Natasha corrected herself. “Most times.”

“Alright, next question! What was your favorite date?” Pausing to think, Natasha asked “Date as in going to a destination in a romantic way outside of our home?”

“I’d say that’s the generally accepted definition, yes. Do you want to say ours at the same time? I have a feeling they’ll be the same.”

Natasha nodded and said “After one. Three, two, one…” 

And then, at the same time, Natasha and Maria both said “Disneyland” and grinned at each other.

Maria decided to offer the explanation. “Natasha had never been to Disneyland so I decided to rectify that. Last year we we went all out. We stayed in the resort, got the fast passes, took pictures with the characters, everything.”

Natasha jumped in and said “Maria punched Mickey…”

“Oh come that guy totally deserved it. He was being super gropey and creepy to that woman. You know you would’ve done the same if I hadn’t.”

“No, I would’ve done a lot worse. Which is why it’s a good thing I have you.” Natasha winked at Maria, who smiled back. 

“True. Now that SHIELD isn’t around to forbid you from going places on your own…”

“ _You_ totally put that rule in place! I only hospitalized like ten people, and none of them even died. Americans are just weak and gross.” 

Maria raised her eyebrow and Natasha quickly backpedalled and said “Not you though!” Maria held her expression for a few more seconds before dropping it and laughing. “Well, you’re not wrong. I like Canada better anyway.”

Natasha glanced at her watch and started. “We’re totally out of time guys, sorry about that! I hope you enjoyed learning a bit about us, and I look forward to sharing more with you in the future. Maria, would you like to sign us out?”

Laughing, Maria said “Not particularly.”

Natasha snorted. “Well alrighty then. NatAttack out.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shout out to SophieRomanoff97 for the “Daddy” idea. I hope you don’t mind that I utilized it for one of these questions. 
> 
> I’m probably going to do both a prequel work and a continuation work and string them together in a series. I need to let my brain chill from this idea for a bit though so I’ll be posting a few one-shots in my one-shot series (check it out and give me ideas) and working on my HP fic before returning to this. 
> 
> This concludes Fugitive Turned YouTuber.


End file.
